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SHORE TRASH: Beating dead horses
I wanted last night's Jersey Shore to be a cheeseburger or a slice of pizza: appropriate and satisfying munchies to top off a drunk Saint Patty's Day. It wasn't.
SHORE TRASH: Beating dead horses
Each Friday, Diana Palmieri breaks down the shenanigans happening on the latest season of Jersey Shore.
I wanted last night’s Jersey Shore to be a cheeseburger or a slice of pizza: appropriate and satisfying munchies to top off a drunk Saint Patty’s Day. It wasn’t. Clearly, the gang is not Irish, but I still don’t think there was an excuse for Snooki to remain sober for an entire episode while I was blissfully buzzed watching it. Whether it was a season filler or just the calm before the spray tan and alcohol induced storm that I’m hoping will be the season finale remains to be unseen, but it did have some laugh-worthy moments.
Am I the only one who thinks Ronnie would so punch Sammi if the cameras weren’t on them all the time? In the midst of the Ronnie Hurricane upstairs, there was a large cardboard box that Snooki and Deena take turns rolling around in and kicking in the living room. Where’d it come from? Is it replacing the clogged toilet as a supporting cast member? Did it hold all the emotional baggage of Ron and Sam? I don’t know, and blast in a glass Deena doesn’t seem to care as she announces, “I feel like I’m in a spaceship!”
One of the next scenes featured one of my favorite sub-plots that the producers and editors are really trying to push this season: the non-existing parallel of Vinny and Snooki to Ross and Rachel. It is appearing a lot more complicated than it is. They smush when they’re drunk. The End. Snooki and Vinny went to lunch and Snooki tried to talk to Vinny about his prevalence of grenades without appearing jealous, she learned what beer-battered onion rings were battered in (guess!), and they walked arm in arm with Vinny’s “Free Weezy” sweatshirt and Snooki’s sweatpants with “GO HARD” written across the ass. Meant to be.
After getting a spray tan for the first time a few weeks ago, and after having gotten a large sleeve tattoo probably depicting either Jesus or a dragon in between now and Miami, Vinny’s transformation to be a real man continues. This week, he gets his ears pierced. Danny, who owns the Shore Store and rents the house that the gang stays in (which needs to be sterilized or just burnt down to ever be clean), and who we learned a few weeks ago is a plumber, also keeps a piercing gun handy and is a pro. What a Renaissance man! Pauly who is nearly in tears about how fresh Vinny looks, can’t keep the childlike glee off his face after Vinny parades his new studs and becomes more of a douche each week.
It should not take more than a few commercial breaks before the group goes to Aztec, and it was so lame that they may as well have stayed home with Ronnie and Sammi, who shared a singular cheeseburger, admitted that they have trust issues, and then celebrated their steps backwards by having sex. Dr. Drew would be so proud. While Ron and Sam are home beating a dead horse with a stick, the boys are on the prowl. Pauly’s stalker Danielle is there, which briefly elicits an, "Oh, this is gonna be good!" but then doesn’t really pan out into anything. They bring two girls home, only to let them know that they aren’t interesting in sleeping with them by mocking them to go home with someone comes to pick them up. “You didn’t come here for pastries and coffee. You came here to do sex with Pauly and Vinny. You embarrassed yourself,” says Deena.
This episode also featured more of Danny, who really tries his best to feign anger at the cast when they do absolutely nothing at work. How dare they not sell t-shirts with slogans they made up at the very place in which they are being filmed for a TV show!
While some of the gang pretended to work, Sammi is upset that in all the excitement the night before, what with eating a cheeseburger and smushing with Ronnie, she left her contacts in overnight. “What am I, mental?” she says in frustration. Yeah, bitch, you are. Meanwhile, Ronnie’s mom, who I wish had a camera on her from her end of the phone, is repeatedly drunk dialing the house to talk to her son. Poor Deena has the misfortune of answering the phone and is forced to hear about how Ron’s mom is so tan that she says she looks Indian, to which Deena replies, “That’s awesome.” The phone gets passed around like Snooki on a bad night, and Mike ends up spewing everything to Ronnie’s mom about how much Sam sucks. Sam is so pissed that she threatens to punch Mike. He should be careful, because if the past is any indication, she’ll do it. Everyone is mad and yelling in the last scene, and Sam’s shady nature is called into question. The credits roll as Ronnie calls up Arvin to get the scoop. Apparently, Sam made out with Arvin in the past, which has Ronnie fuming. He goes onto the porch to confront her and maybe even deck her.
HIGH Is there ever really a high at the shore? A woman who must have been so embarrassed by her actions that she didn’t sign the release form to show her face on camera, admits to Vinny and Pauly, “I know I’m a grenade, but you guys are as fine as hell!”
LOW Vinny has way too much confidence in himself after getting his ear pierced and kicking out the grenades he and Pauly brought home from Aztec. After he laments his lack of a smushing partner, he pulls a sober Snooks towards his room and says, “Come on.” Low for Vinny for being a pompous douche, but high for Snooki, who actually declines. Yay for self-respect!
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