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SHORE TRASH: "We're not in Jersey anymore ... "
After three seasons of watching them smush, cry, tan, clog toilets, churn out T-shirt-worthy catchphrases, work out, and rid Sammi of any remaining self respect, the Jersey Shore cast packed up their rosaries and Ron-Ron Juice to take their business to Italy. Because why not further hone in that whole "Ugly American" thing?
SHORE TRASH: "We're not in Jersey anymore ... "
Pop culture queen Diana Palmieri returns with her weekly commentary on the latest episode of the Jersey Shore.
After three seasons of watching them smush, cry, tan, clog toilets, churn out T-shirt-worthy catchphrases, work out, and rid Sammi of any remaining self respect, the Jersey Shore cast packed up their rosaries and Ron-Ron Juice to take their business to Italy. Because why not further hone in that whole “Ugly American” thing?
While I’m sure they were tempted, MTV producers could have easily created one season around the cast gearing up for Italy, and another devoted to the guidos actually being there. The first few minutes of the new season depicts the cast showing their excitement for venturing to the mother land with preparations of passport photos. Snooki needs a stool to boost her up for the picture, Ronnie gets alarmingly close to the camera while visibly restraining himself not to break it, and Pauly busts out so many hand gestures that I was expecting him to shout, “Its morphin’ time!” like any true Power Ranger.
The night before their trip, the boys (and by boys, I mean two twenty-somethings and two 30-year-olds) camp out at Casa di Vinny, where Vinny’s mom feeds and covers them before they go to sleep. Ronnie tells the guys that "single" Ronnie will be out to play in Italy. He says “No more being a bitch”, but what he really means is “I’ll just be calling Sam one.” We’re also treated to language and geography lessons along the way. Snooki informs audiences that Europe may or may not be a country, Deena lets us know that “gracias” means “thank you” in Italian, and Vinny’s uncle gives the guys essential Italian phrases — like how to translate, “Are you ready to fuck?”
Somewhere within the first third of the episode, Jersey Shore has become a crossover to The Amazing Race. Only instead of playing for cash, the boys and girls are just in a race to choose their beds first. I didn’t really understand the whole urgency of this, because chances are that no matter what, most or all of the mattresses will be susceptible to bed bugs before they leave. Anyway, the boys and girls board separate planes. Much to my chagrin, Ronnie was allowed on the plane, proving that security doesn’t really consider an excess of luggage filled with protein shake mix and Xenadrine to be too much of a safety liability.
The boys seem to have a much smoother trip, rolling into Florence on a small plane after a layover in Madrid while the girls hung out in an airport in Germany. After landing, Snooki scrambles to convert her money into pesos (kinda the wrong country for that), one of JWOWW’s bottles of bronzer explodes in her suitcase, and blast-in-a-glass Deena falls for the first (because there will be more) time on Italian soil.
The chaos that ensues before reaching the house trumps the rest of the episode. There's the expected struggle of hoisting several suitcases up two flights of stairs, the difficulty of figuring out that whole voltage-conversion nonsense (Pauly needed to blow-dry his hair!), and the culture shock of finding a bedit in the bathroom. “A bedit is a way of cleaning your butthole,” Vinny explains, most likely saving Mike from thinking it was a urinal and introducing Snooki to her newest pastime.
As the gang prepares for their first few Florence outings, they all realize that they can’t read a map. After a failed venture to an Italian gym, the roommates head to their mothership, their friendly neighborhood discoteca. While getting ready to go out, Mike tells Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up, and that he's starting to have feelings for the oompa-loompa. Mike later decides to subtly hide his growing affections for Snooki by mauling her at the club.
HIGH POINT: Snooki and Deena, on their first night in Florence, fail to be struck by the history or rich culture of the city. Instead, what evokes squeals of urgency? “Oh my God, a ferris wheel!”, Deena yells as she and Nicole run toward the lights only to find that it was a merry-go-round. Points for getting the general round shape, right?
LOW POINT: Tie between the slow-mo Sammi / Ronnie greeting, and DEFINITELY that horrible commercial for 6-Hour Energy in between segments. The smallest saving grace of the commercial was that Deena was there alongside a trying-to-be-pleasant Sammi. You know that everyone else turned that gig down before it was offered to those two. Even Pauly’s Miracle Whip stint trumps this train wreck.
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