Guitar Hero

Henry Owings lays down the rules.

by A.D. Amorosi

(CLICK IMAGE FOR LARGER VERSION)

Henry Owings has run and ruled his Georgia-based mag, Chunklet, with a ham 'n' iron fist since 1993. Mere mortals tremble at his caustic humored sensibilities toward pop and culture. So when he came up with a "rock bible" idea for issue 20 and it exploded into a 250-page Word file in two weeks with more than 300 ideas from his contributors and friends, a book was in order. The Rock Bible: Unholy Scripture for Fans & Bands, with all its testaments, commandments and holy-like illustrations, is out now courtesy of Philly publisher Quirk Books, and Owings is hitting the trail.

City Paper: What are your best worst rock star moves?

Henry Owings: In terms of The Rock Bible, I wanted to nail down about a million little pet peeves, like bands putting their Web site on their bass drum or directing the audience to "get yo' ass up here and shake it."

CP: Since you're from Athens, I expected more rips on Southern rock. What happened?

HO: There was no need to rip on Southern rock since it serves as a punchline on its own. People who actually listen to Southern rock obviously can't read, so The Rock Bible is of no use to them.

CP: Did you want to avoid direct takedowns of any one genre?

HO: The only genre besides Southern rock that was specifically avoided was retarded-ass clown-based rap. Insane Clown Posse fans cannot be saved, by any force in the universe.

CP: Has anyone griped that you put a Les Paul and not a Strat or a Rickenbacker on the cover?

HO: A simple argument should suffice to make the use of the Les Paul on the cover self-explanatory: The Fender is rock. The Gibson is slightly louder rock. In rock, louder is better. Therefore, the Gibson is the best representation of rock.

CP: Do the commandments change for bands from other countries?

HO: The only change to the Rock Rules for Sweden is that every line must be followed by the phrase "lurka-durka-durka," as coined by the Swedish chef on The Muppet Show. The Rock Rules do not apply in Denmark, as it should be clear that Denmark is a rock-free zone. Denmark has contributed White Lion, Aqua and Lars Ulrich to the world, and, hence, should be excommunicated from possibility of redemption.

CP: Now that you're on tour for The Rock Bible, are there rules you can see applying to coffee-table-book authors?

HO: Carry a ton of Sharpies. Also, and I must stress this, authors should make sure they smell good; preferably of soap or flowers or both. The rest will take care of itself. Then, be prepared to nod your head to things you don't quite understand and pray, literally pray, to find a publisher in this day and age that's willing to get behind your crazy wing nut idea that'll undoubtedly piss off many more people than you could possibly inspire.

The Rock Bible tour with Henry Owings | Sun., Nov. 9, 3 p.m. free, AKA Music, 27 N. Second St., 215-922-3855, chunklet.com