News & Media

Mixed Message: We love Glenna Goodacre´s Irish Memorial because it makes us cry. Guess we´re just the kind of people who are only happy when we´re sad.

For the maudlin and just plain messy, look no further than what passes for news and media in this town. They bugged City Hall and found a patsy. They dug a hole at 18th and Arch and are erecting a monument to cable behemoths. Some naked guys stole cop cars, John Street spun a yarn that could turn into a wireless boondoggle, a litter of bloggers snarked up the place and the Daily News went on Atkins. Through thick and thin, this town is full of high-wire acts and feats of derring-do.

Biggest Patsy Since Oswald, Biggest Fall Guy Since Lee Majors
Sure, you should do the time if you do the crime and all that. But why, then, did Corey Kemp get 10 years in prison for being a wide-eyed, naîve City Hall newbie while those who still whore our local government out like a cheap K&A junkie still get to play us for suckas? We'd like to chalk it up to how he missed the "Don't Brag About How Easy It Is to Take Care of Your Friends on Wiretap" orientation session. But, best we can figure, it's just because he happened to be the easiest fish to scoop out of the barrel, until Rick Mariano, that is.
--H

Friendliest Ghost
Beyond all the good that John Street tries to do -- the WiFi, the casinos -- he'll always have this ghost behind him: Ron White. The Richard Allen projects-born kid-turned-lawyer/Democratic fundraiser/center square in an FBI political witch hunt got a get-out-of-jail-free card by croaking. But dying doesn't mean you don't testify. And when that voice -- taped by the feds in more than 400 calls -- was heard to be allegedly collaborating with then-treasurer Corey Kemp: That's The Sound of Philadelphia. Kemp got a "guilty" on 27 corruption-related charges; White got eternity as the disembodied voice of friendly persuasion.
--ADA

Best of the Daily News' Usually Lame Character Columnists
Long before the corpses of Riot Grrl and T.O.'s Leg are located, it'll be our main man Stinkmeister tracking the stench. The guy's not only got the best of intentions, he also has a million synonyms for "turd-smelling."
--PR

Best Reading of Writing on the Wall
On Jan. 31, Zack Stalberg announced his retirement after more than three decades at the Daily News, two of which saw him at the People Paper's helm. On Sept. 20, with Stalberg digging in as the Committee of Seventy watchdog group's head, Knight Ridder seemingly summoned a death knell in announcing that 25 newsroom jobs had to be slashed from the DN's already decimated staff.
--H

Most Daily News Daily News headline:
"Ernest Hemorroid," for a cover story on Jose Canseco's steroids-in-baseball book? Zack Stalberg is rolling over in his nonprofit grave.
--PR

Most Logical Development in Local Media
Quick, name someone from the Channel 17 News besides Steve "Captain Caaaa-ve-mahahan" Highsmith. Yeah, us neither. Granted, anybody getting laid off is no laughing matter, but considering we live in a media-oversaturated city, it's hard to bemoan the loss of a newscast that nobody watched in the first place.
--H

Most Illogical Development in Local Media
Dear Knight Ridder Suits: You are a bunch of sick fucks. Sincerely, A Philadelphian who values the two local daily newspapers that your greedy little hands and beady little eyes targeted for unfair, unrealistic layoffs. P.S. Did I mention you are a bunch of sick fucks?
--H

Silliest Representation of Philly Alt-Weeklies in an Otherwise Super Novel
It's just not possible to make enough money writing a column for the Philadelphia Times -- with no other job -- to live in a great apartment on Delancey Street and feed yourself. The Big Love, by Sarah Dunn, a former CP staffer, went paperback this summer and it's a great read, with a witty heroine enjoying Reading Terminal and making keen observations about the city. But Alison's ability to write 800 words a week and survive? We don't buy it. And we should know.
--NA

Worst Intersection
There are a lot of bad intersections in the city. But the most quickly deteriorating traffic patterns have an epicenter at Delaware Avenue and Tasker Street, where the volume generated by new strip malls, the I-95 ramps and a paucity of signals have created a nightmare. Impending plans to put a casino on the northeast corner of this mess should strike fear into the heart of anyone with a license to drive.
--JB

Best Third World Parking Experience
Sure, you could leave the country. But if all you want is the experience of navigating your car through a Moroccan souk, head right to the Whole Foods at 20th and Pennsylvania streets. Lanes? Who needs lanes? The tiny, crammed oval that passes for a parking lot is invariably packed with SUVs trying to squeeze into matchbox-size spaces while others try to squeeze around, behind or under them. A proliferation of orange cones, traffic cops and the use of the garage under the nearby Philadelphia Sports Club help alleviate the pressure, but the traffic pattern is still more tangled than a cappellini dinner. Trader Joe's, we're looking at you, too.
--SA

Best Doctor Dolittle Impression
Last January, things were looking bleak for a gorilla at the zoo named Demba. She had an 11-pound tumor in her uterus and needed a hysterectomy to save her life. So, the zoo guilt-tripped Dr. Sean Harbison (a Temple doc who usually operates on people) and a team from the Penn Veterinary School (who usually operate on cats and dogs) for some amazing improvised surgery. Now we know who to call when the chimps are down.
--PR

Best Reason to Put Your Cat in a Carrier
Does your dog have the devil in him? Got a pussy in need of redemption? Every October, St. James Lutheran Church holds a Blessing of the Animals service, where you can bring anything you might consider a pet to get a little God. It's a howling, meowing, hissing, squealing good time with music, gospel readings and a personal blessing from Pastor Paul Andell. Stuffed and plastic animals are welcome too. Castor Ave. and Pratt St., 215-743-1828
--MB

Best Trash-Related Disaster
Remember how much fun ghost-riding your bike was as a kid? If not, you ain't from Jersey -- and, for this, I pity you. All those grand memories came back into focus on Nov. 20, 2004, when an unmanned trash truck went on a joyride a la Maximum Overdrive sans Estevez. When the garbagemen at work got out to empty a dumpster near 19th and Callowhill, the truck coasted down 19th, went across the Ben Franklin Parkway and slammed into Logan Square's historic Swann Fountain. It was funny until someone got hurt, which is why we're still laughing today.
--H

Most Overdue Action
First it was imminent, then it was delayed. Are we getting a smoking ban, or what? People are dying over here. Doesn't anyone care? No one at the bar wants to sniff my hair. For the love of God, doesn't anyone care?
--MJF

Best Place to Get a Black History Lesson on the Way to Work
Nothing like hearing how you work for "the man" on your way to work for him. If you board or depart the subway before 9 a.m. at Tasker-Morris, you are sure to encounter the three workers who love to give a little knowledge on African ancestry (they're equipped with book and DVD materials all year round), engaging willing patrons in passionate discussions.
--DD

Everything Old is New Again: Have you been taken back in time, or have you been taken to Girard Avenue? Hard to tell, what with the new, er, old, er, new trolleys.

Coolest Transportation "Innovation"
Gaze up at the Girard Avenue Bridge from either River Drive. When the restored PTC trolleys glide over, it's like looking into a time warp. Rail fans from all over bused in for a ride when SEPTA brought the old cars out for historic day loops. Now that they're running every day (well, when SEPTA isn't striking), we can all get a refurb fix. www.phillytrolley.org
--MA

Best Bus Stop to Get Hit on by Crackheads
Sure, every bus stop has a sketchy character or two -- the guy who talks dirty to himself, the woman with the 30 bags of kitty litter -- but the corner of 11th and Market has the whole damn cast. We're talking shadow-skulking creeps in trench coats (sorry guys, Doc Johnson's has gone all Condo World on your unlaid ass), weed dealers in serious need of a shower, smacked-up misfits cruising for some white lighting and Jams-clad b-boys breaking it down to shoulder-perched boom boxes.
--AH

Most Desperate Attempt to Extend Moment in the Spotlight
A half a year after the media frenzy surrounding his arrest at Philadelphia's Outfest (a frenzy City Paper happily joined with a Feb. 3 cover story), local evangelical Michael Marcavage released this statement about Hurricane Katrina: "Although the loss of lives is deeply saddening, this act of God destroyed a wicked city … From 'Girls Gone Wild' to 'Southern Decadence,' New Orleans was a city that had its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin. May it never be the same." Soon enough, Marcavage was being quoted on The Daily Show. Who says there are no second acts in American bigotry?
--DT

Biggest Scumbag
Glenn Beck, host of the morning show for Philadelphia's WPHT 1210 AM, made waves this fall by calling those victims of Hurricane Katrina who expressed impatience while waiting for government aid "scumbags." He went on to declare that he was going to start raising money for "regular people," outside the disaster zone of New Orleans. What could Beck have meant by "regular people"? We can't imagine.
--DT

Best Evacuees
Well, we only got about 40 of 'em, but you know our Katrina evacuees are the best. All the other ones totally suck.
--PR

Rock Bottomest Media Moment
This is a tough one, what with Alycia Lane practically stripping down into a singlet and Jell-o wrestling Larry Mendte in a steel-cage grudge match. But fer fuck's sake, what was up with the whole Terrell Owens' driveway thing? Do any of us need front-page placement or helicopter angles of a spoiled brat marching away from the schoolyard with his kickball since he's not allowed to pitch? How about flooding the zone on something like, oh, rampant government corruption, kid-diddling priests or a public school system that continues to drive families out of Philadelphia?
--H

Most Revealing Media Shitstorm
Sure, we were indignant as the next guy about the whole Jessica Pressler New York Times Philly-as-Sixth-Borough bit. Our knickers were knotted, our panties sufficiently bunched. But man, has the reaction to a soulless advertorial ever provided such a shocking window into the dark twisted psyche of a city? We all crowed, cawed, hemmed, hawed and expectorated all over everyone and everything for weeks over someone having the gall to define us in relation to New York. Are we that insecure? Or does Pressler just annoy us that much?
--BH

The Hustlin' (Legally) Entrepreneur Award
Cassidy ain't much of a hustler with his ass in jail, but Ed Crawford of Phatboy Media is a legal hustler. His Web-based graphic design and development company established itself as a premier minority business, and boasts clientele including Zanzibar Blue, Brian Westbrook and Rap Snacks. PBM is proof that legal hustlin' may be arduous and frustrating, but the payoff is well worth it. www.phatboymedia.com
--DD

Mixed Message: We love Glenna Goodacre's Irish Memorial because it makes us cry. Guess we're just the kind of people who are only happy when we're sad.

Public Display That Will Make You Weep Openly
The Irish have a word for it: bronach, which writer Ken Bruen tells me is Gaelic for "soul sickness." I'm not Irish, but my wife and kids are, and I've come to realize my lifelong manic-depressiveness may not be so much a chemical imbalance as a yearning in my blood, beckoning me to the bittersweet shores of Galway Bay or the heartbreak-pocked streets of Dublin. And if a trip to the Emerald Isle is out of the question, I do the next best thing: leave the CP office and walk one and a half blocks to Glenna Goodacre's Irish Memorial at Penn's Landing. This sob-inducing slab of bronze depicts the ravages of the Great Hunger and the exodus of the Irish from their homeland. It's the McDLT of the human soul: One side represents hopes and dreams; the other, stark, fevered reality. Staring at it for 10 minutes is guaranteed to summon tears. Gaze any longer, you'll be too far gone to ever find your way back. In short: highly recommended!
--DS

Most Disturbing Nudist Trend
What to do when you've got two instances of "naked man steals police cruiser" in one year? Add it to your police radio code list? In February, a man threw off his bathrobe, bit an officer and then made off in his car before crashing it and being chased down on foot. In July, flash-and-dasher No. 2 didn't fare as well: He wrestled the gun away from an officer, got shot four times and then hopped into a cruiser, which he drove, slumped down in the seat, right into a NJ Transit bus; he later died. Words fail.
--BH

Best Reason to Come to the Northeast
We have a little sumpin' sumpin' called driveways, which is where we park our cars. That means no double or triple parking. And we don't stop in the middle of the street to unload groceries. So all you Center City and South Philly types who think the Northeast isn't worth the $3 in gas you'd burn to drive up I-95, well… on second thought, screw you. Stay where you are.
--MB

Best Whale
Congratulations, Helis, you were our only whale this year.
--PR

Biggest Disappointment We Sort of Saw Coming
The grand installation of giant steel sculptures on the prime Parkway site. The famous Japanese architect. The $5 million from Pew. The proposed $15 million from Gov. Rendell. It was all just a little too good to be true. As the months dragged on, with the family balking on long-term loans and private funders unwilling to match Rendell's money under such conditions, the collapse of the Calder Museum plans was sort of an unspoken foregone conclusion. Last year, we gave Calder Foundation director (and the artist's grandson) Alexander S.C. Rower a theoretical shovel to start laying the foundation for the museum he claimed he was so eager to build. Guess he never got the package.
--LH

Worst Whale
You suck, Helis.
--PR

Most Realistic Philly-Set Show
From the characters' aimless conversations to the Obey Your Thirst backboards at the 10th and Bainbridge courts, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia never fails to ring true Philly. The premise isn't new and exciting -- four friends open a bar -- and the ratings weren't stellar, but the show's first seven episodes displayed a sharp wit and a Philadelphia that looks like Philadelphia, good and bad. FX has justly rewarded it with a full season order, so look for it again next year.
--NA

Best New Civic Architecture
Standing apart from the odd melange to the south that is Independence Park is the Constitution Center. The resolutely modernist design, echoing the east wing of the National Gallery in Washington, is refreshing, cool and elegant. But what really matters is what's inside, a remarkably stimulating overview of the history of the rule of law in America. What everyone thought was a classic pork barrel project has turned out to be an exciting museum that has attracted worldwide attention. Have you been there yet? 525 Arch St., 215-409-6600, www.constitutioncenter.org
--PB

Best New Addition to the City Skyline/New Construction With the Best Fire Escape System
I admittedly don't know a ply cap from a parapet, or much else about architecture. But I know dramatic and beautiful, and that's what the Cira Centre is to almost everyone who has seen it slicing through the West Philly wild blue (including, as much as I hate to say it, those usually cracked "Best of" judges at Philly Mag). Cesar Pelli's giant geometric ice castle is also this city's best chance of escaping out of its colonial-era time warp and into the 21st century since The Real World. As for the great fire escape system: Nobody told us this. It's just got to be. Post-9/11, nobody would set foot in this bulls eye in the sky if it wasn't the safest place in town. www.ciracentre.com
--CW

Best ER in Which to Get Stitches After a Drinking Accident
Pennsylvania Hospital, hands down. True, the night staff said I was the recipient of dumb luck, but the operation passed so quickly that the wine was still cold when I got back to the apartment. Which is a nice thing, when you've got two sutures so close to your eye that they turn up in your peripheral vision. But you know what? Purchasing a quality corkscrew is an even better bet.
--TP

Third Best Blue Hen in the Philly Media
This is the best anybody can hope for, considering City Paper currently boasts two University of Delaware graduates. Still, we hope to see big things happen for Matt O'Donnell, co-host of the Action News morning show over at Channel 6. Big, like taking over for Jim Gardner once the big fella decides to clear the path for a new anchor who, while photogenic enough to get Delaware Valley housewives all worked up in a Lorenzo-Lamas-stopped-over-while-hubby-was-out tizzy, actually earns his chops by having a brain in his head.
--H (UD Class of '95)

Most Playful Issue Campaign
Brett Mandel, the director of Philadelphia Forward, is very, very sincere about Tax Reform: He sends out literally hundreds of e-mails railing against the city's failure to cut the hated business privilege tax. But the e-mails tend to have a lighthearted tone (a recent excerpt: "We got trouble … right here in the new River City! And that starts with a 'T,' which rhymes with 'P' and that stands for PAY-TO-PLAY,") and Mandel has tried attention-grabbing gimmicks such as a limerick contest and auctioning the BPT off on eBay (no one bid on it). Can tax reform coexist with comedy? "We do try to mix it up," Mandel says, "because some of this stuff can bore you to tears."
--DT

Greenest Organization, Asphalt Division
Watching soccer moms squeeze their Hummers into city-sized parking spaces has always been a great source of personal amusement. Granted, my commute is a 40-minute walk, but knowing that gas is hovering around $3 a gallon makes my smile even wider, 'cause these monstrosities suck up a gallon every 10-15 miles. Which brings me to Philly Car Share. Join and drive an eco-friendly Prius to your next grocery-getting mission, and let someone else deal with long-term parking. www.phillycarshare.org
--CV

Most Creative Hobo in Rittenhouse Square
Taking cues from the lighter side of Batman villainy is The Riddler, a polite Rittenhouser who offers factoids to his audience before asking them for change. His schtick can range anywhere from animal and nature trivia to G-rated riddles and jokes. It's refreshing to be entertained before coughing up quarters. What's even better is that you can see the friendly Riddler later on with food he purchased with your spare cents.
--JS

Best Place to Find Out Things About the City That Your Friends Don't Know
Craigslist isn't that popular here and is ideal for posting ads or announcements. The best online place to post a question about some specific neighborhood or aspect of life in Philly is the forum section of the misleadingly named phillyblog. I've never looked at the blogs but I've gotten great advice about new restaurants, the reliability of renegade local phone companies (i.e., Cavalier) and zoning board procedures from folks who've been there. Registration is free and contents of all posts are searchable (for the posting-shy). www.phillyblog.com
--CW

Most Unnecessary Blog
First things first: We think Philadelphia Weekly's Steve Volk is a nice enough guy. So, we must shoulder a little bit of the blame here. After all, friends shouldn't let friends get so absorbed in an idea, or a story with book-deal potential, that they go all lackey for a half-assed rapper who wouldn't qualify as a celebrity on Half-Assed Rapper Day. Alas, when we checked a couple weeks back, BeanieBlog.com was still up and running. On the bright side, it'll come in handy in a month or two when someone needs to figure out who Beanie Sigel is. Or was.
--H

Most Telling Sign That Comcast Will Soon Burn in Hell
Back in 1875, when telegrams actually served as a form of communication, Western Union built a kick-ass headquarters building in New York City. One year later, its president passed on the patent for a new-fangled invention called the telephone. Oops. Then, 109 years later, AT&T built a statement building of its own and then gave birth to the Baby Bells, which ultimately stripped the company of much of its power. Oops again. Five years ago, Time Warner broke ground on an all-powerful skyscraper too; this happened two months before the company merged with AOL. Triple oops. Hey, anybody know what that big hole in the ground at 18th and Arch streets is all about?
--H

Most Transcendent Blog
All Philly blogs are trend-worshipping, friend-promoting, slang-butchering cesspools of sarcasm and soullessness, right? Yeah, mostly, but Daniel Rubin's Blinq -- the webbed arm of the Inquirer, of all things -- manages to outwit and out-entertain its peers by remaining refreshingly unhip and utterly panoptic in its interests. Yeah, he's a blogger, so he often blogs about blogs, but Rubin's professional attitude and personal touches make Blinq feel more like a column than a mere newsletter of the weird. http://blogs.philly.com/blinq
--PR

Most Played-Out Hipster Writer Affectation
On blogs, message boards and in weeklies like this one, snark has become the lingua franca of designated cool people everywhere. Snark is steeped in sarcasm, impressed with nothing and elevates the one-liner above all other forms of communication. Critiquing snark is a fruitless act in and of itself. So we humbly ask: In the future, when everyone's dedicated to wielding their superiority as smugly as possible, how will we tell who actually knows what they're talking about?
--MP

Easiest Place to Get Lost
The centerpiece of our fair city has plenty of attributes: It's a National Historic Landmark, the largest and most expensive municipal building in the country and home to Billy Penn, the tallest statue on any building in the world. But City Hall isn't exactly user-friendly. There are 14 entrances, 20 elevators and 695 rooms. Add dimly lit corridors, unmarked restrooms and room numbers that are occasionally nonsequential and it's a wonder visitors ever make it to their intended destination. Weekday tours of City Hall leave from the Tour Information Center, east portal, room 121; 215-686-2840
--JP

Program Most Likely to Make or Break Philadelphia's Rep
As the mayor's plan to turn the city into a big wireless hot spot rolls along, cities including San Francisco, Chicago, Miami Beach and Portland, Ore., are waiting to see how we cross the "digital divide" and expand access to low-income households. In a behind-closed-doors meeting, EarthLink recently won the bid to build and maintain the network. But resistance from private providers Comcast and Verizon begs the question: Should municipalities be in this business at all?
--JP

Unlikeliest Public Figure to Reimagine as a Supervillain
You know Tom Knutsen, he's the PGW guy who keeps telling you to pay your gas bill or he'll cut you off. That makes perfect sense to us, but still, every week in Bell Curve we picture him stroking a cat, laughing maniacally and shooting lasers from his eyes. We met him. He's a good guy. A little stiff, maybe. Definitely not for-real evil. But we can't stop ourselves. Next week we're running an illustration of him tossing babies into woodchippers. We're sorry. We're so, so sorry.
--PR

Most Surprising Non-Debacle
When they first announced that one of the Live 8 concerts and a projected million people were gonna converge on the Parkway, we were all, "Let's get outta Dodge. Town's gonna burn!" But then a funny thing happened: Nothing. Live 8 went off without so much as a hiccup. Even Milton behaved. And millions of people -- some for the very first time -- saw Philadelphia as a wholly nonflammable city and its populace to be of the non-battery-throwing, non-booing persuasion. So, as weird as it feels to say this, nice job, city.
--BH