October 26–November 2, 2000

cover story|cp choice 2000

CP Choice: City

Where’d you get that? What did you pay? How’s life in the big city?

Best place to go clothes shopping if you’re a go-go dancer

photo: Maria Kotsikoros

The pleasantly trashy Erogenous Zone has all the mouth-watering gear you need, from light-up bikinis to light-up shoes, plus a massive display of dildos ($10-$100). The assortment of thigh-high stockings will have any beer-drinking customer drooling. Need S&M apparel? The experienced staff can show you their array of spiked collars, leashes, whips, nipple clamps and more. Into the role-playing thing? Hit up E-Zone if you wanna dress up like a nurse, police officer, pirate, hula dancer or, well, use your imagination. But most importantly, if you go-go dance for a living, you get a discount. —Sean O’Neal

525 South St., 215-592-7302.

Best reason to buy a used book

Just a stone’s throw from Eastern State Penitentiary, you can free your mind for a price that will free your wallet at Bookhaven, where customers perusing the well-arranged shelves will find everything from a 1904 edition of Robinson Crusoe to Sex and the City, not to mention psychology books, histories, recent travel guides and anything else you might want to read. Polyglots should check out selections in French, Italian, Spanish, Latin and "on a good day," says co-owner Ricci Andeer, who opened the store with husband Rolf almost 13 years ago, ancient Greek. Worried about the books already gathering dust at home? Bring them along and ask about their trade-in value. Or just come in to browse without an Internet browser: no ads or virtual shopping carts here, just your curiosity and five rooms of the real thing. —Laura Spagnoli

2202 Fairmount Ave, 215-235-3226.

Wittiest home furnishings store

Maybe it’s the name, Flotsam + Jetsam. Or the "giant feather fun ball" in shocking pink maribou (which may deserve a separate award as Must-Have Interior Décor For Drag Queens). Maybe it’s the savvy juxtaposition of old and new, like the delicate old garden chairs dressed up with bright striped cushions, or the well-chosen pieces by local artists (Warren Muller, Isaiah Zagar). Whatever the reason, you know from the moment you step into this new Old City shop that the people who run the place have a sense of humor. More than that, co-owners Meltem Birey and RJ Thornburg have terrific taste — which is why, after being open only four months, they’re already winning awards. —David Warner

149 N. 3rd St., 215-351-9914.

Best place for drag queens to find the right outfit

Listen, Miss Thing: If the hosts of the AIDS Fund’s Gay Bingo buy their fabulously antiquated kooky-ladies clothes at Immortal Uncommon Resale, why can’t you? Caren Kreider, herself a delicate lady of refined taste and lip-lined elegance, runs Immortal with apt thematics. The best, most stylish clothing — from ’50s Chanel and ’60s Rudi Gernreich to ’70s Pucci and early ’80s Halston — is as ageless as she is. —a.d. amorosi

125 S. 18th St., 215-563-2344

Best place for a guy to experience shoe-shopping like a girl

I’m the kind of guy who tends to have more shoes than his girlfriend. But the fact that boys have, like, one-hundredth of the shoe-buying options that girls do has always made me kinda jealous. Until I walked into Nexus Shoes, anyway. The new South Street store gives both genders equal floor space, and when I was finished giving the selection of Italian-made men’s shoes a cursory look, a salesperson helped me pick my chin off the floor. My knees were kinda weak and I felt like making several impulse purchases, which, unfortunately, would have tied up my entire paycheck. —Brian Howard

441 South St., 215-351-5148

Most death-defying day trip

The sign at the foot of amazing Glen Onoko Falls (just 90 minutes from Philly in Jim Thorpe, PA) warns that hikers have been "seriously injured and killed" while scaling the sheer mountain trail that borders the falls. But the magnificent views of surging water and pristine woods make it well worth the risk. With drops as high as 75 feet, Onoko Falls rivaled Niagara as a tourist destination at the turn of the century. Lots of secluded spots along the path make it easy to have a romantic picnic or dip your feet in the stream. —Gwen Shaffer

Exit 34, NE Extension PA Turnpike. Follow U.S. Route 209 South to Jim Thorpe. Take Route 903 North across the river to Coalport Road. Turn off Coalport to Glen Onoko.

Best selection of miles and miles and miles of cheap silver rings

	photo: Maria Kotsikoros

Walking into Ethnics Imports (Jewelry) is overwhelming — case after case of silver rings in all shapes and sizes with all colors of stones, stacked on top of each other all around the room. Not to mention the bowlfuls of silver bands and toe rings in the counter by the register. The best part about Ethnics, besides the fact that you can actually afford these rings (a whole lot in the $10 range, but be careful, they add up!), is that the people working in there (like Tina Tommassello, left) don’t look annoyed when you ask to try on every single ring in the store. —Debra Auspitz

307 South St., 215-627-9625.

Best high-speed bike ride

You need to get downtown from West Philly on your sturdy two wheels. It’s late at night, so late that the brick-laid Locust Walk is cleared of the cell phone-wielding Pennies who swarm it during the day. So you pedal eastward from 40th Street, past the high-rises, and, pumping hard, gain the summit of the steep footbridge that crosses 38th. You roll up to the apex, savoring the lights of 38th spread out on either side of you, and your bike seems frozen for a second, like the moment’s hesitation at the top of a roller coaster’s first hill. Then you’re coasting 45 degrees downhill, breaking sound barriers, straightening all your limbs, letting the force carry you at top speeds down the slope that stretches to 34th. After all that adrenaline, nowhere you’ve got to go in Center City seems too far anymore. —Sara Marcus

Best gossip with a haircut

He’s funny, he’s opinionated and he’s just three degrees of separation from everyone you know. Oh, and Francis Saba also gives a helluva haircut in his one-man shop, Francis Salon. —Noel Weyrich

2045 Chestnut St., 215-564-1860.

Best place to have your spine manipulated gently down the stream

When I went to see Terrie Lewine at Back To Life Chiropractic, I was hobbled. Every muscle from my lower back to my right calf was in spasm. I could barely ride in a car without pain, let alone walk any distance. My "healthcare provider" gave me some horse tranquilizers and sent me on my way. But not Terrie, who ain’t one of them crack ’em and rack ’em chiropractors. She’s been playing my spine like a piano and has me running around like a rugrat again. And her uber-soothing office music makes every visit a refreshing nap, too. —Brian Howard

301 N. 3rd St., 215-928-8898.

Best cyberdiner for gen-x pundits

Are you a dummy? Alone and disoriented in Philly? Don’t know Mayor Street from South Street? Meet the savvy residents of dummytown, a chatty e-groups mailing list of newswriters, artists and generally well-informed netizens who share their take on everything from current political affairs to upcoming indie rock shows. If you don’t know the city, they’ll take you on THE tour, by the seat of your pants. —Helen Thompson

Subscription and contact information is at www.egroups.com/group/dummytown

Best place to get cool gag gifts

An interactive art gallery posing as a gift shop, G-Mart bashes pop culture with "products" that run the gamut from lunchboxes to underwear. Skip Spencer’s and hit up G-Mart for some flesh-eating soap or a can of 100% fat. Send it to a loved one. —Sean O’Neal

38 N. 3rd St., 215-923-6980.

Spelling gimmick we need to see less of

Phatheads must have designed the un-clever moniker "Phashion Phest" for the annual cocktail party and fashion show celebrating Philadelphia retailers. Although promoted as a phancy event, replacing ‘f’s with ‘ph’s isn’t phabulous, it’s phoolish — not to mention unprophessional. Phew! —Harriette Behringer

Best super-chic boutique not reserved for the super-skinny

The cute boutiques dotting Old City and the South Street area have a tendency to make one feel like Alice in the White Rabbit’s house — growing steadily larger in the dressing room while the tiny outfits get smaller and smaller, laughingly daring the despairing shopper to try and put them on. Charles Porter, while still very trendy and still carrying those "who-could-possibly-fit-into-that" selections, also has chic for those of us who could potentially bear children some day, with (somewhat) real-women-conscious designers like Lauren Moffatt. You might not be able to afford them, but you can try them on without feeling suicidal. —Debra Auspitz

212 Market St., 215-627-3390.

Most drool-worthy new window in town

Maybe it’s the big name, maybe it’s the newness of it all, or maybe it’s the fact that only a few months ago Michael J. Fox was partying there. Whatever it is, Kenneth Cole’s window makes me stop walking, press my face up to the glass and mumble "Mmmmm… boots" incoherently for a few moments before continuing my day. —Debra Auspitz

1422-24 Walnut St., 215-790-1690.

Most startling Halloween window

South Philly takes its holiday window-dressing seriously, Halloween included. The Bella Vista shop of clothing designer Ercoli meets the neighborhood challenge nicely with a window that’s equal parts Esther Williams and Tim Burton. The silver mannequin in mid-swan-dive position is sleek and lovely, except for one thing — her grotesque, grimacing mask. Placed against a backdrop of black "Morte" scarves (in a print inspired by the Tarot death card), the tableau is chic and funny and kind of horrible, all at once. —David Warner

714 Bainbridge St., 215-627-2424

Best face forward

The cosmetic makeovers at brand-new beauty house Francis Jerome turn weary and weathered faces into worthy candidates for a Mr. DeMille-quality close-up. —Noel Weyrich

124 S. 19th St., 215-988-0440.

Most Fellini-esque breakfast moment

Every other morning of the week things seem normal enough, but stop by South St. Philly Bagels just before 10 on a Thursday and you’ll find the store, and the street outside, clogged with white-coated students from the beauty school around the corner. Hair and makeup oh-so-severe, their quasi-lab coats billowing in the morning air, they’re like something out of a Del. Ave. production of La Dolce Vita —Sam Adams

613 S. 3rd St., 215-627-6277

Best reason to throw up

She sits in the chair next to me at the Adolph Biecker Salon in the Rittenhouse Hotel. She’s having a full pedicure (at $33 plus tip): soak, massage and scarlet polish. She is 3 years old. —Harriette Behringer

Best school playground

With a well-maintained wooden castle as its centerpiece, the Jenks School playground on Germantown Avenue lets the little tykes run around and burn off energy in a safe environment where parents can afford to relax a bit. The fortress is expansive enough for adventurous adults to give their kids a good chase, but the tight twists and turns assure that the grownups will never catch up. —Howard Altman

8301 Germantown Ave., 215-248-6604

Best place to take a dive

The weird and wonderful polished wooden slide (circa 1908), housed in its own shed on the grounds of Smith Memorial Playground in East Fairmount Park. It’s a thumbs-up ride for kids of all ages. —Noel Weyrich

Smith Day Nursery Drive, 215-765-4325.

Best kids’ swimming instructor

Young Brian Kelly can transform even the most fearful small fry into a self-assured little porpoise at the Central YMCA, where he’s the aquatics director. —Noel Weyrich

1425 Arch St., 215-557-0082.

Best place to buy kids’ books

Chris’ Corner at 19th & Pine is a haven for young readers and for the parents and grandparents who need good advice on what books to buy them. The staff, led by owner Chris Saad, is very knowledgeable about the inventory, clearly excited about good children’s authors and able to communicate that excitement to their customers, no matter what the age. They’ll order anything they don’t have and send you a post card when it arrives. And it’s a great place for a birthday party. —David Warner

1940 Pine St., 215-790-1727

Worst place for short stocky boys to even think that maybe they’ll find a pair of pants that’ll fit them

If you’re looking for pants and you wear, say, a 34 waist/30 leg, stay the hell away from Urban Outfitters. Talk all you want about how fashion skews the female body image. To even think about walking out of Urban with a pair of men’s pants you’d better be one tall thin drink of water. You’ll be tempted and tantalized; you’ll even try on a pair or two. But you’ll end up walking around the dressing room with like eight inches of fabric underfoot, and trust me, all the hemming in the world won’t snug up a crotch that hangs down to your knees. —Brian Howard

1627 Walnut St., 215-569-3131.

Best place to buy jeans for smuggling watermelons

I’m like totally too old to shop here, but I can’t stay away from Agent Aloha. It’s rave gear central and half the clothes are ridiculously, comically too big. I was eyeing up a pair of shorts over the summer and when I tried them on they went down to my ankles. Their jeans seem perfectly suited for sneaking illegal aliens across the border — one in each leg. There’s actually a section in the back of the store that has stylish, well-fitted clothes: they’re as cool as the stuff in the front of the store is ridiculous. —Brian Howard

506 South St., 215-238-5880.

Best new place for old (and new) things

At Blendo, attractive thrift and antique finds are carefully laid out alongside new crafts, all under the exacting eye of owner Mary Ann Cardellino. Among the reasonably priced vintage items on a recent visit: an elementary school desk and chair in mint condition, psychedelic clothing, silverware and 100-year-old, beautifully bound photo albums full of anonymous family photos. Among the new: hooked, flower-shaped, machine-washable rugs by Homefires and bath products by EO. New items made with vintage fabric include flowery but cool soft-fabric handbags with solid-color straps, and pillows made of chenille bedspreads by Coco Chenille. Best Christmas-stocking stuffer (for females at least): a toss-up between decorative tissues in carry packs by Paper Products Design and scented, Spanish lip balm in oh-so-pretty tins. —Jenn Carbin

1002 Pine St., 215-351-9260.

Biggest loss to flag buffs everywhere

Okay, it was a rundown abandoned building. But those flags! They were a beacon on South Street, a reminder that this area was once full of unique merchants and spaces. As the Gap, McDonald’s and countless hordes of commercialized chains rolled through South Street, the Mattress King’s flags stood stoically in their place (they would have rippled proudly in the wind, but they were painted on). The King’s throne has now been ceded to KFC and Taco Bell — a boon, perhaps, to all us lazy hungry people, but we’ll sigh when we walk down the street and don’t get to glance over at the Flags of the World. —Debra Auspitz

Best random free magic show

On warm and sunny days, a tall and slender fella will set up a podium and perform a magic show in the alley right next to Auntie Anne’s on South Street. The tourists crowd around as he deceives them with the ever-so-popular little-white-rabbit tricks, the mysterious rings and the mind-boggling handkerchief that can make things disappear. His best trick, though, might be his amazing invisible identity; I’ve seen this guy do his thing a hundred times, but I can’t seem to find anyone who knows his name. —Sean O’Neal

Best place to track down a picture of anything

photo: Michael LeGrand

Looking for a picture of, say, an antique butterdish or a Portuguese man-of-war? No need to pursue a vigorous search all on your own. Just hit the Print and Picture File Room, tucked away on the second floor of the Free Library of Philadelphia. Write down whatever it is you’re looking for and one of the three friendly staffers will fetch manila envelopes overflowing with magazine clippings, original photographs, pamphlets and other copyright-free pictures of whatever you’re looking for. —Sean O’Neal

Free Library of Philadelphia, Logan Square, 215-686-5405.

Most fortuitous bad luck

Simon Property Group has had difficulties in realizing former Mayor Ed Rendell’s dream of constructing a King of Prussia-like shopping plaza full of allegedly trendy, overpriced retail outlets on Penn’s Landing. But that could be a good thing; maybe we won’t get stuck with a mall on the water after all. —Frank Lewis

Best source for highly publicized fibs

Philly’s police department has had a rather conflicted relationship with the truth this summer. Police claimed carjacking suspect and beating victim Thomas Jones had shot a cop in the hand; it turned out the shot came from another officer. There’s also the disturbing case, publicized in a recent Daily News article, in which Yusuf Warrick, a brown-eyed young man, did jail time for a robbery committed by someone with blue eyes. The officer involved was cleared by his colleagues of any wrongdoing. As for RNC protesters, in July a police spokeswoman stated flat out that the police were not the ones standing on a loading dock roof taking photographs of people going to protest-planning meetings — then had to retract her denial when the Inky’s Tom Ginsberg traced the photographers’ license plate to the police. Commissioner John Timoney also denied that the police had infiltrated any protest groups. But state police officers did infiltrate numerous groups, then reported back to the city. Yeah, technically, Philly police didn’t infiltrate anybody — just like what’s-his-name didn’t have sex with that woman. So who’s policing the police? —Sara Marcus

Worst reprise of Cold War-era hysteria

Memo to Pennsylvania police: The Soviet Union is dead, and the Cold War is over. So why are they still hunting Reds? On August 1, police sealed the "puppet affidavit" they’d used to gain entry to protesters’ warehouse at 41st and Haverford. When they unsealed it a month later, people got to read a rambling document that profiles nearly a dozen activist groups, many unconnected with the warehouse, and that warned of a Communist conspiracy at work in our city: "Funds [for one organization] allegedly originate with Communist and leftist parties… Other funds reportedly come from the former Soviet-allied World Federation of Trade Unions." Is a new McCarthyism in the offing? Let’s hope the answer’s nyet. —Sara Marcus

Rudest squawkers

It is said that Tom Wolfe calls frenetic technophiles "connectivity assholes," and it’s a characterization that will ring a bell if you ever ride the Philadelphia-to-NYC Metroliner lounge car. Cell phone users at their loudest. Infoglut in spades. But revenge is easy. If you’re reading in the lounge car, as I was, start reading aloud — very loud — while staring him (usually a man) in the eye. He may not quit, but he’ll lower the decibel level. For long-term prevention: spread the rumor that cell phone use causes impotence. —Harriette Behringer

Most unsanitary rail station

Originally, this was going to focus on the men’s room in Suburban Station, where I am fairly certain none of the stall doors lock. But then I realized the whole station feels like a rest room — one that hasn’t received a custodial checkup in years. It takes a special station to out-scum the Gallery, and Suburban is very special. —Michael Pelusi

Best plan for calming West Philly traffic and reforming SEPTA

No more parking lots in University City! A spate of lots has recently opened, and the educated folks bullying their way out of them show vast ignorance — of common courtesy. If Penn and Drexel were to underwrite transpasses rather than lots and campus buses, you can bet the streets would not only be unclogged and placid, but SEPTA would have to improve service, at least in West Philly, just to quit hearing about it from this highly articulate clientele. —Mary Armstrong

Best way to make Philly cab rides even more dangerous

Between potholes and wild drivers, taking a cab in Philly can be a jolting experience. Add cell phones to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. Recent rides found drivers reluctantly breaking away from phone calls to hear my destination, then returning to chat for the remainder of the ride. But I wasn’t the only thing these drivers weren’t paying attention to. Several near collisions during the course of one 20-block ride had me feeling high anxiety. Think a call to someone’s boss is in order? Think again. Most cab companies we polled don’t even have a cell phone policy. Suddenly SEPTA is lookin’ real good. —Fern Sternberg

Best reason to think twice before hailing that cab in the first place

How many times have you waved your arm about wildly only to discover a cab is occupied as it swerves past? Sure, some taxis do turn their dome lights on when free and flick them off when full, but most don’t have off-duty signs. We need a standardized system to indicate when cabs are available — and that may happen if state legislators approve current proposals, according to sources at the Public Utilities Commission. Let’s hope they do. —Laura Spagnoli

Biggest waste of (a relatively small amount of) taxpayer money

The Streets Department decided this year that 82 intersections needed "no turn on red" signs. While it’s nice to see something done about pedestrian safety, posting signs is a futile gesture without enforcement by police. Stand at 17th and Locust sometime and count how many cars actually yield to pedestrians in the crosswalk, as a prominently placed sign orders them to do. It’s damn few. —Frank Lewis

Worst place to walk on a Saturday night

Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and the south side of Market between 2nd and 3rd is an impenetrable mob on Saturday night. The tables on the sidewalk and the proximity of the Continental make this block the best place in town to overhear four cell phone conversations at once, or to trip over someone’s Italian shoes and end up with your face in a plate of pasta — if that’s the kind of thing you go for. In any case, how hip can a block be when it’s home to Snow White and Anthony’s? —Lucien Crowder

Most surprising garden path

Locust Street passes more than a few secluded spots on its way through Rittenhouse and Washington Squares and the Society Hill Towers complex. But the most surprising of these may be on the block between 4th and 5th. Not only is this stretch of Locust lightly trafficked, it’s also bordered by four beautiful small gardens: two immaculately cared-for plantings tended by the Episcopal Diocese of Pennsylvania "as a reminder of the beauty of God’s creation"; a bricked pathway and plaza lined with rosebushes dedicated to the signers of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence; and, best of all, a magnolia garden that’s serene all year but spectacular in the spring. George Washington reportedly loved magnolias; some lunchtime, take a seat among the trees planted in his honor and enjoy the peace and quiet only a noisy city can provide. —David Warner

Best stoop-sitting

Following the tradition of South Philly porch gatherings, the two-block span of Spruce Street between 10th and 12th streets has become the hippest place to see and be seen. The diverse Washington Square West community of art students, newlyweds and medical frat guys unites on the stoops of rowhomes turned apartment complexes. On warmer days, these informal gatherings often turn into parties with sidewalk barbecues, street sales and music festivities. In fact, it’s become so chic that transient "stoopers" have been known to unrightfully take up stoop space that does not belong to them. But at the peak of the porch-perching day, Spruce Street inhabitants usually take everyone in with open arms. —Hillary Rea

Best new hair salon

	photo: Ron Coalson

Finally, a salon that is upscale and full-service but also cozy and intimate. Salon South is a perfect combination of Rittenhouse Square spa and South Philly salon-in-a-basement. Marco (left) —no last name needed, to add to the uptown allure— has been doing the Philly hair scene for almost 20 years, and he finally opened his own place last November. A great haircut with all the, um, trimmings, but without the intimidation factor. —Debra Auspitz

620 S. 5th St., 215-928-2330.

Best place to make a contribution to a presidential candidate

Buy some cocaine or heroin at 2nd and Lehigh, and sooner or later the money will wind up in the pockets of some president somewhere. Back in 1995, narcotics investigators uncovered a plot by a Dominican political party to sell coke and heroin in Philly to raise campaign funds for their presidential candidate. A year later, members of that same party — while under investigation by the DEA — gave tens of thousands of dollars at a fundraiser for the New York State Democratic Committee attended by Al Gore. He was campaigning for re-election at the time. —Howard Altman

Best coinman

The Philly Stamp & Coin store is a numismatic paradise because manager Richard Gittis tells it like it is. Show him a coin that’s practically worthless (perhaps it’s been painted) and he says, "Spend it or give it away." Show him a Sacagawea dollar coin pictured in an ad in the Inquirer shopping magazine that reads, "Exquisitely colorized… exclusively available from the New England mint," and he says, "It’s not a government mint and it’s not exclusive," pointing to the same coin in the store at $10 less. The only remaining coin dealer in Center City, the shop was founded by Gittis’ father in l924. Now his son Robert is in the business — promising that the buying, selling and appraising of ancient Roman to modern coins will be around for a while. —Harriette Behringer

1804 Chestnut St., 215-563-7341.

Best place to buy used musical gear

Forget the pawn shops and online bidding. Cintioli’s Music Center in Northeast Philly, where "every day is a sale," has a dumping ground of dust-covered synthesizers, drum machines, samplers and other electronic music gadgets. Once you can adjust to the staff’s blunt Northeast attitude, you can haggle your ass off until the price is lower than you’d bargained for. —Sean O’Neal

Cintioli’s Music Center, 5349 Oxford Ave., 215-533-2050.

Most missed record store

It’s been a little over a year since the doors closed at Bobbito’s Footwork in Old City — the only store in Philly that specialized in crucial underground wax and hip-hop culture, thanks to hip-hop connoisseurs like Rich Medina, Stef Tataz, Jack Boogi and friends. Presently, the remaining stock of Bobbito’s records can be found in the basement of Cue Records. —Sean O’Neal

Stef Tataz (former manager of BF) can be reached at Cue Records, 617 S. 4th St., 215-413-3525.

Most incompetently run grocery store

SuperFresh’s market niche is half-frozen produce: bloodless tomatoes at the height of summer, pears that could be deadly in Curt Schilling’s grip. The management at the Fifth Street location, more incompetent than certain SEPTA clerks, stocks the place like a Brooklyn bodega and lets basic items disappear from the shelves for weeks at a time. At the customer service window they’d as soon shoot you as look at you, and many of the checkout people have expunged hello from their vocabularies. If you go to hell, the SuperFresh on Fifth is where you’ll have to shop. —Lucien Crowder

Fifth and Pine Sts., (215) 625-9430.

Most out-of-hand South St. institution

What is the deal with all the used record stores? Philly Record Exchange, Disc Connection, Sound & Vision Odyssey, Pop Culture Collectables; not to mention the used-record sections of Spaceboy, the Book Trader, Repo Records and Thrift for AIDS. Granted, these places cater to differing tastes. (The Record Exchange has, as always, a fine collection of old rock. Pop Culture Collectables has a lot of old skin mags.) But the fact that most of them seem to be located within the same two or three blocks is a bit much. —Michael Pelusi

Noisiest supermarket

Long lines. I can handle long lines. Way I see it, that’s part of the whole supermarket experience, really. No, what makes my shopping experience at Grays Ferry Pathmark just this side of painful is the noise level. Main problem: the loudspeaker. "ATTENTIONSHOPPERSWEAREHAVINGASALEONAMERICANCHEESE AVAILABLEFORALIMITEDTIME!"I keep expecting to see Danny DeVito yelling at Tony Danza and Andy Kaufman.—Michael Pelusi

3021 Grays Ferry Ave., 215-551-7275.

Best way to avoid crowds

Do your business in the wee hours in South Philly, where 24-hour shopping abounds. Home Depot on Delaware Ave. answers the urge for middle-of-the-night home improvement, while Spin Cycle at Front and Snyder aids in tidiness. Pathmark at 4th and Oregon lets you stock the larder, or you can forget about cooking and stop by the Oregon Diner next door. —Mary Armstrong

Home Depot, 1601 S. Colombus Blvd., 215-218-0600.

Spin Cycle Coin Laundry, 60 Snyder Ave., 215-551-1190.

Pathmark, 330 Oregon Ave., 215-462-4750.

Oregon Diner, 302 Oregon Ave., 215-462-5566.

Best route for a late-night walk in Society Hill

Find your way to St. Joseph’s Way and Cypress Street and pet the bears in Three Bears Park. Head north on St. Joseph’s to discover the secret footpath past Bingham Court’s shrubbery garden. Go east on St. James Place to appreciate the weirdness of Society Hill Towers. Exit north onto Dock Street and negotiate the city’s most foot-challenging cobblestone thoroughfare. Veer northwest around the Philadelphia Exchange and enter the historical area just south of the First Bank. Walk westward on the grass as far as Independence Hall, reflecting on our nation’s birth without having to encounter actual citizens. Walk southwest to the far corner of Washington Square Park and admire the most elegantly placed magnolia in Philadelphia. Now you’ve walked for half an hour and your shoe leather has barely touched blacktop. That’s real city living. —Lucien Crowder

Best bench you cannot sit on

Haven’t you always longed for a park bench with the perfect amount of sunlight and shade? There’s just such a rare gem in Rittenhouse Square, located in the center section on the southeast side of the fountain. But there is, in addition to the bench, a bench hogger. All day every day, a petite elderly woman stands (not sits) in front of the stone bench. At lunchtime, in the evening, even on major holidays she guards her beloved seat. She may appear selfish, but maybe she’s protecting Philadelphians’ hindquarters from a place they were not destined to park. —Hillary Rea

Most improved park (sorta)

About one summer ago, Washington Square looked like a grade-school dumpster. Now, it’s almost pleasant to: meet a friend for lunch, read, watch the locals walk their dogs. Still, shadows of the Square’s shady (no pun) past remain. Maybe it’s the way they let the grass get a little too unkempt before deciding to mow it. Or maybe it’s that unused water fountain, which could use a good scrubbing. Most of the time, when I want a park to sit in I’ll walk the 11 blocks to Rittenhouse. —Michael Pelusi

Best blocks in the city

Pace the Orlons, South Street is not the street where all the hippies meet — at least not between Broad and 22nd. Nor is this the part of the street that fostered punk rock, Rocky Horror and Andre Gregory. But South Street West does have a rich entertainment heritage, and right NOW it’s surging back to life with the still bustling (and building) Jack Prince empire of Bob & Barbara’s and Bennies. And while these two bars house the finest R&B jazz (Nate Wiley), Bar-B-Q (soul food night) and weekend drag shows, there’s also Eden Roc’s four-floor dance dynasty, a new Copa 3 and L2, along with elder statesmen fooderies like Jamaican Jerk Hut and Ron’s Ribs. Plus there’s now more great late-nite vintage clothing stores and nearly eight late-nite haircutters all buttoning and clipping away. Could Kenny Gamble's Royal renovation turn the block around once and for all? Stay tuned, hippies. —a.d. amorosi

Best place to pre-emptively mourn the Phillies’ 2001 season

Why not have a picnic of overcooked hot dogs and warm beer on the grave of a Phillies owner who was even worse than the current band of losers? The late, great skinflint and Hall of Famer Connie Mack is buried in Holy Sepulchre Cemetery under his birth name, Cornelius McGillicuddy. Call for directions, and to reserve a piece of turf. —Noel Weyrich

Cheltenham Avenue and Easton Road, 215-247-0691.

Best spot to contemplate mortality in Center City

The modest Herb Garden tucked to one side of the Mütter Museum is surprisingly quiet, somewhat secluded and unquestionably soul-restoring. Dragonflies have been known to light on the branches of its trees. Rest a while on one of the park benches, inhale the aroma of fresh thyme, and ruminate on the death, disease and decay housed just a few yards away. —Nate Chinen

Mütter Museum, College of Physicians of Philadelphia, 19 S. 22nd St., 215-563-3737.