April 23–30, 1998

i

Jim In Bold

A young poet's legacy.

Jim Wheeler, a talented gay artist from Lebanon, PA, committed suicide in November at the age of 18. The poem reprinted below reflects some of the pain and confusion he suffered as an openly gay teen in a small town; it was written after "some of the kids in gym class had pulled him out of the shower and peed on him," says his mother, Susan Wheeler.

The pain of feeling "different" never left him—even after he came out to his family (who were supportive), even after he spent time in the more tolerant atmosphere of Philadelphia. "Looking back, Jim was going through a period of intense self-loathing," says his mother. "He wanted to be like everyone else and knew he couldn't be."

Despite advances for gays and lesbians, being "different" is still very tough for teenagers. That's why Pridefest '98 is kicking off this year's symposia and celebrations with a tribute to Wheeler, and a panel discussion on teenage homophobia (Wednesday, April 29, 7 p.m., at the William Way Center, 1315 Spruce St.). Wheeler's paintings and poems will be displayed, and panelists will include a fundamentalist Christian mom whose gay son tried to commit suicide, an openly gay Swarthmore College student, and Philadelphia artist Fluffy Palmer, Wheeler's friend and mentor.

-David Warner

 

in the age of the COMPUTER where the internet

CONNECTS us all and we all struggle in the

World wide web to become Unstuck from the futuristic fact that if your Modem isnt on then

you better not expect a fax from your faceLESS

CONtinent and doesnt even Closely resemble the

description that they gave iresemble my face and i

found an outlined face amid all the stereotypes

sexual slurs catcalls and whispered Secrets iam i am

i am Jim i am boy I am tall i am fairhaired i am a

poet a painter and if i dare to call mySELF aa artist

I will i am sensitive i am ANGRY i am in love i am

In hiding I am OUT of the dark celluloid closet Yes

i am a HOMOsexual i am gay i am a queer a sissie

a faerie a Fag a punk i am a QUEENie i am a girl AT heart

a freak a follower a LEADER a PERFECTionist a slob

an optimist and a Pessimist a quaker and a nazis

i dont try to hard in school butt im good in english

and ifall aSLEEP in math class i want to run real

fast but no ONE will take a chance and pick me for

their team i want to sing real loud in a Rock and roll

band but i knat get the words out i want to be noticed

however i want to isolate MYSELF cause isolation brings

genius make me famous cause i sure want to be but its also

cool to be anonymous and top secret iwant to be popular i

want lots of friends but i know id get really annoyed with the

phone ringing all the time and NON stop would really KILL my

nerves im way too sensitive and i cry when i Watch the simpsons

Im awfully mean a lot Of the Time because people really Piss

me OFF and i love my family like they were my best

friends but my house is so stressful with seven kids and

two dogs way over the national average i want to leave

Home but im scared to be alone i want to tell a certain

person that I dont want to be aLONE and that i love Him

but the long forgotten art of SPEECH just wont work iwant

a job that pays the bills i want lots of money but id

rather paint the world with vibrant colors and hues

i want to travel and see things that i only see when

im tossing and TURNing in my bed trying to fall asleep

knowing my alarm is Going to RING any second and I BETter

wake Up soon if im going to learn to drive to run to sing

to think to paint to grow to be but my car of ambition

is withOUT a Key so I just SIT and wait in my quiet

room in my noisy House in my sleepy town in the keySTONE

state in the superPOWER country in the polluted world

etc etc etc etc THINKing contemplating wishing dreaming

SCREAMing HISSING living loving HUGging kisSING Yelling

CRYING dying listening HEARing Touching smelling tasting

Seeing believing missing MYSELF until i receive a divine

message mayBE from somewhere way up above and if i believe

in the christian god then id say that god spoke to me telling me its better to be Hated for WHAT you

are then loved for what Youre NOT thank

you mohammed for publishing my profile

for printing me printing jim Jim in

BOLD Me in Bold IM IN BOLD

 

to see the typewritten version, click here