You know what your problem is, Philadelphia? The same problems every other former industrial city has: Not enough jobs, a drug-based second economy, and race and class issues that no one knows how to address. This is a huge bummer, whether you're a true resident or a recreational Philadelphian (like me) whose sense of the city is based more on being a consumer than a citizen. My solution to the violent, fractious reality is opting out of it with the help of my best friend, the Internet. Together, the Internet and I compiled 10 bizarro Phillys (Phillies?) that we find more inviting and rewarding than Philly as we know it. Enjoy them, and pretend that's where you really live.

10. Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids

HEY HEY HEY! First of all, a big "up yours" to the kid from Goodburger for allowing that live action travesty to happen. And second, I want a time machine to the funky Philadelphia of the 1970s, where Bill Cosby showed nothing but love for the kids, and wasn't yet a Ghost Dad, a shill for Puddin' Pops, or in the habit of calling black youth "dirty laundry." I know, it's complex and not really my place to question Coz's message to the black community. But don't you wish Philly-Coz relations were back at Fat Albert era levels?

9. The Sixth Sense

If I saw dead people walking around like regular people, I would do their bidding. And if Bruce Willis wanted to give me gruff and loving advice while I walked around the nicest parts of Center City, I wouldn't burst his bubble and tell him that he's dead. I'd go ahead and let Mischa Barton boot up her poisoned oatmeal in my fort, because she didn't mean to. The only thing I would do different in MY Sixth Sense Philadelphia is that I would dispatch my ghostly friends to scare the little herbs that locked me in a haunted closet.

8. "Double Dutch Bus," Frankie Smith

This is what I do every morning. And then I've got to "deal with the funky sidewalk," which really makes "my corns hurt." There's no part of that story that I want in my ideal Philly, especially since I never have enough for the on-board funky bus fare. Double Dutch Bus would just be a chronicle of one man's beef with SEPTA if it wasn't for his gravel-voiced shout-outs to children ("Rebecca, Lolita, Veshawn and Dawn: Every time you do the Double Dutch you really turn it on") and the mainstream debut of midword izzes: "It's alrizzight! Nizzow wizzee wizzill silzzee!" I wish I lived in Frankie Smith's Philadelphia. It probably has a fifth dimension where you can taste sound.

7. All My Children

This is the episode of All My Children where Erica Kane and Natalie Marlowe (R.I.P., but sometimes she comes back to give advice) scrap over Jeremy Hunter (R.I.P.). Pine Valley is a small town outside of Philadelphia, based on the towns along the Main Line. This is where I grew up, and though I have seen some ritzy girls throw down (no joke, hair pulling and kicking), I've never seen their moms do it. Do they? That's the Main Line I want to be from, where the dead come back for holiday specials and people's hot, crazy mothers duke it out in well-appointed living rooms.

6. Boy Meets World

I couldn't find the clip I wanted of Shawn and Corey peeing on a cop car, or Topanga putting lipstick on her face, or the time they all went to Pottstown and got addicted to pie. So I picked this one because it highlights some of Boy Meets World's Philadelphia's selling points: 1) You can get a little fat, and guys will still line up to get a look at your big backyard. Actually, that sounds like real life. 2) Mooning your fiancee is considered "putting out." Count me in, prudes. I feel like third base would be a grand slam in this fictive 'delphia, and I'd be revered for my relative worldliness. Revered or reviled. If it were the latter, I would get drunk like Shawn, then crash my hog like Mr. Turner. Then I'd disappear like Minkus.

5. "Motown Philly," Boyz II Men

If Philly was like this, I'd make love to it, like it wanted me to. I wouldn't wait til the water ran dry. Can you imagine if Philly was "not too hard, not too soft," and Boyz II Men were always kickin' it just for you? If you had a jet black Benz, plenty of friends, and all the Philly steaks you can eat? I can almost picture it, but then years of TV watching catches up with me and my imagination fails.

4. 1776

In the musical 1776, Philadelphia has never looked so good. The main reason for this is John Adams, aka Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World. What's good, Feeny? You make pantaloons look commanding, if not entirely butch. Your voice should be on every GPS so people could feel like Knight Rider. I kind of blocked out the rest of the movie once Feeny started making snaps on the other angry men in wigs. If I lived in the Philadelphia of 1776, I'd do really anachronistic things (a la Marty McFly playing "Johnny B. Goode" at his mom's prom), like referring to streets that didn't exist yet or blowing their minds by "inventing" cheesesteak.

3. Rocky

In Rocky Balboa's Philadelphia, you get a woman's consent by haggling for it. Rocky is a masterful negotiator, cajoling an uncomfortable Adrian from the sidewalk into his row home with a series of "hey"s and "aw, come on"s. Philly boys today are socially inept, because they have been brainwashed to think no means no. What they don't understand is that sometimes there's a "maybe" lurking behind the frightened body language and repeated "really, no"s. I want a statue of Rocky cornering Adrian by the door when she tries to leave, to teach the children that a winner never quits.

2. "Close the Door," Teddy Pendergrass

How did people reproduce before Teddy Pendergrass was around? Joylessly. The only problem with Teddy Pendergrass is that subsequent R&B singers feel redundant (Usher, I'm looking in your shirtless direction). I imagine that life in Philly while Teddy was in his prime was about twice as sexy as it is now. He could put his hands on his hips like "I'm a little teapot" and tell the audience, "I know what to do with it if you ever let me get to it," and it didn't sound sleazy. It sounded helpful and informative. I don't know if this counts as an alternate reality, or if it's just "the past." I guess it's an alternative to the present--a sexy alternative.

1. Mannequin

Let 'em say we're crazy, I don't care about that. Put your hand in my hand, baby, don't ever look back. Mannequin is the number one alternate reality Philadelphia now and forever. I need a list within a list for Mannequindelphia's many attractions:

a) Illustra, the competing department store headed by hot, evil James Spader, serves as my mental image for "sleaze." My sister described Illustra as "glittery and slutty," and her friend distilled it to "venereal." Can you make clothes out of club drugs, neon and greed? Is this American Apparel's end goal, like the withering away of the state, only "the state" is modesty?

b) What racial tension? Gay black alien Hollywood Montrose stands in for all black people, gays and aliens, so Mannequin covers a lot of bases with one aggressively fabulous character. Hollywood is more than happy to step aside for Andrew McCarthy's mannequin-fondling, job-stealing ass, and say a bunch of intergalactic, black, queer catchphrases.

c) Estelle Getty has hiring and firing power. If only!

d) Passersby crowd around and exclaim "Oh, my God!" when they see McCarthy's mannequin displays. The only time I ever reacted like that to a window display was when a sporting goods store had a bald little mannequin girl in a Catholic school uniform surrounded by barbells. If Philadelphians were this easy to impress, I would have become a window dresser for a department store long ago.

That's what I want most from Mannequin's Philadelphia — the complete abandon with which they live. If I see a nice window display on Market Street, I want to stop in my tracks and jostle other people for a better view, because everyone else has also stopped to admire the fine mannequin arrangement. I want a mannequin to come to life and make out with me, and I want a city full of like-minded freaks to celebrate our love. If you can't understand that, maybe you need to reexamine what Philly means to you.

eileen.talone@citypaper.net