The first thought that came to mind while watching USC's Matt Leinart kick Jesus' puppy and sodomize the Virgin Mary's kitten early Saturday night was this: Yo God, where the hell'd you go?

The second was a bit less blasphemous: Maybe it's not all that bad that my new home in East Falls can't get Comcast SportsNet, since I've had enough of the Eagles and all the affiliated drama. Absolutely enough.

When Notre Dame returns to the grand stage and plays its guts out for free, nobody pays attention; but T.O. again proves that he's a gutless, passive-aggressive brat and now it's apocalypse time in the Delaware Valley. So I'm done with it all until B Dawk throws on a Doors CD and puts Owens' hand through a mirror — or at least sticks a napalm air-freshener in the whiney, greedy bitch's locker. (Should chemical-warfare agents prove unattainable, Charlie, a Roy Williams jersey would suffice.)

Still, I gotta do what I gotta do, so here's your quick pick for Sunday. Excluding the fact that a single player has poisoned an entire, once-excellent professional football team, there are 18 reasons why the Chargers will hand Andy Reid an unprecedented post-bye-week loss: LaDainian Tomlinson.

Week of rest or not, the Eagles are in disarray and even though the D'll knock Antonio Gates around like he was Alge Crumpler, it won't be enough to prevent a 24-19 loss. What that means is, come next week, they'll be sitting at 3-3, a .500 team already in a deep playoff-tiebreaker hole. Facing a nasty Daily News back-page headline and two sportstalk stations loaded with Plath-like fans, the boys in green will be grappling with a trip to the Mile High city.

The problem there is threefold: 1) They can't win in Denver, for the Broncos are the gold-standard franchise in all of sports, 2) I'll have to wear a jacket over my Elway jersey lest I alienate the new neighbors and 3) I'm going to need to find a safe place to watch the "contest" since the wife won't let me go to a game-day party with her. (Considering what happened near the end of the Dallas game, I can't blame her.)

What's a realist to do? Take the week off, of course.

When this exercise in futility eradication started some 24 games ago, I knew I could explain how they'll lose with the purest of hearts (and cheekiest of tongues) except for one game every six years or so. Well, that game's upon us.

So, if you want to help the Eagles beat the Broncos, send an e-mail to hickey@citypaper.net by 4 p.m. Oct. 24 explaining precisely how Jack Plummer, Ashley Lelie, Tatum Bell, Al Wilson or any Bronco of your choice will browbeat your squad into sub-.500 submission. You might just help them win, so long as you put "John Elway is a god among men" in the subject line. The winning 400-word entry will get published in this very space on Oct. 27. Godspeed, delusional ones.