Dear Papa: I have finally unfriendzoned this lady that I have been chasing for many years. Everything seems to be going great. We talk about everything: zombies, philosophy, what we want to do with the rest of our lives. And the sex is awesome. We can’t keep our hands off each other! But any time I try to bring up having something a little more permanent, she completely shuts down and says she doesn’t want me to be her boyfriend! Help! —Stuck in the Friends-with-Benefits Zoner
Dear Zoner: Walk to the cafe. Have them pour you an espresso. Then have them pour you a drink. And another. This is no Ashton Kutcher film. She will either break you into nothing and you will be stronger or she will break you and you will not survive it. Either way, she will only see you broken, and you are a fool if you think otherwise.
Dear Papa: Our cat James won’t stop pulling out his hair. We’ve taken him to the vet, bought special lotions, even switched him to a fancy poached-chicken diet! We’re beginning to suspect he’s just doing it to mess with us! —Pussy Wuvers in Wichmond
Dear Pussies: Oh, the poor little love sponge! Have you just grabbed the guy under the arms and pet him slowly, the sweet thing? Let me tell you what I do when one of my special guys is having a problem. I just put him right on my lap and I find that spot right under the jaw and scratch. Sometimes I use my thumb to get right behind the ear, the purr machines love it. Cats are good friends, but they are sensitive and they need to know they are loved.