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GENERATION WHY?: How to navigate a "grown-up" party
As far as I can tell, there are three points to the compass of social navigation: Entering, Extending, and Ending conversations. Let's look at each one.
GENERATION WHY?: How to navigate a "grown-up" party
Matt Cantor puts Generation Y-ers on blast.
Last week, I wrote about the difficulties of a Gen Y-er at a reunion. This week, I’d like to expand to a more general peril: the formal social gathering, or “party.” These aren’t the same as the parties we knew in college, where it was perfectly acceptable to adorn one’s head with a lampshade (or so I hear. I’ve still never seen anyone do that). No, these parties are an adult phenomenon, where a glass of wine is more ornamental than functional. The primary goal is to “chat” — code for making contacts to advance your career. Some parties are fun. These parties are work. So how do you survive them?
Like many twenty-somethings I know, I’m still trying to figure it out. Everyone thinks that these situations are uniquely important to their own fields. People in politics say it’s all about who you know. People in entertainment say it’s all about who you know. People who work in zoo management say it’s all about who you know. The fact is, it doesn’t matter where you work — meeting people is key. We need a one-size fits-all guide to handling these so-called parties. I cannot provide that guide, but I can certainly complain about them. Then maybe someone can tell me what I’m doing wrong.
As far as I can tell, there are three points to the compass of social navigation: Entering, Extending, and Ending conversations. Let’s look at each one. (For the sake of argument, we’ll use zoo management as our field.)
Entering: Let’s say there’s someone you want to talk to across the room — some leader in your field, perhaps the man who runs the nation’s leading tiger pit. Given his importance, he’s probably already talking to several people. So how do you break into the discussion? That’s where I’m stumped.
Usually what I do is hover around the edge of the circle, trying to laugh heartily when other people chuckle, to make it clear that I’m totally down with whatever’s being said. The effort makes you look engaged in the conversation, and if you laugh loud enough, the people nearest you realize you’re there. Then you just hope they let you in, like fellow drivers on the highway. Except on this highway, they’re trying to get to the same place you are, and only a few of you can fit.
Extending: Okay, you held your own in the group conversation. Now it’s just you and the tiger guy, and you just experienced your first long pause. How do you maintain the discussion?
My strategy is always to get the other guy talking. When I’m in these situations, I’m way too nervous to tell a good story. Instead, I just ask about him, and pretend to be fascinated by what he says. Get him going on a topic that interests him— ideally, one you aren’t expected to know anything about. You’ll know you succeeded if you leave the conversation with the name of a website that you “really should check out.” And this brings us to our final point ...
Ending: Once the conversation has lost its steam, and it’s obvious you’re both itching to move on, how do you get out of there? The typical excuses — pretending you have to go to the bathroom or saying you’re going to get another drink — have always seemed flimsy to me. Besides, if you say you’re going to the bathroom, you kind of have to actually do it. And if you say you’re going to get a drink, there’s the risk that the guy will say, “I’ll join you!”
So I’m working on a new strategy, one that’s clear and direct. Next party I go to, when I’m done chatting, I’ll just announce, “End of convo!” With any luck, my fellow conversant will appreciate my candor and applaud my straightforwardness. Either that, or I’ll look like a total ass.
See Also:
The ending is the hardest part. On days when I'm feeling confident, I often just say, "Well good to talk to you!" without offering any excuse. Sometimes its depressing when you see mild horror pass across their face as they realize that this means they don't have someone to hang out with anymore and will have to approach someone, but no one holds it against you. Everyone knows that this is how it works.
I'm not saying I always pull this off well, but if you're confident and you time it right, it works. We all need to circulate.
The best excuse is no excuse at all.— BradyDale
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