Food & Drink

Like a pitcher of margaritas, we're at our best when we're drunk. And right now we are pretty much sauced. Stuffed, too. Like taxidermy. Yes we went out thinking we'd sip and sample, but we ended up gorging and guzzling. But listen. We did it all for you. We wanted to find the best. We sipped righteous soup and ass-smackin' martinis and took Italian lessons in a restroom. Cute sushi? Had it. Cheap tacos? Inhaled 'em. Somewhere along the line a banana split sang to us. We did it all so we could tell you. So here. Read this while we sleep it off.

Best reason To Have Cuervo Handy
Sure, Lolita will mix the freshest of lemon and lime juices into a pretty pitcher for a traditional margarita at your table. But why not go for their more exotic seasonal margarita blends? Try the luminous pink watermelon/mint, or maybe the blood orange/purple basil? And these are no frosty, saccharine Chi-Chi's monstrosities. Just a simply sweetened, original route to a refreshing summer buzz. 106 S. 13th St., 215-546-7100
--LH

Best New/Old Food Trend
What are smelts, you ask? They are little sardine-sized fish that you eat bones and all, which gives them a delectably subtle crunch. Local fishermen, including amateurs, catch them by the netful, and they have long been a staple of the neighborhood bar menu. Lately, they have been seen on some more upscale menus as well, done up with a bit more style than you're likely to find at the corner tappy. Southwark, Fourth and Bainbridge streets, has featured them as an appetizer special, and they are a house favorite at Philly's premier gastro-pub, Standard Tap.
--PB

Cutest Sushi
While America has done its best to make sushi into junk food -- salmon and cream cheese Philly roll, anyone? -- and the best "real" sushi in the area requires a trip across the bridge to Jersey's Sagami, the Wasabi House at 13th and Pine holds the title for sheer cuteness with its version of the Dragon Roll, covered in avocado scales and decorated in eel sauce. I swear, when the chef's on his game, you can read the little guy's expression. 1238 Pine St., 215-732-4790
--JB

Best French Bakery in South Philly
This may seem like faint praise -- Artisant Boulanger Patissier is likely the only French bakery in South Philly -- but this temple of baguettes and croissants wouldn't have succeeded in the land of Italian bread and cannolis if it weren't both great and cheap. Flaky croissants groaning with chocolate-almond or fruit-custard filling here sell for an unbelievable $1.50 to $2.50 -- half to a third of what coffeehouses are reselling Paris-trained Andre Chin's creations for in trendy Old City. 1648 S. 12th St., 215-271-4688
--CW

Sweetest French Toast
Even if you're not a morning person, Café Sud's almond-crusted, thyme-honey-topped French toast will make you glad to be alive. 801 E. Passyunk Ave., 215-592-0499
--MJF

Most Righteous French Onion Soup
In 20 years of vegetarianism, the only things I've missed have been marshmallows (what I wouldn't give to bite the head off a cruelty-free Peep) and French onion soup. The casual lacto-ovo might subscribe to a don't-ask, don't-tell policy, but sticklers are thwarted time and again when we ask about the base. That's why it's so gratifying to see Tenth Street Pour House tout its vegetarian soup right on the menu. Even more gratifying: It's better than I remember. 262 S. 10th St., 215-922-5626
--MJF

Heartiest Vertical Salad
They call it a chop and offer customized toppings like eggplant, pineapple and crumbled eggs, but gourmet pizzeria Fresca Superior's secondary specialty is just a tall salad. And a filling one, at that -- even the comparatively spartan Tokyo chop is a meal in itself. 2005 Walnut St., 215-557-0222
--MJF

BBQ Joint Most Likely to Make Vegetarians Reconsider
I've had a mostly easy time since swearing off meat earlier this year, but one joint that still gets my stomach rumbling is Tommy Gunn´s American Barbeque. The husky aroma wafting from the building jogs memories of pulled pork so tender that its juices soak through a slight coating of sauce and into the Kaiser roll. Now boasting a second location on South Street, Tommy's does barbecue the way it was meant to be: fiery and delectable. Their corn bread is also stellar as well as meatless, but it's out of the question for me. If I returned just to try it again, I'd cave. 4901 Ridge Ave., 215-508-1030, www.tommygunns.net
--JV

Best Reason to Spend Your Trust Fund on Meat
I like that it's a big deal that Stephen Starr is opening Buddakan locations in Atlantic City and Manhattan, and that another Morimoto will tower over the meat-packing district. I like that his theatrical overtures into restauranting are big big BIG. But it's his subtlest, stateliest place I love most: Barclay Prime. After one full year of pissing off the natives with his foie gras, BP is the loveliest example of what a classic steakhouse could be: manly with femme touches; a librarylike club that feels exclusive but not chilly or stuffy; a place that serves up buttery chunks of Gachot & Gachot prime ribeye but isn't afraid to fuck with the Kobe by mimicking White Castle. 237 S. 18th St., 215-732-7560
--ADA

Ass-Smackinest Martini
None of that choco, razza, mangotini shit for me. For the perfect (vodka or gin, thank you) ass-smackin' martini, pay a visit to Southwark. Shaken, of course, the clear but deadly concoction arrives with the thinnest, most delicate layer of ice dancing around three gargantuan olives. Fill your belly with the farmhouse platter, order several rounds, stagger home happy. 701 S. Fourth St., 215-238-1888
--CV

Best Place to Get Completely Shot in the Ass on $20, Then Eat Tacos
Every Tuesday at Las Vegas Lounge, you get $2 Coronas, $2 Cuervo shots, and three tacos for $1. The place has pool tables, Pac Man and huge couches and armchairs for inebriated slouching. Plus, there's always enough room to sit down and chat with gambling-addicted cabbies. If that's your thing. 704 Chestnut St., 215-592-9533
--ML

Best Pound Cake
You say you've had pound cake before? Ha! Lightweight. The innocent-looking loafs that fly off the shelves into the eager arms of Stock´s customers might well be called "10-pound cake." They're firm and dense and slathered thickly with a simple vanilla icing that's sweet but not cloying. Stock's is tough to find, but just pop up Aramingo to Lehigh and follow the line of jonesin' locals and curious tourists to the nondescript storefront, and you're in. 2614 E. Lehigh Ave., 215-634-7344
--MB

Best Cupcake
There's no denying the cupcake has made a comeback, and the best is made by Brown Betty in Northern Liberties. This homey bakery-cum-coffee shop is run by the mother-daughter team of Linda H. and Norrinda V. Brown, who also happen to be a teacher and attorney, respectively. On the scarlet wall, you'll find antique photos of the women after which the dense sweets are named, such as Aunt Eva Says and Hattie Don't Play. 1030 N. Second St., No. 601 Liberties Walk, 215-629-0999, www.brownbettydesserts.com
--HIH

Best Cheesecake
I don't know what the hell the Eurythmics were talking about back in the '80s, but sweet dreams are actually made of cheesecake from the Aramingo Diner. It's thick and lush with a subtle crust that doesn't interfere with the velvety cheesecake experience. You've never had anything this creamy. And if you say you have, I'll run naked through the streets shouting, "Liar!" Feeling extra indulgent? Get it swaddled in chocolate. 3356 Aramingo Ave., 215-291-2903
--MB

Best Chinese Comfort Food
Crunchy on the outside, creamy on the inside, New Harmony´s taro balls taste a lot like any fried tuber -- what culture doesn't equate comfort with starchy goodness? -- but the yin of their mashed center and the yang of their firm skin makes them just as satisfying to swallow as they are to bite into. 135 N. Ninth St., 215-627-4520
--MJF

Most Impressive Chinese Food Prep
First, you hear a loud slap from the shoebox-sized kitchen. Nanzhou Noodle House's head chef is starting to "noodle" your noodle. He's just slammed down the hand-kneaded dough and is pulling it out to the length of his arms and then compressing it between his hands. He repeats several times. This is his secret recipe that'll make the noodles melt in your mouth. 927 Race St., 215-923-1550
--HIH

Best Place to Buy Beer
Deep in the heart of the awesome ruin of empty factories that is Kensington, there is a temple to beer. It is spunky Yards Brewery Company, where delicious handmade ales are produced. Yards is fairly easy to find at any decent beer distributor, but why not get it from the source? At 20 bucks a case, it is one of the best values in quality microbrew. Go on Saturday and get a tour. And, you can do some fab decrepit urban sightseeing while you're in the neighborhood. 2439 Amber St., 215-634-2600
--PB

Best Non-Bar-Food Bar Food
At most bars, the only "reduction" you'll find is in your self-control. But at Kelliann´s, the reduction is of the balsamic vinegar kind, drizzled over grilled steak with baby greens and goat cheese. A hole in the wall by most standards, Kelliann's offers a surprisingly upscale menu alongside traditional bar-food fare to please the throngs of office workers who crowd it midday and can't afford to have a heavy-lunch trance settling in around 2 p.m. 1549 Spring Garden St., 215-563-6990
--MB

Prima Ice Cream-a: So the sundae doesn't actually sing, but the Best Singing Dessert always comes with a song.

Best Singing Dessert
Anyone can provide service with a smile, but for service with a song, the Banana Split for My Baby at old-timey scoop joint Franklin Fountain is the sweetest-sounding dessert around. Scoops of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream are topped with peanut sauce and wet walnuts and garnished with a chorus of Louis Prima's hit. (You even get "a glass of plain water for me," per the lyric.) Lest visions of that traumatic birthday at Chuck E. Cheese dance in your head, we hasten to add that this serenade is nicely restrained -- tasteful, even. 116 Market St., 215-627-1899
--SA

Best Place to Fill Up Before Going to World Café Live
Two phrases in every World Café Live performer's stage patter: "Do you know how lucky you are to have WXPN?" and, "What is this, dinner theater?" Yes and yes. The venue counts on a captive audience to order skimpy salads and hit-or-miss creme brulee, but the food's overpriced even when it's decent. Better to feast on fresh sides at Picnic. With a stomach full of potatoes, pasta and pastries, you can still afford a CD (or a martini). 3131 Walnut St., 215-222-1608
--MJF

Most Elusive Drink
We're all for Philly getting recognition (what took yiz so long?), but does the city's involuntary annexation to the Big Apple mean we have to start paying New York prices as well? Rising rents are one thing, but what happened to the $3 pint? Used to be even hipster hangouts kept a three-buck draft on tap for credibility's sake, but all of a sudden you can't hit the Khyber or the Abbaye without laying down a five-spot for a fresh-poured brew. Yeah, we know Yuengling, that Chinese microbrew they love in Williamsburg, comes in bottles, but it just ain't the same. Staten Island, here we come.
--SA

Sweetest Sweet Revenge Drink to "Accidentally" Spill on Your Ex's New Girlfriend
Not that we know from experience, but the Lindeman´s Framboise Lambic at Ludwig´s Garten is served in champagne-skinny, easy-to-tip glasses. One knock of the elbow and -- whoops, Bavarian blooper -- the new chickie will have a blood-pink stain to rival her most mortifying menstruation story. Think evil thoughts from behind your 17-ounce pilsner as lederhosen-clad waitresses scramble to mop up the mess. If she dares show her pretty little mug in Germantown again, it'll be goulash next time. 1315 Sansom St., 215-985-1525
--AH

Best Simultaneous Headache Reliever/Inducer
Lemon Grass Thai Restaurant packs a fat-stemmed highball glass with cherry brandy, blackcurrant schnapps, tropical fruit schnapps and of course, Jack Daniels. They call it The Black Jack. We call it the perfect way to kick your migraine to the curb while savoring Lemon Grass' massaman curry. Never mind the aftershock. 3626-30 Lancaster Ave., 215-222-8042
--LH

Easiest Pakistani Food for Your Curry-Fearing Friends
Spice lovers may scoff and even find the korma kinda dull. But for that suburban friend who has finally admitted you were right about sushi and falafel, Nanee´s Kitchen is the least intimidating way to discover the delights of the Indian subcontinent. "No curry," the counter ladies insist. You can take that as a caveat, but for your play-it-safe friend, it's an invitation to a world beyond bland. Reading Terminal Market, 12th and Arch sts., 267-918-0786
--MJF

Best Place to Support Small Farms
When other farmers are snug by the fire, Clark Park Farmers Market perseveres. This year, they promise diehards the best of the country every Saturday, a maple sugar producer who also brings fresh eggs and meats, a baker who has stood in the snow previous years selling artisanal breads and whole grain cookies, plus the expected root crops and greenhouse produce. 43rd St. and Chester Ave.
--MA

Classiest Grocery
It's not a convenience store -- it closes too early to be convenient -- but Old Nelson Food Co. has all the gourmet goods Wawa doesn't: nectar, falafel and fresh salads. Even the prepackaged junk food looks a little nicer on the well-organized, neatly kept shelves. 701 Chestnut St., 215-627-7090
--MJF

Best Place to Buy Durian
It's gotten increasingly easy to get strange and rare ingredients, what with the influence of Rachael Ray and the Whole Foods Market. But when you're looking to give your guests the rare experience they've never had, a trip down the aisles of the First Oriental Supermarket at Sixth and Washington streets is in order -- whether for dozens of varieties of fish sauce or for the spiky, football-shaped durian, with its prized sweet-custard taste and feared burnt-sulfur aroma. 215-271-2528
--JB

Best Pizza Deal for Broke Drexel Students
Upon hearing my plans to laud New California Style Pizza´s two larges for $11.99, a CP staffer -- and call me Judy 'cause I ain't saying who -- appraised their pies as "OK." But what Tami Fertig just doesn't get is that certain cuisine, while not the objective best, actually tastes more delicious than its costlier counterparts when consumed by some poor, starving sucker who's still 8,000 credits shy of an engineering degree. Dig in, Dragons. 3231 Powelton Ave., 215-387-8700
--NN

Best Dinner Deal for Smokers on a Budget
There are numerous delicious-sounding entrees on the menu at Marra´s , but we defy you to pass up the pizza. It's perfect, as is the frenetic atmosphere -- with a main room that is also the smoking section -- and the price. Get a small pie with a couple of toppings (just right for two) and a half carafe of Chianti for less than $20. It's a little like going back in time, and it's divine. 1734 E. Passyunk Ave., 215-463-9249
--NA

Best Place to Get a Burrito in the Shape of a Perfect Cube
What's up, QDoba? We're not complaining about the choice of salsas or the scented rice. And what's not to like about a burrito with mole sauce? But honestly, what's going on in the shape department? OK, maybe it's more like a thickened square than a perfect cube, but there's sure as hell no resemblance to a cylinder. No one wants a polygon-shaped burrito! Give us an old-fashioned log. 1528 Walnut St., 215-546-8007
--TP

The Only Place to Have Dinner With Italian Lessons in the Bathroom
Mosey down to Abbraccio, West Philly's answer to the Via Veneto (well, almost), and practice your Italian in the restroom, where they play language instruction tapes. Abbraccio is Italian for "embrace" and you will definitely feel cosseted by pale terra cotta walls hung with revolving selections of original art (currently black-and-white photographs) and a fire blazing in the handsome fireplace (if it's cool). The menu includes daily specials highlighting fresh ingredients and a reasonable wine list. For dessert: "Chocolate West Philly." Very civilized. And where else can you wonder, "Alla due, d'accordo?" ("Is two o'clock okay?") while practicing your best smile? 820 S. 47th St., 215-727-8247
--RR

Most Vegetarian-Friendly Italian Cuisine
Try to modify your meal at many Italian places -- even if it's only asking for olive oil instead of suspiciously chunky sauce -- and you'll get some funny looks. Not at Vesuvio, where a former vegan is in charge of the kitchen. The menu changes often enough that you can't count on finding your favorite, but there's always something worth eating. 736 S. Eighth St., 215-922-8380
--MJF

Most Underrated Non-Legendary South Philadelphia Diner
Three tenets of high diner quality are 24-hour breakfast, cylindrical sugar containers and an impressive selection of baked goods. The Penrose Diner has it all, complete with a menu of Anna Karenina proportions and that irresistible South Philly charm. Outstanding omelets await, as well as a tasty portabella mushroom sandwich with provolone cheese and roasted red peppers. For dessert: chocolate eclairs so rich that they could stand as a meal on their own. 20th St. and Penrose Ave., 215-465-1097
--JS

Only Place in the City With Latkes and Fried Green Tomatoes on the Same Menu
Hungry brunch-goers continue to look past the spotty service, long wait to be seated and ever-present screaming babies, so Honey´s Sit ´n´ Eat must be doing something right. This adorable Northern Liberties spot mixes Jewish (matzo ball soup) and Southern (chicken fried steak) comfort food without forgetting the vegetarians. The omelets are reliably delish and so are the pancakes, but beware of occasionally burnt coffee and bricklike biscuits. 800 N. Fourth St., 215-925-1150
--JP

Best Place to Drink if You're a Deadhead Stuck in August 1995, the Month Jerry Died
Royal Gourmet is a deli, sort of. There's a hot buffet and salad bar. A sandwich counter and sit-down tables. But there's also a bar. A dimly lit, dozen-seater with cheap, cold beers and a wonderfully fucked-up collection of regulars. It is a shrine to Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead and kind of looks like the bar on M*A*S*H. A blond dude named Scott works the wood. Scott talks like Jeff Spicoli and will let you glance at his Phil Lesh autobiography while you have a couple of lagers and an egg salad sandwich. 1528 Sansom St., 215-561-6442
--MN

Best Wings (NE Division)
Grandpa warned me about eatin' chicken parts under a highway, down by the river, in the industrial part of town. But that doesn't stop me from dragging my friends to Curran´s Irish Inn for their Cajun wings. There's a lot of succulent meat on their bones, the seasoning is bold enough to deserve the Cajun name and the price isn't too rough-and-tumble (only $8.95 for 20). The only way to improve them is to pair them with an ice-cold beer. Even the mass-produced stuff works, as long as it's from the tap. Eat them at the bar, under the stamped tin ceiling and listen to the rumble of traffic on I-95. The more I think about it, the more I realize Grandpa didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Old State Rd. and Longshore Ave., 215-332-8892
--DS

Best Alternative to the Circus That Is Mugshots Coffeehouse on a Weekend Morning
Formerly Redhouse Bagels, Fairmount coffeehouse Cafe Mojoe is tasty, affordable, and, most importantly, calm -- in stark contrast to its Fairmount Avenue counterpart. Mugshots may have gotten too popular for its own good -- well, for our good. During prime hours, seats are virtually impossible to come by, and long lines impossible to avoid. Here's hoping this leads to some spillover to the little red coffeehouse that could. 2501 Olive St., 215-769-9828

Best Place to Have Coffee With a Biker After Your AA Meeting
Not long ago, the Coffee Connection was a wannabe boite with the ambience of a one-star diner. But thanks to some serendipitous combination of marketing, luck and sheer will, it's become a scene unto itself, drawing crowds of biker types and recovering souls who converge there after their AA meetings. On Thursdays and Saturdays, when live music is offered, crowds spill onto the sidewalk in a scene more akin to South Street than Northeast Philly. 6441 Frankford Ave., 215-331-5903

Biggest Loss
This past August, Bob Koch, proprietor of the famous hole-in-wall Koch's Deli in West Philadelphia, died of heart failure. He was 58. He was also quite possibly the coolest man in Philadelphia. He remembered every face, told tremendous jokes and always created a jovial atmosphere in his tiny deli, where the lines wrapped around themselves and out the door. You never saw anyone being rude or impatient in Koch's -- Bob's mood just wouldn't allow it. He will be sorely missed.
--DT