JB: ’Kay. Bye, loser! Click!

BO: You’re still there, aren’t you, Joe?

JB: ... No.

MR: Can we just get this over with, Mr. President? I’m calling to congratulate you on your fine victory. The American people have spoken — especially the godless and the perverted, the illegal immigrants, the blacks, the Muslims, the gays, the poor, the sick, the educated, the women.

BO: My base.

MR: Of course, I did sweep the Mormon constituency, pretty sure. And Tagg got his whole polo team to vote for me. I’m certain I did well with Ann and all my secret bonus wives, and with everyone in the dressage community. I went over well with horse fanciers.

BO: Look, and I’m betting you rallied all the xenophobes, the wealthy, the racists, the rapists, the birthers, the hoarders, the easily led and the aborted.

MR: My base.

BO: Oh, and don’t forget those precincts in Ohio where you took 300 percent of the vote, thanks to those Hart Intercivic voting machines owned by known donors to your campaign, including your cronies from Bain Capital.

MR: You, uh — you knew about that?

BO: Look, yes I did. And I still won. Ha ha. Remember when I zinged you with

that bayonet line?

MR: I do not recall that.

BO: There’s that Romnesia again.

MR: Yeah, well you have the Epstein-Barack Virus.
BO: I have heard you suffer from the AndroMitta Strain.

MR: Well, with all due respect, you’re Baracktose intolerant!

BO: Good one. I enjoyed that one very much.

MR: Now that it’s all said and done, Mr. President, where do you think I went wrong?

BO: You don’t want me to tell you that.

MR: That’s just plain wrong for America. I would like your opinion.

BO: Look, Governor Romney. I think folks see you as smug, slimy, stiff and out of touch. Let me be clear: You aligned yourself with a party full of 65-year-old frat boys who think they have something important to say about rape. Women already thought you were creepy, and then you told your “binders of women” story. 

MR: That was an SVU reference. I can’t believe nobody picked up on that!

BO: You hide money in the Caymans. You won’t release your tax forms. You had

Donald Trump stumping for you. You said you liked firing people. You said corporations are people. You told your rich pals that 47 percent of the population is made up of shiftless, dependent babies.

MR: I guess it’s safe to admit it now: I do hate the middle class. I just think they suck.