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SHORE TRASH: Goodbyes, fights, grilled cheese and poop
Last night's season three finale of Jersey Shore encompassed everything we've come to expect from this season. There was verbal abuse of women, drunk cooking, pot stirring and poop. Lots of it.
SHORE TRASH: Goodbyes, fights, grilled cheese and poop
Last night’s season three finale of Jersey Shore encompassed everything we’ve come to expect from this season. There was verbal abuse of women, drunk cooking, pot stirring and poop. Lots of it. Especially poop. We were spared the grenades, though. Phew!
We start back where we left off last week. Ronnie’s about to punch Sammi for hooking up with Arvin… before she had ever even met Sam. Mike eggs on Ronnie and tells him that Sam is lying when she says it never happened. “I feel like the joke’s on me. I feel like a fool.” This is new? Where have you been all season, Ron? Sam then breaks down, admitting that she never made out with Arvin. Only, when she says “never,” she means except for the whole year she was 21. She and Ron go out on the patio to cry together in their black hoodies and Sammi apologizes to Ron. He gives Sam a shot at redemption, which, like most girls with no self-esteem, probably comes in the form of a sexual favor.
The next day is the last day at the Shore Store. Danny hosts a barbeque for the gang in honor of all they did for him over the summer, like Snooki pooping while on the clock, Mike taking naps and food breaks, and Ronnie sobbing violently (the way he does everything) in the bathroom. Their non-existent hard work is rewarded with a fiesta that features a who’s who of the shore. The get-together is harder to get into than Deena’s denim onesie because each person can only bring three guests. JWOWW, of course brings Roger and her father, who was a cross between and older Kid Rock on a bad day (are there any good days for Kid Rock?) and Professor Dumbledore. Vinny brings his Creepy Uncle Nino and Deena brings a few of her friends from home. JWOWW almost kills a few on-lookers when she smashed the piñata, Deena Jersey Turnpikes Uncle Nino as Pauly DJ’s and everything is going smoothly. That is, until, Vinny tells Deena that she is the new Angelina when she stops him from hitting on her friend, Lisa. “Being called Angelina is, like, one of the worst things you could ever be called,” says Pauly. Low blow.
The next morning, Mike attempts a moment of sincerity when he tells Sammi, “I wanna come over and maybe apologize.” They bury the hatchet, along with their self-worth, as Deena laments her aches and pains. “My feet are killing me. Did I step on something last night?” Don’t worry, Deena. It was only your dignity. Later that day, the gang goes to Rivoli’s to eat giant-sized portions so they can later pass out on the couch before hitting Karma. Upon seeing his dish, Ronnie warns, “No one touches my clams. I’ll cut your fingers off.” Or bust everyone’s glasses. He also calls first dibs on the bathroom later so that he can most likely clog it again.
Snooki, meanwhile, has high hopes for the night. Doing a quick surveillance to make sure her private lady parts aren’t showing (or whatever she’s got under her dress), she does a cartwheel and asks Pauly if he could see kookah. Snooks has a check-list full of debauchery for her last night out in Seaside. She says that she’ll “have sex with an old man, steal a plant, get arrested, and do whatever.” Too bad all of those were taken care of after the first week. When they finally arrive at Karma, Roger takes advantage of the oh so romantic scenery of where Snooki hid in a bush and JWOWW first peed behind the bar to ask her if he could put a ring on it. Okay, maybe not a ring, but he asks JWOWW to be exclusive, to which Team Meatball is thrilled. Unfortunately, that was the highlight of the night, and the gang later heads home. “I am a walking mess,” Deena stutters on the walk back to the house. We’re proud of you, D. Admitting it is the first step!
A new addition to the foods that I can no longer stomach because of the Shore (which includes just about everything due to all the shit shots of the clogged toilets this season), grilled cheese makes its appearance on that list. Snooki and Deena bothgat as close as domestic as they ever will when they prepare grilled cheeses after Karma. Snooki uses the sandwich as a bargaining chip for sex and Deena uses it as a peace offering to Vinny. I was a little surprised by this form of currency I didn’t know existed among the roommates. I would have thought gift cards to “Simply Sun” or hair spray would be been up there with ways to get what you want. Or, in Ron and Sam’s case, a trip to Lens Crafters.
After all the dairy consumption and smushing, Ron and Sam break out into another fight. Sammi cries on the toilet while Ron scolds her. Like any decent girlfriend beater, he lectures her about how he’s done everything for her, while she’s done nothing. While they fight, Vinny drunkenly smiles on the couch downstairs, “It’s a comedy.” The next day, Ron and Sam hash it out again. Except this time, Sam apologizes to Ron. For what? Not being “lovey-dovey” with him. She tells him that he’s her best friend because he makes her laugh and cry. Sam needs to get some friends that bust her glasses and emotionally berate her if that’s all she needs from Ron. Seriously, MTV, no public service announcement for abusive relationships? Instead, Ronnie’s Xenadrine commercial is plugged throughout, which I’m not sure actually entices people to buy it. They left out crying, exhibiting douche-like behavior, and emotionally shitting on your girlfriend from the list of side effects. The final nail in the coffin that is their relationship is put in when Ron looks Sam in the eye and tells her, “I think my heart’s broken at this point.” Yeah, Ron, I bet it is. Probably because you ripped it out of your own chest and threw a poorly-constructed bed frame at it.
The last few scenes involve JWOWW’s dogs laying deuces all over the house (twice), to which Mike assesses, “That rug reminds me of Ron and Sam’s relationship.” Before anti-climactic exits, the gang shares a farewell breakfast while packing. Sammi leaves first, and hopefully the door hit her hard on the ass on the way out. If so, you know Ron definitely slammed it. Snooki tells the camera, “If I could have Ron or Sam back next summer, I would want Ron back. Don’t tell her I said that.” It’s okay, Snooki, you’re speaking for the masses.
On that note, the season ends along with the image of Team Meatball interlocking their hands in the car, possibly in symbolism of a job well done, kind of like Beyonce and Lady Gaga at the end of their video for “Telephone.” Was that foreshadowing of a horrendous musical venture to come? Or maybe a terrifying political duo Snooki alluded to when she said, “I would get shit done in this country. The economy would rise, everyone would be tan and all the radios would play house music.” A coincidence? Who knows, but only the next season in Italy will tell. Oh, Mamma mia.
HIGH Roger and JWOWW have proved themselves to be the best couple the Shore has ever produced. Besides the dipping fiasco that lasted half a segment a few weeks ago, they’ve been pretty solid. Although a common cliché, the two set up their lines in a perfect choreographed manner when JWOWW laments that she wants to snuggle when they arrive home from Karma. “I want to spoon,” she says, to which Roger replies, “I want to fork.”
LOW Every scene that ever showed Ron, Sam, or Ron and Sam (except when Ron bawled like a little bitch on the patio…again).
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