1. Kick off the Live Arts/Philly Fringe festivals today by putting on your own performance. We're sure you can juggle, play the spoons, maybe soft-shoe. No? Well, then, buy your tickets now for HELL, a world premiere inspired by Dante's Inferno, Beethoven's Fifth and all sort of existential questions, from Dutch dance-theater collaborators Emio Greco and Pieter C. Scholten. Oh, and whatever Pig Iron has planned. You know you got burned last year for missing Pay Up, and had to listen to how great it was, how visionary, from everyone and their little sister. So why are you sitting here reading this? Buy the damn tickets already. Today-16, various locations, www.livearts-fringe.org. (LH)

2. Head far enough into the country that Cowtown Rodeo echoes in the distance, yet you're close enough to drive home each night if you just can't stand to camp, no matter how good the all-night picking. Big names like Marty Raybon and Bobby Osborne, plus Riders in the Sky (ask your kids!) are part of the most laid-back festival around, the 35th Annual Delaware Valley Bluegrass Festival. Through Sept. 3, $60/weekend, Salem County Fairground, Route 40, Woodstown, N.J., 302-475-3454, www.delawarevalleybluegrass.org. (MA)

Just in time for fall voting season, Ed Rendell and Lynn Swann go belly-to-belly for the top job in Pennsylvania.

3. The sketches on Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia only look good when they run those redneck blue-collar guys right before it, but Carlos Mencia's a pretty sharp standup. I mean, he's a race-baiting, close-minded dick, but he's funny. 8 p.m., $49.50-$59.50, Borgata Event Center, 1 Borgata Way, Atlantic City, N.J., www.gotickets.com. (PR)

4. September is traditionally play-out-the-string and see-what-the-kids-from-the-minors-can-do time for Phillies fans. Last season's final-day playoff elimination notwithstanding, September was a joy as the Fightins battled for a shot to continue their season. In fact, you may have completely overlooked the last Dollar Dog Day of the season. Don't miss your last chance to try to eat a dog an inning, only to crap out in the fifth. 3:05 p.m., Citizens Bank Park, One Citizens Bank Way, www.phillies.com. (BH)

5. It's the Tuesday after Labor Day. You probably drank your face off yesterday. See hangover tip from July 5. (DS)

6. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, everyone from Santana to Billy Joel, Led Zeppelin to Black Sabbath owes a big thank you to this year's Pennypack Park Music Festival lineup. The Sensational Soul Cruisers take to the band shell today. www.pennypackpark.com. (JP)

7. Eight years ago today, Google was founded. Put 'em to work and let them tell you what to do. (DS)

8. Florida's Sol'Illaquists Of Sound are gonna bring their funk-soul-smothered hip-hop to the church for a full band rap revival. This will be the sleeper hit show of the month. Or people will think they're too preachy. Either way. 8 p.m., $8, First Unitarian Church. (PR)

9. If luck be a lady, the dancing queens at Pousse Cafe are the luckiest bitches on the planet. This all-vag revue features hot femmes and butches shaking their shimmies for a roomful of party dykes. Men are welcome in the company of gals, especially if their names are George, Abraham, Alexander or Andrew. 9 p.m.-1 a.m., $5-$10, second Saturday of every month, 1734 Snyder Ave., 215-849-7444. (AH)

10. So you think a Gap gift certificate shows you care? The Japanese government bought the Tea House and Garden at Fairmount Park a face-lift in honor of the 1976 bicentennial. All so you could get cultured at events like today's traditional tea ceremony led by a local tea master. $10-$14, reservations required, Belmont Ave. and Montgomery Drive, www.shofuso.com. (JP)

11. Not every day in the Summer Fun Guide can scream "Spring Break—paaaaaaaaarty!!" Take a breather and join prolific scribe Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz for Words That Comfort, a workshop exploration of how terrorism and the tragedy of Sept. 11 affected the poetry community in New York City's Lower East Side. 5:30 p.m., Arts Cafe, Kelly Writers House, 3805 Locust Walk, 215-573-WRIT. (AH)

12. It would be easy to make jokes about New Agey psychic Sylvia Browne's gig at the Convention Center being some money-grabbing fake-ass sham taking advantage of the desperate, but you've heard all that before. As has she. In fact, she heard it before all of us. Time and price TBA. (PR)

13. This is the 10th anniversary of the death of Tupac Shakur. Will this be the day he admits he's still alive? Regardless, pay tribute by rolling down South Street blaring "Hit 'Em Up" from your Prius. (PR)

14. This is the 105th anniversary of the death of President William McKinley, who was shot by an assassin eight days previous. Does anybody remember this? No, they're all Tupac and shit. Pay tribute by playing one of McKinley's posthumous rap albums—I mean, gramophone recordings. And by "rap" I mean "speeches." (DS)

15. Some shore towns really know how to draw people in during the nontraditional season: with an event like Sea Isle City's Fall Family Festival Weekend. The fun kicks off on Friday with a dance contest. Look closely, and you might find the Boss with the Hot Sauce, who has a second (or third) DJ-ing home down here. A seaside market and nighttime laser show follow on Saturday, with a sand-sculpting contest and antique auto show rounding out the weekend. www.seaislecity.org. (H)

16. When Joseph Ryerss, a descendant of an original settler who sailed here with Billy Penn, needed a summer getaway, he built an opulent retreat near Burholme in the Northeast. The home, now a free museum and library, hosts a flea market and used book sale today. Don't forget to check out the pet cemetery. 8 a.m.-2 p.m., free, 7370 Central Ave., 215-685-0544, www.ryerssmuseum.org. (JP)

17. Sure, it's already the second game of the Eagles season, and they may be 0-1, but today, you can do something better than sit at home or on a bar stool watching the Birds' D try to stop superstar-in-the-making Reggie Bush—like you should have been doing one week earlier. Meet the Eagles when they return home to hopefully begin their march past mediocrity. Eagles vs. New York Giants, 1 p.m., Lincoln Financial Field, and find a scalper, they'll be sold out. www.philadelphiaeagles.com. (H)

18. These last lingering days of summer are sometimes the most brutal. Your brain is thinking fall but the thermometer is still all August. You need to cool down. Take a foot tour of Philadelphia's public fountains. I don't mean that you should do it on foot—too hot for that. What I mean is that you should stick your feet in all of them. Start out at Love Park, head up to Logan Square and then on up to Eakins Oval and hit that George Washington one with like the freaking buffalo and moose or whatever and then right to the steps of the Art Museum. Think of the Parkway as your runway. From there, hit the Horses fountain on Kelly Drive, the Penn University Museum, the little jawn in Fitler Square, Duck Girl and that bitty pool-looking thing in Rittenhouse Square, the little guy on the southwest corner of the City Hall apron, the triangle at Passyunk and Tasker, that stone nipple thing at Headhouse Square, the pools at Penns Landing and that big spraying thing in the middle of Society Hill Towers. This town is crawling with fountains. Hit www.philart.net, search for fountains, and soak those nasty hooves. (BH)

19. If you don't want to be branded a küstenschiffer—a sailor who's petrified of the high seas—you should make your way down to the Grey Lodge Pub, put on an eye patch, suck down some Belgian beers and brace yourself for the number one pirate pick-up line, "Prepare to be boarded!" It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day, yet another excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday. 6235 Frankford Ave. (DF)

International Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19th

20. On this day in 1737, Philadelphia-born Edward Marshall was the ultimate survivor in one of the magnificent swindles perpetrated by whitey on Native Americans. One of three colonials who took part in the dubious Walking Purchase—an "agreement" with the Lenni Lenape tribe wherein any land traversed over one and one half days of "walking" (the Lenape claimed the participants were running) would belong to governor James Logan and Billy Penn's sons John and Thomas. Though the 22-year-old Marshall, power-walking with his trusty axe, handily outlasted James Yates and Solomon Jennings, securing prime hunting grounds for the Penns and Logan, he was, fittingly, never given the 500 acres promised to the winner. So today, celebrate Edward Marshall Day by running somewhere, anywhere. At some point stop, throw your axe into the ground, and reclaim the land for the Lenni Lenape. (BH)

21. It's almost fall, so you'll probably be looking for a way to make yourself feel better. And what better way to do just that than seeing the local nine beat up on those lovable losers who haven't won a World Series since 1908? But before you get all high-and-mighty, superguy, remember that the Cubbies have won more titles than your historically pitiful squad. Phillies vs. Chicago Cubs, 7:05 p.m., Citizens Bank Park, www.philadelphiaphillies.com. (H)