Ultimate Summer Fun Guide: August

Something awesome to do each and every day of the summer.

It's been a full year since Boy George last got into trouble with the law, which is cause for celebration. When he hits the Keswick tonight — on his first solo tour of the States in a decade — do not ask him about his arrest last April for allegedly chaining a man to a wall. Do dance yourself silly when he plays "Karma Chameleon" and "I'll Tumble 4 Ya." 'Cause you never know when Boy will be back in town. 8 p.m., $49.50, Keswick Theatre, 291 N. Keswick Ave., Glenside, 215-572-7650, keswicktheatre.com. —TF

Upstart Mauckingbird Theatre Co., producing gay-themed plays like their inaugural all-male version of The Misanthrope, fills Philly's August theater void with Joe Calarco's Shakespeare's R & J, about four prep school lads rehearsing the romantic tragedy. Through Aug. 24, The Adrienne, 2030 Sansom St., 215-923-8909, mauckingbirdtheatreco.org. —MC

According to Wikipedia, this is the 2,000th anniversary of Tiberius' victory over the Dalmatians. There's not a lot of information on the Web about this alleged event, so I can only take it at face value: A Roman general declared war on a herd of firedogs and won. To celebrate the occasion, get on Wikipedia and start correcting all the entries you come across that are either wrong or incomplete. What, you thought I was going to tell you to run around town punching the spots off dogs? That's sick. You're sick. —PR

We don't remember doing anything remotely cool during summer camp — unless you count making bracelets out of gimp. That said, way-awesomer-than-gimp Girls Rock Philly Camp, which begins on this date and ends with a performance on Sat., Aug. 9, needs volunteers for everything from band coach to head roadie, plus plenty of camp counselors. Deadline to apply is May 31. Girard College, 215-789-4879, girlsrockphilly.org. —CH

Stitch n' Pitch — an event where ladies come to the ballpark en masse with their needlecraft projects — probably ranks right up there with finding tampons in the medicine cabinet on Pat Burrell's worst nightmare list. But the hunkalicious left fielder had better get used to it because a) he's recently engaged, and b) Stitch n' Pitch is part of Motrin IB Ladies Night at Citizens Bank Park. There'll be massages and drink specials and probably lots of giggling. Hang in there, Pat. 7:05 p.m., Citizens Bank Park, phillies.com. —BH

Once in a while, we like us some Jersey girls. At the Miss Crustacean Hermit Crab Beauty Pageant, lovely shelled ladies will walk it off on Ocean City's beach for a delicious Cucumber Rind Cup. Don't have the prettiest pet? A hermit crab race will follow. 1 p.m., free, Sixth Street Beach, Ocean City, N.J., 609-525-9300, oceancitychamber.com. —MW

OK, now, the Jersey girls who show up for the Wildwood Delia's sale are a different story, but anything for a half-price sundress. The warehouse-style shitshow of a clearance sale takes over the Convention Center's ballroom for a week. Today is your last chance to pillage the aisles upon aisles of hoodies you might be too old for but can't deny your bratty inner 15-year-old. 9 a.m.-8 p.m., Wildwoods Convention Center, 4501 Boardwalk, Wildwood, N.J., 609-729-9000, wildwoodsnj.com. —MW

Oooh, drama camp. Whoever thought cramming 60 kids, ages 6-16, into the Wilma's limited rehearsal and performance space during the dead heat of summer was a good idea must have been bat-shit crazy. OK, it was me. My apologies to the Wilma's current education director. Somehow still going strong in its eighth summer, you can join Camp Wilma campers for their final performance as they take a tour of ancient Greece. Unlike ancient Greece, it's air-conditioned, sort of, in there. 2 p.m., free, Wilma Theater, 265 S. Broad St., 215-893-9456, wilmatheater.org. —CV

Today is Smokey Bear's 64th birthday. Honor the old guy by volunteering with Friends of the Wissahickon, who know all too well that only we can prevent forest fires. And litter. And also out-of-control dandelions. 9 a.m.-2 p.m., free, Wissahickon Park, 215-247-0417, fow.org. —CH

Still-gravelly John Fogerty closes out the 10th and final day of this year's Musikfest with a paid show, but arrive early to soak up a day of free entertainment on a dozen stages scattered through the historical area. At press time the schedule is still sketchy, save the Alex Meixner Band. Meixner has recorded straight polkas, but his accordion is also the driving force behind the band Polka Freak Out, so expect a heady hybrid. Aug 1-10, Downtown Bethlehem, 610-332-1300, musikfest.org/lineup/2008.asp. —MA

Right about now you'll be looking to do a little reverse hibernation someplace cool and damp, which is exactly how we remember the otherworldly Fernery at the Morris Arboretum. The mosses that coexist with rare ferns from around the world beg to be touched, though you'd probably get your hand smacked. This specialized type of glasshouse is a rare vestige of Victoriana. The Morris Arboretum, 100 E. Northwestern Ave., 215-247-5777, upenn.edu/arboretum. —MA

The odds against getting hit by a stray rock from the perseid meteor shower are pretty good; something like 182,138,880,000,000 to 1, if you believe U.K. scientists and/or Google. It's about as likely as hearing a different group of nerdy Britons play "Creep" the same night, but the lawn seats at the Susquehanna Bank Center should provide a stunning view of both Radiohead and the falling stars. 7:30 p.m., $39.75-$59.75, 1 Harbour Blvd., Camden, N.J., livenation.com. —JV

Parents in town? No problem. Take 'em to the Mann, truly a sweet outdoor venue, for a night of Peter Nero and the Philly Pops doing "An Evening of Gershwin" with singers Leonard Rowe and Alyson Cambridge. Show the family you've got some class. 8 p.m., $20-$70, Mann Center for the Performing Arts, 5201 Parkside Ave., 215-893-1999. —LH

Party over here! Veteran DJ crews Skratch Makaniks and Ill Vibe Collective have joined forces for the Ill Makaniks monthly club event, to run the second Thursday of every month. You have a choice of dancing to some bangin' music, sipping on a cheap drink or playing the chill role by holding up the wall with your funky ass back sweat. 9 p.m, no cover, Barbary, Frankford and Delaware avenues, 215hiphop.com. —DD

Every once in a while, the Philadelphia Folk Festival likes to switch things up. Not content to reserve Friday afternoons for showcasing emerging talent, they've booked big names like bluegrass legends JD Crowe and the New South; the Lee Boys' sacred steel; and amazing jazz ukulele played by Jake Shimabukuro. Local faves Ben Arnold and John Francis also take the stage. Through Aug. 17, Philadelphia Folk Festival, Old Poole Farm, 1323 Salford Station Road, Schwenksville, 800-556-FOLK, pfs.org/PFF.php. —MA

For those of you still mourning the loss of Minar Palace or who refuse to spend five hours in your sweltering August kitchen whipping up an authentic Indian feast, check out the Festival of India at Penn's Landing. A day full of food, music and dancing? What could be wrong with that? Noon to 8 p.m., Great Plaza, Penn's Landing, pennslandingcorp.com. —CV

When legendary American comedic director Mike Nichols teamed up with one of Britain's wittiest comic troupes for Monty Python's Spamalot, the result was Tony Award-winning gold. No, Philly won't have the wispy Clay Aiken serenading us in the role of Sir Robin, but we're sure the killer rabbits and Broadway spoofs will more than compensate. Through Aug. 31, 7:30 p.m., $30-$138, Kimmel Center, 300 S. Broad St., 215-893-1999, kimmelcenter.org. —LH

It's Bad Poetry Day! How do I know this? Because some Web site says so. So. Write some dreadful verse when you get to work and e-mail it to a few friends. At the end of your e-mail, draft someone as the next bard. If your friends are game, your inbox will fill up with awful couplets, limericks and haikus from your nearest and dearest. Stay on your toes, because your own name could come back around any time. wellcat.com/august/bad_poetry_day.htm. —MH

Tuesdays are Flying Fish and Chips nights at the Artful Dodger. The Headhouse boite gives one complimentary beer from Cherry Hill's Flying Fish with each order of fish and chips. You buy fish and chips and get a beer ... for free. Now who doesn't want free beer with fish and chips? 400-402 S. Second St., artfuldodgerphilly.com, flyingfish.com. —BH

Philadelphia may have a wealth of museums, but to get up real close you either have to not know any better or act like it. And angry docents are always waiting in the wings to make the big tackle. The Rosenbach Museum & Library, though, has taken a page from the Please Touch playbook, offering a hands-on Wild West tour of books from their Americana collection. Third Wednesday of the month, 3 p.m., $10, 2008-2010 Delancey Place, 215-732-1600, rosenbach.org. —JB

Test your skills in the kitchen with a good old fashioned farmers market potluck. Invite three people over, but have each of them pick up one item at the Clark Park Farmers Market first. Don't let them collaborate on their choices — the selections should be random. (Though it couldn't hurt if they did their homework; direct them to City Paper's Farmers Market Guide, May 8, 2008.) Your job: Take all three ingredients and make it work. Have plenty of beer and wine on hand, just in case the entrée doesn't pan out. Clark Park Farmers Market, Thursdays, 3-7 p.m.; Saturdays, 10 a.m.-2 p.m.; 43rd Street and Baltimore Avenue. —MH

Watch the Eagles vs. Patriots preseason game the way cheating bastard Bill Belichick likes to watch other teams practice: on TV. 7:30 p.m., ETN/6ABC. —BH

Having plucked disgusting chunks of dirt, gravel and mulch out of my husband's forearms after an ill-conceived father-in-law/son-in-law bonding outing (for the record, the hubby's a decent road cyclist and the father-in-law, who hadn't been on a bike in 20 years, was fine), I'd recommend REI's Intro to Mountain Biking. 9 a.m., $55 (women only), 200 W. Ridge Pike, Conshohocken, 610-940-0809, rei.com/stores/37. —CV

I did the Lake Nockamixon Century ride last year — well, I did 75 miles of it — and it was great. It also damned near killed me. It was gorgeous; there's a lot of scenery to chew up in Bucks County. But oh my, it's hilly. And there's a separate ICU (Intensive Climbing Unit) route for Richard Virenque wannabes. But I survived the ride. I almost didn't survive the drive home. I took a wrong turn and ended up taking Roosevelt Boulevard all the way into Philly in gridlock, a bike on the back of my car and having to pee really badly from the sports drink they pumped me full of. Two weeks later I got a ticket from a red-light camera — a red light that if I ran, I ran crawling at 10 miles per hour. Definitely do this ride! Central Bucks South High School, 1100 Folly Road, Warrington, suburbancyclists.org/lakenock.asp. —BH

All too often bikes turn boys into uber-competitive meatheads. Which is why lots of girls hate riding with us. Enter Sturdy Girl Cycling, a local outfit dedicated to getting girls to love biking with the motto: "Eliminate the Fear. Embrace the Power. Love the Bike." The Sturdy Girls do weekly Monday base rides (10 miles at 13-14 mph or 27 miles at 15 mph) during the summer, and this, the last one of this summer, features free water ice. Mondays, 5:45 p.m. or 6 p.m., meet at the Italian Fountain behind the Art Museum, sturdygirlcycling.com. —BH

Try to understand, all you have to do is shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt and head over the Ben Franklin Bridge. We know, it goes on and on and on and on, and there is a toll. But it's worth it. Don't stop believing. (Translation: Go see Journey with Heart and Cheap Trick. ) 7 p.m., $27.50-$125, Susquehanna Bank Center, 1 Harbour Blvd., Camden, N.J., livenation.com. —CH

Did you know those telegenic Jonas Brothers kids are from New Jersey? And that they went to a Christian high school? And that someday after the Miley/Hannah axis of evil is done and their power-pop reign is finished that Joe, Kevin and Nick will turn out to be like the Menendez Brothers and kill their parents? Just saying. 7 p.m., $25-$80.75, Susquehanna Bank Center, 1 Harbour Blvd., Camden, N.J., livenation.com. —ADA

It's the last day of the Democratic National Convention, and how better to celebrate the party-rallying speech our nominee (whoever that is) will deliver than with a talking points drinking game? Gather some friends 'round a radio or television and do the following: Take one shot every time the nominee says "change," two shots every time Republicans are ridiculed, and three shots every time the camera cuts to show Gov. Ed Rendell enjoying the buffet. demconvention.com. —TN

Close your summer in country style with the first day of the Delaware Valley Bluegrass Festival. In addition to being one of the friendliest, lowest-stress fests around, they always have nothing but top-notch talent. The Red Stick Ramblers play everything from cajun to western swing. Dan Paisley is carrying on the family bluegrass tradition with a new CD expected to win all the awards this year at IBMA — and he's from the area, so holler loud for him. Through Aug. 31, Salem County Fairgrounds, Route 40, Woodstown, N.J., brandywinefriends.org/dvbgf. —MA

If you caught 1812 Productions' Suburban Love Songs this spring, you know all about this cast of uptight-until-martinis '60s swingers who twisted their way through hilarious sexual encounters. Live Arts' Disco Descending follows the characters into the '70s in a mythology-themed comic actors' ballet, which debuts ahead of Fringe's official start date. This means you'll have to pay only $25 to see Karen Getz in go-go boots. And possibly a toga. Through Sept. 7, livearts-fringe.org. —CH

The Live Arts/Fringe kickoff party at the Cabaret is always a good beer-soaked bet, but check out the festival's snazzy new Web site ASAP. Tickets to Live Arts shows are already on sale. You now officially have no excuse. Runs Aug. 31-Sept. 13, livearts-fringe.org. —LH