POSTED: Friday, February 4, 2011, 8:00 PM
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If you were worried there'd be no reason to tune in to Jersey Shore now that the roommates have signed a tentative peace treaty, those fears should've been diminished after the first segment last night. The episode, in a nutshell, opened with Snooki drunkenly passing out in JWOWW's dog pen, Ronnie throwing up in a shopping bag with a nauseated Sammi by his side, and Mike trying to get into a situation with the girl he brought home. The next day didn't bode so well for Ronnie ...
"Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?" Sammi questioned. They went to the doctor to find out, and after Ronnie was felt up by a man with a rubber glove, Sammi's question wasn't really answered. Maybe it was from drinking too much? At impulse, I felt the same panic I experienced when Snooki professed sobriety, when Ronnie said he was going to calm down on the alcohol. I paused and collected myself, and remembered that half the fun is watching them fall off the wagon.
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Later that night, the roommates went out. Snooki met a guy whose name I can't recall, and it's safe to say neither did she. Forgetting her Irish gentleman caller from last week, Snooki liked this new guy so much that she decided to practically eat his face on the dance floor. Deciding he was worthy of a trip to the guest room in the house, she brought him home, but unfortunately had to abort the situation because of her period.
Lucky for Deena, she didn't have the same problem. She, who proves herself fond of the occasional alliteration (Dean, better known as the Ronnie look-a-like, anyone?) goes after Dario, Ronnie's friend from home. Deena brought Dario back to the house and claimed she only planned on snuggling. "It's not Halloween," she argued. "I don't hand out candy for free." Halloween evidently rolled around later that night as Deena, dressed as a Hot Mess, showered Dario with Snickers and gummy bears.
The next morning, Dario left, leaving Deena with only the memory and the scent of Axe and hair gel left on her sheets. As her tryst came to a close, Snooki's whirlwind romance began. She spent the day with her new gorilla, so enamored by him that she didn't even bother changing out of the leopard dress she wore the night before. They spent an afternoon together worthy of a Nora Roberts novel, complete with Snooki tricking her new beau into swinging on the stripper pole that collapsed under his weight (point for Snooki). When the two ventured outside, they mauled each other in public, at which point Snooki made some startling discoveries. The first was innocent enough — she realized her new guido had a tongue ring. How had she missed that the night before? The second was the deal breaker. He was sorta, kinda, engaged. Or at least
was enganged. The relationship nearly lasted as long as Snooki's hangover.
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I was waiting all episode for it, but I knew the catalyst to another looming Ronnie and Sammi fight was approaching when Ronnie asked Sammi to clean out the fridge. Nothing good ever comes of the boys asking the girls to lift an acrylic fingernail in the kitchen. Of course, she didn't do it, although she had a good excuse. She went on a girl outing to the local sex shop so that JWOWW could dress up as a leather wearing dominatrix and Snooki could dress up as Babe Ruth. "I look like a hot drunk baseball player right now and I'm loving it," she said of her red and white uniform, complete with knee highs and obligatory cap that read 'HUSTLER.' She didn't so much look like an intoxicated baseball player, mostly just herself in a uniform, considering she was probably still drunk from the night before.
When the boys came home with supplements for dinner, they were outraged to be welcomed by a dirty kitchen, although you know they were expecting it. Ronnie started to clean, but he was bitching the whole time. "What don't I do for Sam besides wipe her ass and breathe for her?" He reamed on her when she and the girls returned home, resulting in one of the most awkward dinners of penne alla vodka I'd ever seen.
Tension continued to mount between the two as the roommates carried on. Mike slept in the next morning as JWOWW and Snooki headed to work at the T-shirt shop two hours late. "I just don't like work because I don't like working," she reasoned. Can't argue with that. When they returned home, the episode continued as most do, with a Ronnie and Sammi fight. Vinny, who has either been fed one-liners into an ear piece lately or has just been that clever, assesses, "Hell has to be just like this."
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Undeterred, the boys announced T-Shirt time, and hit the club with Deena. Pauly ran into his stalker Danielle from season one. She followed him on the boardwalk, even gifting him with a homemade 'I Heart Jewish Girls" t-shirt — complete with the star of David that she crafted herself. Making peace with the girl that had thrown a drink in his face just days prior, Pauly invited her back to the house, where the guys mercilessly teased and taunted her until she left.
Meanwhile, upstairs Sammi forced Ronnie to talk to her even though he was trying to sleep. He groaned into his pillow, told her that they were done, and tried to get back into his REM cycle. Still, she continued to poke the steroid induced bear with a stick, and pleaded that he look her in the face if he was going to break up with her, which he did about four times, resulting in Sammi once again asking for closure and crying. I am not a supporter of any type of domestic violence, but I was so rooting for Ronnie to Snooki-punch Sammi in the face. And I'm pretty sure no one else would have blamed him if he had.
HIGH: Snooki's educated assessment of the Atlantic Ocean: "I hate the ocean, it's all whale sperm. That's why the water is salty."
LOW: The Situation attempting to lift up the front of a girl's skirt, as she danced on the platform above him, only to have his hand slapped away. Grimey.
