The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Councilman James Kenney encourages Street to reconsider plan for "311" non-emergency call center. Hopefully this will prevent widespread panic in the case of a string cheese incident or a deep banana blackout. Plus 3

Community College of Philadelphia begins selling gift certificates good for tuition and school fees. Also valid at Fashion Bug, Piercing Pagoda and Drexel University. Plus 1

Citizen crimefighter Joe Mammana arrested on suspicion of tax evasion, mail and wire fraud. Pledges reward to anyone who can help "find the real tax evaders and mail and wire fraudulators." Minus 1

NAACP leader Jerry Mondesire blasts Bob Brady for betraying "the legacy of racial harmony that he promised a decade ago." Brady insists he only bought the Seinfeld Season 7 DVDs because he "loves that crazy Soup Nazi." Minus 3

Delaware River longshoremen enraged by study that values recreational rather than practical uses of the waterfront. "We've all read this study and find it quite preposterous that such picayune considerations as access and amusements get such high regard," says one longshoreman. "Furthermore, might I recommend that you take this croquet mallet and shove it all the fucking way up your fucking asses. To wit: fuck you very much. Motherfuckers." Even

Police make arrest in Northeast Wal-Mart robbery, where two men stole more than $300K. "Thank goodness," says Alice Walton, "I've got that money earmarked for a certain oversized clothespin." Plus 1

Sly Stallone targeting Christian audiences with marketing for Rocky Balboa. "Sweet Jeebus," says Cardinal Rigali. "Even Christ knew when to stay down." Even

Total Pluses: 5
Total Minuses: 4
This Week's Total: 1
Last Week's Total: 8