July 21-27, 2005

tv party!

The Boy In the (Dirty Doody) Bubble

Being Bobby Brown and the crisis at hand.

by Joey Sweeney

Even the most hardened television watcher sometimes forgets: This shit is miiiind control, yo. Whenever color and language and song fragments and faces get turned into flying electrons, there's just no telling what will happen. Conspiracy theorists, whiny Air America callers-in and other jackanapes will tell you that TV warps minds to the exact shape The Man wants, but it's always been my theory that while TV's power is vast — and it can indeed control minds — it is not altogether so precise as to completely obscure one's own will to think for oneself if one is capable of such a thing in the first place.

Myself? I'm not sure if I can remain in that stratus of humankind. Case in point: For weeks now, I have been haunted by a single phrase I heard on television. It has become a mantra against my own will, thoroughly burrowed and even Tourette's-y in its willingness to pop into my thought stream willy-nilly. Are you ready?

"I'm a dig a dirty doody bubble out of yo butt."

It really is unfortunate. Why not something like "Love is real" or "Hooked On Phonics worked for me"? At least those would be positive. But that's not how Being Bobby Brown would have it. And so it has come to pass that "I'm a dig a dirty doody bubble out of yo butt," as well as the show from whence it emanated, has been having its way with me.

The raw facts: Yes, it's a reality show that follows the comings and goings, Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica-style, of R&B legend-gone-south Bobby Brown and his likewise quickly descending wife, Whitney Houston. It ain't pretty. For one, the couple, while obviously hopelessly devoted, are clearly at this point casualties of some combination of drugs and fame. There's the same kind of deep-set fogginess that we saw in Ozzy, but there's an extra twitch of badness simply because there is no Sharon to take care of Bobby and Whitney, who both clearly need help focusing.

Most of the show centers around Whitney and Bobby shopping. It's not a show about shopping, though; it's a show about their lives, but the problem is that shopping is their lives. And if you've ever known anyone who slides into the easy comfort of buying things when there are problems to be faced, well, you know that's worrisome.

Especially when you have as many problems as Bobby and his family. I'll list what's up with them briefly: They both seem to have problems with anger and drinking. Their daughter is nearly an adolescent and she still carries a teddy bear and sucks her thumb. Because of the drinking and violence, Bobby is always in trouble with the law. Sometimes he even goes to jail. And they burn through money like it was paper, even though it's probably safe to assume that Bobby's musical fortunes are past him, and Whitney's are limited to fat royalty checks. There's not a lot that's new under the sun with Bobby and Whitney, and that is the essence of the problem. Kind of.

But the rub is that you can't help but worry for them. This is that new kind of white-knuckle TV in which you wish to hell you could reach through the television and somehow stop people from making things worse for themselves. Because despite all of the Brown family's dysfunctions, they really do seem like people who are of good stock (in fact it's Bobby's caretaker older brother, Tommy, who seems to constantly remind them and us of this) and love life and each other. It's just that they're kind of cracked out. Whitney is as real as it gets, and Bobby, well, Bobby is the kind of guy who'd dig a dirty doody bubble out of your butt. If that was what you needed.

Being Bobby Brown airs Thursdays on Bravo at 10 p.m.

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Plus...TV/Tivo Tips!
THIS WEEK'S THEME: Desperation!
July 21-Aug. 4

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Thu., July 21, 9 p.m., ABC
The latest development in the Bridget Jones-ing of Reality TV. ABC news takes a hard look at a year in the online dating lives of America's least self-respecting apartment-and-multiple-cat types.

The Surreal Life
Sun., July 24, 9 p.m., VH1
Balki vs. Janice Dickinson vs. Omarosa vs. Pepa. Poor Balki, he doesn't stand a chance.

Rock Star: INXS
Tue., July 26, 10 p.m., CBS
Somewhere, Michael Hutchence is looking up from his newspaper and, for the first time, thanking God that he died while jerking off with a rope around his neck.

Party At The Palms
Wed., July 27, 10 p.m., E!
Alright, girls! Make sure you step off the train and have a great time at the Palms tonight! It's your last stop before actual porn.