July 19–26, 2001

naked city

Girls on Film

Four days with exotic dancers, Corey Feldman and a tube of KY.

by Geeta Dalal

Last week some hot women joined Corey Feldman, Dee Dee Ramone and others to film Bikini Bandits Go to Hell, a full-length version of Gyro Worldwide ad honcho Steven Grasse’s short web films, due for release in November. Bikini Bandit/Satan Girl/Ninja Bitch Geeta Dalal offers CP readers an inside look at the filming.

Monday

When I show up for call time at the ungodly hour of 5:30 a.m., I’m pretty sure that I’m still drunk from the night before. No one seems to notice, and I’m soon herded into a van with about 12 hot girls on my way to stardom. First stop: Camden County airport in Berlin, NJ. We’re not being shuttled off in private jets to the next location. This is the location. I run around in a bikini all day, feeling a bit moronic. We’re filming a couple outdoor scenes and posing next to hot rods. I score the black ’64 Pontiac GTO. Armed with a fake 40, a fake machine gun and a real cigarette, I look like Joan Jett crossed with a Charlie’s Angel. The other girls don’t have to rely on badass. They have nice ass. They look gorgeous and young, most of them exotic dancers. It’s hard not to stare (as evidenced by every male in the vicinity), and that admiration begins my pathetic decline into insecurity, which I quickly abandon. This is not a soul-searching foray, and this is not a quest for true beauty. This is Bikini Bandits: a racially diverse Russ Myers-meets-Pulp Fiction/Saturday Night Live skit, and I’m glad to be in on the joke.

The first star to show up is Corey Feldman. We eagerly watch a limo pull up — and then Feldman step out of the van beside it with his personal assistant, Majestic Magnificent. Though far from the days of Teen Beat, Goonies and Michael Jackson, Feldman looks much the same. A Poison Ivy-like dominatrix, Joey, immediately goes up and starts picking on him. After shooting a picnic scene, a drag racing scene and various gratuitous Corey scenes, we’re done. Corey needs "some girls" to go to Delilah’s with him and I find out that I’ve been volunteered. I make Joey come with me. I sit there eating fried cheese watching half-naked chicks with Corey, Joey and Majestic Magnificent, who keeps asking me if I’m an exotic dancer and won’t accept "no" as an answer. Joey and I are bored and go to tip one of the girls from the movie. Majestic follows along and looms over my shoulder. When I ask him what he wants, he whips out a picture of a naked man with a huge erection. "See? That’s me! You can tell by the birthmark on my arm!" I didn’t stick around for the debate.

	Punk rock pope? Dalal (left) with Dee Dee Ramone as the Holy Father. photo: Adam Wallacavage

Tuesday

Call time’s at a much more reasonable 7:30 a.m. The shoot’s at Telenium sound stage in Primos, PA. Today the Bikini Bandits are in hell, and I’m a Satan Girl. Satan is Maynard from Tool, painted red from head to toe and wearing only devil horns and a codpiece the size of a premature baby. Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf from Howard Stern plays his satanic mini-me. The best part is that Satan’s nemesis, the Pope, is played by Dee Dee Ramone, and I have to admit I’m starstruck. The cast is divided — half of us know we’re in the presence of a legend, and the other half have no idea who "that old guy" is. I feel my age, but I wear it proudly. Every time I get my makeup, I listen to Dee Dee tell punk-rock war stories. I definitely feel a little glammy at this point.

Wednesday

Today rocked. We shot a Ninja scene at the Trocadero, and the stars of the day were Jello Biafra and Gary the Retard from Howard Stern. We’re filming a scene where Jello plays a corrupt porn director who has kidnapped a bunch of girls and one of the main characters, Massively Retarded Amish Boy, and is about to force them into porn. There’s no use in questioning ethics at this point, but I will give props to director and head of Gyro Worldwide, Steven Grasse: When he means to be campily offensive, he does not mess around. And I suppose that Gary’s presence reminded us that everyone, from half-naked girls to rock stars to the mentally impaired, has the right to self-exploitation. (For the record, Gary was treated very well and had a lot of fun.) Corey Feldman and the Ninja Bitches (I’m the one with the cat-o’-nine-tails) come in and kick everyone’s ass. The scene ends with a shot of Jello, looking like he stepped out of the "Sabotage" video, with a tube of K-Y sticking out of his butt. Mind you, this was his own idea. No one wanted to help him…prepare…for the scene.

Thursday

Today is the last day of stardom for me. Corey ended the shoot with a performance of his Michael Jackson dance, which he prefaced by stating, "This is one of life’s most humiliating moments" and then proceeded to rock every move but the Moonwalk. I saw him on my way to the van that would take me back to day-job land. He looked vulnerable. Then I saw Majestic Magnificent. He just looked like an ass. At this point I’m gonna miss moviedom, especially after getting paid to beat the shit out of a car with a sledgehammer. I saw many an ex-boyfriend in the fender of that Corolla, let me tell you. I’m glad to have been an extra in Bikini Bandits Go to Hell. It made me reconcile my "don’t fuck with me" attitude with a very "fuck-me" image. And now that’s just another weapon in my arsenal. I used to be the kind of person who would be offended by all of this until I realized that we live in a world where gender differences and sexism exist. If you refuse to use your natural weapons, you’re like a hockey player in the middle of the game without a stick. Or in my case, a bikini, an AK-47 and a pen.