Dear Papa: My husband and I have been married for almost two years, and I am pregnant with our first child. We decided I would name our baby if it was a girl, and he would name the baby if it was a boy. Turns out, it’s a boy! I’m thrilled. But my husband just informed me that he wants to name our child Gene. Gene! When I joked about his choice, he got upset. How do I get him to reconsider? —Not Genial in Northern Liberties
Dear Not Genial: The laughter of a woman has a way of piercing a man through his heart and piercing a man through what makes him a man. A man has a name and it’s the name his father gave him. You will have the boy to yourself before he is old enough to fish. You can call his father whatever you’d like then, but damn it, for Christ’s sake — don’t cut a man down if you expect him to ever teach your boy to be a man. You should never make a promise you’re not ready to keep.
Dear Papa: My new Blu-Ray player has an HDMI output, but my TV only has S-cable, component and composite video inputs! Is there any hope for me? —Luddite in Bala Cynwyd
Dear Luddite: No one should mix their own daiquiris or set up their own A.V. equipment.
Dear Papa: I just found out that my girlfriend cheated on me with my cousin, with whom I used to be really close. My girlfriend apologized and my cousin said it didn’t mean anything, but I’m really hurt. I still love both of them, and I want them both in my life, but I don’t know if I can forgive them. How can our relationship get past this? —Betrayed in South Philly
Dear Betrayed: There are two deer. One is a buck. The buck’s antler is broken. Antlers break when two bucks battle over a doe. A broken buck is weaker and is easier to shoot. Do not be the broken buck. Shoot the broken buck.
Writer Alli Katz communicates with the late Mr. Heming-way via Ouija board. Email her your questions for him and you may find yours answered in this monthly column.