SHORE TRASH: "It's like a love-cuzzi"

Last night's episode of Jersey Shore harbored on relationships: Pauly and Deena, Mike and Snooki, Sam and Ronnie, Deena and Italian cobblestone.

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SHORE TRASH: “It’s like a love-cuzzi”

POSTED: Friday, August 12, 2011, 1:00 PM

Pop culture critic Diana Palmieri wraps up the shenanigans from last night's episode of Jersey Shore. Have they broken Italy yet?

Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore harbored on relationships: Pauly and Deena, Mike and Snooki, Sam and Ronnie, Deena and Italian cobblestone. While at the fire-bar discoteca, Deena tries to woo Pauly with her tongue. While he seems to enjoy (tolerate) it, he admits that he doesn’t want to toy with Deena’s feelings. Snooki, quoting the immortal words of Dr. Ruth, advises Pauly, “Just fuck Deena, please.” Although Pauly admits to Snooki that he “probably will,” it just wasn’t the night. After taking a dive on the way home and once in their house, Deena forgets her troubles and plays with a string Pinnochio.

The next day, the girls decide to be useful and attempt making Sunday dinner. Sammi, who can’t decipher the smell of garlic, proclaims, “I’m gonna make my own concoction.” Soup made of tears? After they’ve breaded some chicken cutlets and loaded the dishwasher, they eat … out at a café. When the girls are gone, the camera zooms in on a pile of suds leaking out of the dishwasher. It is overflowing, and horrid images from last season's shit-clogged toilet come to the mind. But never fear! This time it is filled with soap and all is right in the world. Or at least a ilttle more sanitary.

When Vinny receives a sketchy phone call from a man named Marco, he realizes he is speaking to this season’s Shore Store owner. The gang heads over to a pizzeria, where they will be working while in Italy. After a demonstration from Snooki, Ronnie assesses that if she can do it, surely they can.

After a short pizza how-to, everyone gets ready for another night out. Mike has serious beer/vodka/lemoncello/absinthe goggles, because he has to verify with all the guys that the “not beautiful girl” who approaches him is cute. Drunk and single Ronnie rears his hilariously sloppy head as he goes after everyone’s drinks, nearly rounding first base with Pauly as he goes to sip the shot already at his lips.

Later that night, an insecure Snooki asks Vinny if she’s prettier than the girl Mike schlepped home. After Mike makes a “pop” with the “not beautiful” girl, he and Snooki have their second or third conversation of the episode about their relationship. Mike believes they are more than friends, but promises Snooki he will (not) respect the fact that she has a boyfriend that she may or may not be taller than.

After a faux-lover’s quarrel of Pauly “putting Deena on blast,” Deena sulks, having learned the art from Sammi. Once again proving that he’s pretty much the most decent human living in the house, he apologizes to Deena, even gifting her with a bracelet that probably didn’t cost more than a euro, or a peso, as Snooki would assume.

Later at a different club that doesn’t showcase fires along the bar, Pauly and Vinny hilariously take notes on all of the red flags one should be aware of when picking up girls in Italy. Realizing the whole lack of having to be 21 to drink, the two are serious to avoid cradle robbing. Making cameos on the checklist? If the girl has the following: coloring books, lights on her sneakers, or parental controls on her TV, Pauly chimes in, “she’s too young for you!”

The episode has somehow taken a turn for the worse, because Sammi and Ronnie are speaking and making hand gestures while she’s on the verge of tears. “When Ronnie and Sam get drunk, they turn into different people,” Vinny says. Nope, I’m pretty sure she’s always needy and he’s always violent, and that they just collectively suck as humans. Not heeding advice from anyone in the house, the two cuddle up at the kitchen table. The last chilling lines of the episode? A drunk Sammi to a shirtless, drunk-with-the-munchies Ronnie: "I love you."

HIGH Perhaps in an effort to take his mind off the rage he'll undoubtedly catapult in Sam’s direction in the next couple of episodes, Ronnie joins Vinny for a bromantic rendezvous in the hot tub. “It’s like a love-cuzzi because it gravitates you towards each other,” Ronnie says, after he and Vinny awkwardly meet in the middle. I’m guessing it may have been the first time either of them were in a hot tub while sober since they didn’t question the water jets.

LOW While taking an afternoon stroll in Florence (yep, Florence), Sammi admires a church and inquires, “Is this the Vatican?” Deena, who has spent most of her time admiring the city’s cobblestones in constant preparation for a drunken tumble, answers, “Yeah, I think so.”

(diana.palmieri@citypaper.net)

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