Lust & Abstinence

Nightlife

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Published: Nov 1, 2006

THE ONLY DOWN-TO-EARTH OLD CITY BAR THAT DOESN'T BEGIN WITH A "K" AND END WITH AN "HYBER"

Does Johnny Cash wall art automatically make a bar rockabilly? Not really. But God bless A Bar Named Sue : The drinks are cheap, the peanuts are plentiful and, with the hellmouth that is Mad River right down the street, there's a refreshing lack of loud-ass frattykins. Reason enough to sidle up: incredibly jovial barkeep John McCarron, who's a hilarious, far less insecure version of Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World. (33 S. Third St., 215-873-0222) —Drew Lazor

MOST UNDERGROUND PERFORMANCE SPACE IN THE ITALIAN MARKET

Frankie Brown has taken one of his dad's South Ninth Street buildings and designated it a school — or so says a license on the wall. Connie's Ric Rack 's first show was in May. Seventy people crammed into the narrow space. "Our plan is to be a scene like Arlene's Grocery," explains Brown, whose improv group, The Ninjas, has shows booked. Late-night poker games go on there, too. "But there's never really a party here. It's just us hanging out." (1132 S. 9th St.) —Alex Richmond

Lust & Abstinence

Illustration : Evan M. Lopez

BEST HANGOUT FOR GAY PARROTHEADS

Upstairs is a quaint inn, but the street-level bar at Uncles resembles an overly social, north-of-the-Mason Dixon take on Key West. Palm trees and a flashy tropical garland welcome clients who, having gotten over the club scene, still don't want to leave their stool in Margaritaville. (1220 Locust St., 215-546-6660) —Lou Perseghin

MOST REVOLTING HIPSTER DRINK

We thought about finding the bartender who spawned this monster, but then we realized the disgusting blend of vodka and Vitaminwater had to be purely accidental. That, or Vitaminwater's promotional guy just happened to be a DJ that just happened to spin all over town. (John Redden, we're looking at you.) Allegedly healthier than OJ and tasty enough on its own, the liquid of choice for the hipsterati's collective bloodstream met cheap vodka, and a repulsive drink trend was born. Then pushed mightily by he who shall not be named. (John Redden, ahem.) —Kelly White

BEST LIVE SHOW INVOLVING FEATHERS, MAKEOUT SESSIONS AND ACCORDIONS

Sure, it was hip for the Mummers Museum to open its doors to a show that wasn't Ferko doing "Proud Mary." But Diplo's Bonde do Role/CSSproduction not only showed off the DJs' Mad Decent finds in Brazil's BdR; Marina, their spitfire MC, rapped in front of Dip's Kraftwerk and Gn'R samples while drinking pitchers of beer, spitting on us and losing her terrycloth shorts in the process. —A.D. Amorosi

BEST SENIOR CITIZEN STREET HUSTLE

Remember the golden days when a prospective date would write his digits on a piece of paper? Apparently no one told the Old City Pencil Man that cell phones are the new thing. Armed with one crutch and a charismatic toothless smile, OCPM sells pencils and erasers on any given Friday or Saturday night. And, if you're a pretty lady, he'll even sharpen your pencil for free. —Deesha Dyer

MOST LEAST MISSED SOUTH STREET ROCK CLUB

When Abilene shut down, local bands lost a supportive venue and hipsters a place to sneer at. Soundwoman Jackie O. worked there for seven months and still misses it: "There were hopes that we would reopen. I remember the first night of Shove Fest, July 6, Fat City Reprise came over ... hoping to get their equipment out." But the doors were locked, plastered with a sign that said $37,000 was owed in back rent. —Alex Richmond

SEXIEST STOP FOR BLUSHING BRIDES AND MISSIONARY TYPES

It's like Victoria's Secret meets Spencer's Gifts meets the Sex and Relationships aisle at Barnes & Noble. You can't get more vanilla than The Mood . Far from intimidating, it's the kinda place you can shop for chocolate body paint and flavored condoms without feeling like a total skeezeball. There's a seedy little porn section in the back, but sexophobes and those in search of bachelor/bachelorette gag gifts can stick to the penis pasta and hunk playing cards up front. (531 South St., 215-413-1930) —Ashlea Halpern

SEXIEST STOP FOR EXTREME FETISHISTS AND HARDCORE SEX FIENDS

Speculums, anal plugs, chastity belts, rabbit floggers, urethral dilators, acrylic dillies, sex swings and steel suspension bars — those who like it rough know you can't get any rawer than Kali Morgan's Passional . Upstairs houses the Aphrodite Gallery, a rotating collection of provocative art and photography, as well as the headquarters for Passional Magazine. And if you're looking to explore a particular topic in depth, Passional's near-weekly Fantasy Workshops offer straightforward talk on a bounty of sexual topics (torture ties, vaginal fisting, sensory deprivation, etc.). Not for the faint in bed. (704 S. Fifth St., 215-829-4986, www.passional.net) —Ashlea Halpern

BEST BAR FOR WEARING CHAPS WHILE SINGING "I FEEL PRETTY"

After downing one of this dungeon's notoriously butch mugs of beer, even the most timid bear will find himself crooning at The Bike Stop 's Sunday night karaoke. Led by Mordecai Diamant's Entertainment by Mordecai, the Ren Faire version of Colin Farrell, you'll likely see even the biggest, hairiest leather daddy pay homage to Miss Julie Andrews. (206 S. Quince St., 215-627-1662, www.thebikestop.com) —Natalie Hope McDonald

THE JIM CROW AWARD

Back when Tiki Bob's started enforcing its authoritarian clothing policy, both the ill-dressed and too-cool-for-Tiki peeps went apeshit. Then chi-chi bowling chain Lucky Strike Lanes imposed a similarly strict dress code that stirred up controversy among excessively baggy Lebowskis. In the case of racism, classism or shunning those with no fashion sense, Strike makes its position clear: They're aiming for an upscale clientele, sensitive feelings and turkeys be damned. (1336 Chestnut St., 215-545-2471, www.bowlluckystrike.com) —Kelly White

BEST WEST PHILLY DIY VENUE

For a year now, shows at Danger Danger House have been the best, and the most fun. But don't call it a party house — it's a serious music haunt. "We most love how every band that plays or comes through says this is their best show [they've] had all tour, even bands from California that have had 45 shows on the way here," says Badmaster Records boss and D.D. booker John Emory. (900 S. 47th St., www.myspace.com/dangerdangerhouse) —Alex Richmond

BIGGEST LOSS TO MUSIC NERDS, NON-SPACEBOY DIVISION

Bethany Klein and Butch Sweaters' long-running Pop Quiz finally played its last cassette of 30-second song snippets this year, when Klein got her doctorate and moved to England for a university gig. Pop Quiz had a noteworthy relationship with this paper, due to a certain group of editors, writers and their friends, who, wouldn't you know, had a handy talent for walking out with all the prize money. A word to all and sundry: It was worth it, bitches. —Michael Pelusi

DJ NIGHT THAT WILL USURP THE DRIZ HORSE THRONE

Julie G. and Andrew Jeffrey Wright, eat your hearts out — the reign of Broadzilla has cometh. Out of nowhere, the Philly-by-way-of-Haverford collective has stormed the city and taken over Thursday nights Upstairs at Sal's. It's an arm-flailing, sweat-dripping, indie spazzfest with cheap drink specials ($1 PBR, $2 lager, $3 Sparks). You'll probably see all the same people you don't want to see, but at least there's more than one bathroom to hide out in. (200 S. 12th St., 215-731-9930) —James Saul

BEST REASON TO START WATCHING THE L WORD FOR FASHION TIPS

Sisters isn't the only place where girls who like girls go to grind. Elevate and Emerge alums Tracy Buchholz and Stacey Vey's Pink and Red parties at TPDS attract the most glammed-out lesbians in the tri-state area. But that doesn't mean gay boys, bisexuals and straight friends won't enjoy the rotating DJs and dancing at the holiday blowout on Dec. 9. Just don't forget your skinny ties, ladies. (114 S. 12th St., 215-873-0400, www.tpds.com) —Natalie Hope McDonald

MOST MISSED PARTYGOER

I miss a lot of people who used to go out. But none had quite the goofball zest for the nightlife that society columnist Brian Rochford did. The plainspoken real estate guy turned party animal made party crashing a vocation, writing first for Philadelphia Independent, and then for the Evening Bulletin. It could be a tony soiree at the Union League or a dirty pub opening — he had the same enthusiasm for one very essential thing: The drinks are free and I'm writing about 'em. —A.D. Amorosi

HARDEST WORKIN' DRAG QUEEN

It was a stint with The Rocky Horror Picture Show that ultimately brought the world Brittany Lynn , aka Ian Morrison. This "vaginally challenged" 7-foot-tall dreamgal in falsies and a wig is mad busy hiring out members of her Drag Mafia, singing like a banshee at various nightclubs around the city and making guest appearances anywhere that'll have her. (www.justlypservice.com) —Megan M. Erwin

MOST DESERVING HEIR TO THE CKS THRONE

'Twas a sad night in Swingerville when the party dicks at L&I yanked the plug on Club Kama Sutra. Ever since, horny suburbanites and hard-up dommes have been searching high and low for the next best taco fest. Whenever people ask my advice on where to go hobnobbing and hobby-horsin' in a group-ish setting, I send them scurryin' on up Passyunk to the Pleasure Garden , run by the mysterious Madam X. The joint is part tiki bar and part Vegas whorehouse. Without the whores, of course. (www.thepleasuregardenclub.com) —Ashlea Halpern

BEST SUNDAY PARTY HOST

DJ Lee Jones has always spun the holy grail of house, but he runs the tables hardest every Sunday for Bubble House's afternoon delight, "Sundae." Here, children and progressive (house) adults groove with Jones and DJ-dads like King Britt. Then Jones heads to Swanky Bubbles in Old City, where he gets vicious and the room gets sexier. That means single parents can get their kid on by day and their game on by night. (Bubble House, 3404 Sansom St., 215-243-0804, 3-9 p.m.; Swanky Bubbles, 10 S. Front St., 215-928-1200, 10 p.m.-2 a.m.) —A.D. Amorosi

BEST RESOURCE FOR OBSCURE FLIERS

It's the first thing you notice when you walk into AKA Music — stacks upon stacks of overlapping posters and errant fliers for DJ nights, rap shows, gallery openings, burlesque revues and countless other whathaveyous. It takes a will of steel to pass up free copies of Vice, Arthur and neon memos galore. (27 N. Second St., 215-922-3855) —Kelly White

BEST BAR FOR READING

If you drink to make the people you're talking to seem more interesting, you can sit at the bar. If your novel is interesting enough, and you just want to be left alone, the upstairs back room at Tattooed Mom has ample lighting and perfect seating. (530 South St., 215-238-9880) —M.J. Fine

MOST VOYEURISTIC BATHROOM

Ever want to know what people are really like behind closed doors? At the Continental Mid-town , the two-way mirrors in the bathrooms can feed all your voyeuristic fantasies. Guys can watch their girlfriends throw up the expensive dinner they just paid for, and gals can find out if their men really are just filthy pigs in Armani suits. No one will see you in the most private of restroom acts, but everything else is up for the skewering. (1801 Chestnut St., 215-567-1800) —Termeh Mazhari

FOULEST SMELL IN ALL OF PHILADELPHIA

Pretend Old City is a mixing bowl. Add vomit, shit, cheap beer, cheap vodka, cranberry juice, used condoms, crushed-up earthworms, rotten meat, wet garbage, underdressed Jersey girls and hella-greasy Wharton grads. Shake well. Pour evenly down Strawberry, Market, Second and Chestnut streets. Bring to a boil over a low heat (the early morning sun works well) until the puddle rot films over like cooked milk. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. —Ashlea Halpern

GREATEST RISK IN GENTRIFICATION GONE-WRONG (AKA THE MEGA-NUISANCE AWARD)

There is a split in the West Philly neighborhood about the impending Dock Street Brewery . Church folks see the brewpub and pizzeria planned for the ground floor of the old firehouse at 50th and Baltimore as a near occasion of sin. Beer fans, on the other hand, look forward to quality craft brewing, and continue to try to convince the saints that a growler of IPA is well beyond the budget of the 40-drinking crew. —Mary Armstrong

 

NIGHT WATCH: The two-way mirror in the restrooms at Stephan Starr's Continental Mid-town leave little to the imagination. Michael M. Koehler

BEST MONDAY NIGHT MUSIC SCENE

Four rules: Don't call it a "jam session." Or an "open-mic night." Don't expect to hear vocals. And don't hold Marmont's swanky Old City location against the band. Do all that, and you're bound to enjoy The Mini Q's ' Monday night blend of improvised funk, soul, blues and rock. (222 Market St., 215-923-1100, www.marmont.net) —Jenna Portnoy

LAMEST WAY TO EXPRESS YOUR MACHOISTIC TENDENCIES

Hey, jackasses! Yeah, you on the big, macho Harleys! You think just 'cause you circle Old City 2,948 times, running reds and revving your big, scary engines that I'm gonna cream my jeans for your big, fat cocks? Bikers stopped being hot in the '80s. Buy a muffler, lose the fuckin' bandana and act your age. —Ashlea Halpern

TOP EXCUSE TO LISTEN TO NEW WAVE

WXPN's Robert Drake dusts off his Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Tears for Fears vinyl the last Friday of each month (7-11 p.m.) for "Land of the Lost." Throw on your thinnest necktie and swirl your Flock of Seagulls 'do — you know we love the '80s. (www.xpn.org) —Amy Strauss

CREEPIEST STALKER BLOG WE WISH WE COULD STILL CHECK

Oh Agnewbian, we hardly knew ye. From instituting red-light alerts when Sean Agnew got his hair cut to posting reader-submitted camera phone shots of the R5 Productions founder in Staples, SeanSpotter made DIY stalking the highlight of our woefully non-DIY workdays. We know you quit because Agnew found you out and started responding in the comments section. (So meta!) —Drew Lazor

BEST GAY DISCO NIGHT THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SUCKING COCK

Key West is my favorite old-school room in the city. Old decks. Old light fixtures. Old men. But on monthly Thursdays at ye old Key, Reagan Disco Headache DJ Ron Morelli and Mike Trombley get Paradise Garage on your ass with their Larry Levan tribute night. That means Talking Heads and Lene Lovich, First Choice's "Let No Man Put Asunder," and some serious sal-soul and Italian disco to go with its big heaping helpings of electro. (207 S. Juniper St., 215 545-1578) —A.D. Amorosi

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