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There it was—Dec. 30. A psychologist on Fox News blabbing how NYEve resolutions 're no good. Resolutions are for "pussies." Maybe I'm paraphrasing. Maybe he said "dickwad hipster doofuses who listen to Deerhoof and wrap their scarves perfectly, snugly, around their neck." This doctor said, have goals—hard and fast, like a hockey puck in the stomach—instead. I could do that. Hit you with a puck. I lived in Southwest Philly. Pucks there—so prevalent. Goals, though—not so much. But what's left for me to achieve? Bliss? Money? Fame? Beauty? That black Dior Homme suit with the peaked lapels that makes me look like Interpol's manager only with better, albeit glamshaggier hair? I've got all those. Then it hit me. Walking down Broad Street Jan. 1, the Jaded Goddess in the Fancy Division from Golden Sunrise. The winner. A shocking, glittering Mummer … wait: It's my friend Jacky fucking Bam Bam, WYSP DJ/strip club howler. He's frigging luminous, beautiful even. And not in a Brokeback Mountain way. Suddenly I have a goal—to be luminous, inside and out. To truly glitter. And to find that color foundation Bam's wearing, the one with the sparkle. It was nice. My other goals are to finish reading Rick Santorum by Rick Santorum (seemed gripping until I got past the spine); complete the Photoshop on my Tom Knudsen blog: Gas Chamber; and sell off that painting I stole from Renamity's blueberry bash/ dry NYE debacle. Then I'm good. … What better way to celebrate Elvis' birthday than to avoid it: Jan. 8 is the first Dirty Dozen Sunday—celebrating Philly's 12 funkiest spinners—an ongoing Bawdy Girls series at the Walnut Room starring the likes of King Britt, Rich Medina, Cosmo Baker, Schooly D and this Sunday's introductory star, Jazzy Jeff. I've yet to be phoned about my slot. … Prepare for a miracle: an advance on eerie Shawn Kilroy's theatrical, sampladelic blaxploitative Thai Stick Dragon? www.myspace.com/thaistickdragon. … Who is lawyer/entrepreneur Bob Guzzardi and how's his rumored investment dollars at The Evening Bulletin readying them for world (OK, Narberth) domination? … Aging wigger/MC/comic Danny Ozark of Abilene Wednesday fame is in Vegas, working for the rap/porn company Game (www.hiphophoneys.com). But when he returns, he'll appropriate Bar Noir's second Monday comedy/spoken-word extravaganza. "I wanna bring the best comedians, poets and spoken types—A-listers, first-timers—together for an unmatched all-nighty party that rocks your mind and body." Hmmm. And he wants them all to share their sexual fantasies and adventures: "Straight, gay and fetish are all cool," says Ozark. … Scribe Hobart Rowland—who you liked until he left Philly Weekly for Creative Loafing and all points south—is back, ed-in-chiefing Main Line Today with wife, Kim, and baby, Sophie, in tow. … Remember Ice dropped word Philadelphia Casting Co.'s held auditions for a "garage-y band" for an H&R Block commercial and that Undergirl, Cordalene and Smash Palace showed at North Star and Khyber for their shot at tax-refund fame? After holding a final few under consideration for callbacks at The Khyber ("This Radiant Boy, Relay and Future Tips, amongst them," said PCC's Susan Gish), they chose—The Brakes?! "Those guys should get a good chunk of change with residuals," said Gish of the Narberth/Bala band. … When ex-Sweetie singer Melissa Paser entered one of her old songs, the electro-moody "Dying Leaves," into a VH1 Save the Music contest (judged by Norah Jones and Sheila E. amongst others) she expected little. Paser left the band to learn massage therapy while driving a school bus with daughter Lola in tow. ("John and Elise of Sweetie tried to exist without me—ha!—with another vocalist, but were not successful," jokes Paser). Lo 'n' behold, "Leaves" won the worldwide competition's electronic division. "It ends up like this: We miss working together and can't live without each other, so we're going to start writing and recording as Sweetie, but on my terms, meaning, I'm not playin'. I gots a family to feed!" … Filmmaker George Manney's www.geosound.org is dropping clips from his documentary

City of Brotherly Love: A Musical Journey. Not odd seeing jazz git-boxer Pat Martino talking about his first teacher Joe Sgro and first manager Jerry Blavat. It is hella weird seeing Kenny Gamble and the Phillie Phanatic recording Skip Denenberg's "Philly Cheese Steak." … Headphone classic? Field recordist/compubeat head Robot Rake (Doug Noe) not only drops his Robotrake CD this week. This half-man, half-machine co-stars with VJ Large Marge for "Video Killed the Radio Star," a storytelling/vid-art/karaoke/wigs/puppet/musical collage featuring the film Who the Shit Is Large Marge and DJ Spectrogram's Sonic Youth tribute. Wherezat? Other Green Line Cafe (4305 Locust) Jan. 7. … So sad: DJ Eddie Sittler, famous for his eight-year stint at Shampoo with Reenie Kane, died over the Christmas holiday. His friends and family remember him at Café Nola on Jan. 8—Bowie's birthday too. Eddie would have liked that.