Not to brag, but I’ve run the gamut in the LGBTQ type department — from twinks to silver foxes and, heck, I’ve even boinked a drag queen — but my scrawny ass has never been able to woo a bear daddy. It seems like that’s one of the most exclusive groups in the gay community, but Liberty Bears president Thom Caggiano says that’s just not true. In anticipation of Leather Pride 2012, he helped me come up with a five-step strategy for snagging a grizzly man.
1. No Manscaping: Put down that razor, girlfriend. “While some bears do the pretty-boy thing, typically that’s not the bear community,” says Caggiano. “Guys look much more attractive with [at least] half-inch stubble.”
2. Eau de Leave-It-at-Home: “Bears don’t tend to like people who wear a shitload of cologne” or antiperspirant. “Some are into natural [underarm smell], and who the hell wants a mouthful of deodorant when they’re licking pits?”
3. Wear Something Assless: “Anything showing off your ass and junk … yea.” If your toosh isn’t up to par, “even an open shirt that shows off your chest” can get the horny juices flowing.
4. Don’t Be a Douchebag: A little ’tude may look cute at Woody’s, but Caggiano says, “Most bears are looking for an easygoing fella who can take an ass-grab or be ready to move to a dark corner” for some good old-fashioned manhandling.
5. Be Ballsy: Conventional methods of striking up a conversation need not apply at most bear outings. If you see someone hot, just walk up, “grab their ass and say, ‘Woof!’” Apparently that’s code for “Take me now, big boy,” and it works.
Philadelphia Leather Pride 2012 takes place Nov. 9 -11. For a complete list of events go to plpn.org. Happy hunting!