Meatless Jerky

Fake That!

by James Saul

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Published: Aug 28, 2007

Yee haw! Stonewall's tender soy chunks ignite the palate with intense, spicy flavor, a kick that jives rather well with the smug cowboy mascot on the company's packaging. Each generous portion of "jerquee" packs a whopping 14 grams of protein per serving, so you can tell those carnivo-obsessed relatives of yours to take their well-balanced food pyramid and shove it.

The best alternative to the Slim Jim is Primal Spirit Foods' Primal Stick Pepperoni, made from soy protein instead of terrifying "mechanically separated chicken." Each giant stick is chock-full of smoky pepperoni flavor and spices, without all the greasy fallout. We're not sure if there are any vegan pro wrestlers out there, but if so, they should channel their 'roid rage into becoming Primal Stick spokesmen a la Macho Man Randy Savage.

Each succulent morsel of Hot & Spicy Primal Strips is like tearing into fresh meat, rabid velociraptor style. The spiciest of all six Primal Strip varieties is a real shocker for the taste buds — it's hard to believe such extreme spiciness, juiciness and flavor comes from a shiitake mushroom base. Keep the water close by; this one's a real scorcher.

Although it looks like a congealed mass of discolored pepperoni, Tofurkey Jurky lasts long, with flavorful bursts of cracked pepper popping off at the finish. It's the kind of snack you would expect hippies to be all about, what with its rough texture and health food sensibility. Bring it to Granola Mountain for the shakedown.

Though Tasty Eats' Sugar-Free Tandoori Chick'n is lauded as one of the most realistic jerkies on the market, it's a little too dry for our tastes. The giant chunks of soy protein have little flavor until they've spent some quality time in your mouth. Some may call it savory, but it can be frustrating for those seeking instant gratification.

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