City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Ed Rendell promises to veto any state legislation that would weaken Philadelphia's smoking ban. "Have you been to Delilah's since the ban?" he asks. "It's like the nipples are in hi-def." Plus 2

Investigators claim a nondescript office building on Bainbridge Street is the epicenter of a mafia-connected fraud ring. "How'd they find us?" exclaims mobster Vinny "Shunk Street" Tartuffo. "I set us up further north than anybody in my family has ever journeyed." Minus 3

What Goes On

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Identity thieves "Bonnie and Clyde" Jocelyn Kirsch and Edward Anderton sign federal plea agreements. "Wait a minute," says prosecutor. "They both signed it 'Regina Medina.' Those crazy kids!" Even

Pregnant horse runs loose in Germantown. "Has anybody seen that son of a bitch Barbaro?" asks horse. "Fuckin' deadbeat." Plus 2

EarthLink's Wireless Philadelphia to shut down permanently in June. "It'll be a tricky maneuver," says spokesman, "since we first have to get it turned on." Plus 4

Philly car wash franchise Car Care indicted on large-scale immigration and identity theft charges. "I knew something was up," says INS agent, "when we found all those Haitian boat children with new car scent." Minus 2

Team of thieving women caught stealing in Willow Grove banned from malls statewide. You know, jail is like being banned from everywhere. Plus 1

Joe Frazier puts his North Philly gym on the market for $2.4 million. "I need the cash to settle out of court for the lawsuit I brought against myself." Even

Publisher of Doi Moi, a Vietnamese circular, accused of communist sympathies by publisher of rival weekly Viet My. In related news, Public Record accuses The Metro of watching Scrubs. Even

Total Pluses: 9

Total Minuses: 5

This Week's Total: 4

Last Week's Total: 14