Mayor Michael Nutter has announced a proposed agreement to privatize Philadelphia Gas Works. The...
Published: 08/22/2013 | 0 Comments Posted
[-3] Phillies manager Charlie Manuel is fired. “Grumble mumble grumble grumble,” says Manuel, moving the press room to confused tears.
[-1] Manuel was fired the day he was to be honored for his 1000th win. “I just wish we’d have won more games in the early part of this season,” says Ruben Amaro. “I coulda fired Cholly back in June.”
[+1] Apple hires a Philly architect to help design its new corporate campus in California. “I’m, like, really good at drawing cubes,” he says. “After that, it’s just a matter of rounding all the pointy parts and figuring out where to put the proprietary outlets.”
 Philly.com says it hopes its new commenting system will lead to more civilized discussions on the site. “god luck with that not liekly to hapen in OBAMAS america,” says esteemed commenter WTC7fukushima.
 Phillies minor-league affiliate the Lehigh Valley IronPigs gives away a free funeral to one lucky fan. “I’m just really hoping a little kid doesn’t win,” says the nervous marketing intern who came up with the promotion. “Or a really depressed-looking person. Or, damn, I mean, what if, like, Zooey Deschanel wins for some reason, and we all just have to sit there in a dumb old baseball stadium and think about cute little Zooey Deschanel being dead one day.”
[-1] At press time, a 7-foot pet boa constrictor named Snakie is still on the loose in Delaware County. “FYI, that dude who says he’s me on Twitter is a fake,” says Snakie. “I only post on Philly.com. PS: We need to take this country back. You know what I mean.”
[+1] A Roxborough couple says a series of antennae near their house causes them to hear the radio played through their pipes, fences and other objects on their property. “We’re not really complaining,” say the couple, in unison. “In fact, we’re quite grateful because otherwise we would not have known how to summon the dark lord. Yes, our bathroom sink has told us all about the dark lord. Oh yes, this will really be something.”
This week’s total: -3 | Last week’s total: -12
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