Borat: Touristic Guidings To Minor Nation of U.S. and A. and Borat: Touristic Guidings to Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

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Borat: Touristic Guidings To Minor Nation of U.S. and A. and Borat: Touristic Guidings to Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

POSTED: Wednesday, December 26, 2007, 6:46 PM

Filed Under: Comedy | Movies Books

It’s good supplemental reading.

Such sad news it was to receive in the days preceding Christmas. It was the comedic rendition of a double murder when Sacha Baron Cohen announced that he’d be retiring both Ali G and Borat, two of his best known characters.

My first thought: Damn, but I guess he really couldn’t sneak up on Jewish B&B owners, slave-lovin’ southern frat boys or Bob Barr from the reigning regime party anymore, what with everybody on the face of earth realizing that 1) Borat wasn’t really a Kazakh reporter culturally off enough to call a feminist “pussycat” before urging her to smile and 2) Ali G wasn’t really a supa-def British talk-show host who somehow managed to talk the Philly PD into letting him pimp himself all over the police academy.
My second thought: No mention of Bruno, eh? Methinks there might be an expose on club owners who are rather certain house music could’ve not only staved off WWII, but might have had Hitler rethinking his evil ways.
In any event, they’re both gone, baby, and all we’re left with are DVD images of Borat inviting a barely dressed African-American Lady of the Evening over to a formal dinner on Secession Drive. And, of course, the two-in-one book released in November that, as you might guess from the titles, take a look at life in both the U.S. and A. and the glorious nation of Kazakhstan, the scourge of those asshole Uzbeks. (Published by Flying Dolphin Press, it’s cover price is $24.95. Unless you’re an asshole Canadian; if so, you’re paying an extra five bucks. Translate that into loonies or whatever on your own because our potassium’s superior.)
So anyway, it’s hard to really describe what this thing is. I mean, one book starts at the front cover and the other starts at the back cover and they meet in the middle.
You’d have to suspect that Cohen had a hand in it, because its unprofessional minimism (is that a word?) seems perfectly executed, like somebody whose wind-blown hair wasn’t blown dry by anything but a stylist who wanted to make it look perfectly unkempt.)
The text: Uneven, slanted and using different fonts – even within the same word.
The photos: Amateur quality. (Particularly those of Borat’s son Hooeylewis (he, of the ample man-meat in the movie Polaroids) and his late wife Ludmilla (she, of the utterly disturbing n00dz taken by his other son, Bilak).
And the content: Bound to please any Borat or Cohen fan. While there’s a lot of overlap with the movie, it adds depth to some of the details that would’ve been easy to miss thanks to the laughter in the theater. It also lays more waste to political correctness; I mean, name another comic who could get away with, in the blurb, asking, “Did you know that there are over 1,000 [American peoples] with chocolate colour skin? And that it natural, not makeups!?”
I’ll close with some nuggets gleaned from a read and suggest that, should you have a late Christmas with a Borat fan, use up one of those gift cards to buy them this. It’s good supplemental reading.
– Philadelphia is located in one of the largest homosexual pockets in the U. S. and A.
– Jews aren’t kept behind fences in Tixas or near Mount Rushmores
– America was second to putting a man on the moon – to Kazakhstan
– Borat doesn’t know where “most powerful warlord Arnold the Barbarian’s chram and testes are
– Cowboys, on average, have a 15.4 centimetre “phenis” (or chram)
– The favorite drink of Redindians is “delicious fruit cordial name Mountain Dew”
– “Very few American womens has pubis – they are trained to remove it themselves”
– If you want to hide from people of the Jewish faith, try New York City. There are only a dozen or so there
– Washington D.C. isn’t named after Denzel
– “Entrance code for lock on Liza Minellis (wawaweewa) gate is not between numbers 0 and 9873”
– Kazakhstan was created in 903 A.D. when it was pecked from the Great Egg by the Mighty Hawk Ukhtar
– The nation’s biggest porn star is Jonny the Monkey who, alas, recently went to meet his maker
– Horses can vote there; women cannot
– Their variation of soccer is called “kokpar,” and instead of a ball, they use a dead goat
– The biggest nightclub is named “Niteclub Superfuck;” women are expected to wear a muzzle
– As referenced in the movie, the nation’s biggest pop star is Korki Butchtek; he’s married to two 12-year olds. The book includes all the lyrics to his masterpiece, “Bing Bang”
– The two biggest movies there? “Attack of the Jew Claw” and “Help! There’s a Jew in My Kitchen!”
– If you go there, be sure to eat “Charazak” (braise black horse) and drink “Yurnak” (ferment horse urine) and
– Finally, the biggest tourist attraction is a 712.6-foot tall statue of “Melvin the Redeemer” in Astanta. Melvin is Mel Gibson.

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