You've seen those goofy new SEPTA ads, right? The ones that show a regional rail conductor perched in a doorway with the quotes (presumably his): "This is an eatin' town. And I'm an eatin' man."

Ah, SEPTA. Only a gloriously inept mass transit agency would launch an ad campaign that has not a fucking thing to do with mass transit. Even "We're Getting There" has something to do with locomotion.

"Eatin' Man" says what — there are lots of restaurants near train stops? Maybe in the next series of ads, a helpful conductor can say, "This is a Titty-Lovin' Town. And I'm a Titty-Lovin' Man," to remind us about our fine adult entertainment centers.

Anyway, I bring this up because I saw the ad during my morning El ride. Then I looked down at the pamphlet a SEPTA employee had handed me: "Travel Tips for Customers in the Event of a Service Interruption."

If this is an "eatin' town," looks like we're gonna be starvin' next week.

The pamphlet was a surprise. Usually SEPTA doesn't actually bother to communicate with its customers, other than to say, "Watch the closing doors." And at first glance, "Travel Trips" seems packed with info. But boil it down, and it's a single tip:

Hope you live near a regional rail line.

In case you haven't seen a copy, here are some handy excerpts:

"SEPTA's contracts with its various unions … have expired and their leadership have indicated the possibility of a service interruption. While we remain optimistic [a contract agreement] can be accomplished…"

But they've spent a lot of money printing up these useless guides, anyway.

"… we have prepared an alternate service plan to assist our riders."

You mean telling everybody to use the one system — through some union quirk — that isn't striking?

"With many Regional Rail lines serving stations within the City, the trains will offer the best alternative for getting to your destination during a work stoppage."

Unless you have a car, bike or rickshaw.

"Regional Rail service will operate according to the current published schedule times."

Because SEPTA couldn't be bothered to add more trains. Despite telling 400,000 people this is their best alternative.

"During the PM peak, customers leaving from the 3 Center City stations … will be asked to wait in line at the concourse level … to ensure the safe boarding of passengers."

Hope you didn't have dinner plans.

I know, I know: You thought this was an eatin' town.

And it is. SEPTA wants you to swallow this crap by the pound.