Dear Papa: I’m planning a big adventure, and will be out of the house (and out of the country) for at least two months. While my friendly roommate has agreed to care for my cat, I fear that she will become lonely, sad, sick or angry. What can I do to assure that she doesn’t hate me when I come home?
—No More Sad Cats
Dear Sad: Your pronouns are unclear, but that does not change what I will say. Your roommate will be able to live without you. Your cat will also be able to live without you. Cats and women are the same: When you are in the room, they will not shut up, rubbing their faces all over your ankles. When you are gone they will leap into the lap of the next man that passes their way. Go about your adventure. It is more exciting than sitting home with a pussy.
Dear Papa: I am meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the first time this Thanksgiving. They’re cooking a feast, but I don’t want to arrive empty-handed. What should I bring?
Dear Nancy: Bring whiskey. Or rum. Or mouthwash, if you can’t find anything better.
Dear Papa: Am I cursed from a past life? Was my life planned out before I was born?
—Mystic Schuylkill River
Dear Mystic: As far as I know, there are no past lives. No second chances. No script for your life. There is one thing that is certain. You will die. Happy holidays.
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