Idol Hands ' Top 11, Grand Ole Opry week
The Web site for the award-winning alternative weekly, the Philadelphia City Paper.
Idol Hands ' Top 11, Grand Ole Opry week
We like American Idol ' too much.
Tommy Button:I was really hoping that there would be an Irish theme for this St. Patrick's day Idol. Maybe some Van Morrison, the Pogues, the Cheiftans. OR at least they all have to perform hammered drunk. That's what a real American Idol is all about.
Molly Eichel: I believe Paula has that on lock every week. Paula = tanked. Slainte!
TB: On a side note, this weekend I scored Kellie Pickler's album at work. I found it in the trash but thank God I was there or some homeless man woulda just used it to masturbate to. Also, CELEBRITY GUESTS!!!!! Who doesn't love Randy Travis? You don't? Yeah? Well get off my damn blog!!!
ME: I am undecided on the opening new voice over. At first I didn't like, but now it's like an omniscient, god-like narrator is bringing me the Idol judges! Fun fact: Carrie Underwood is a member of the Grand Ole Opry, Hank Williams is not (he was shitcanned in '52).
Michael Sarver - "Ain't Goin' Down ('Til The Sun Comes Up)" by Garth Brooks
ME: Oilrig, you're mumbling. Enunciate, sweetie. He's also not showing his range at all, not even on the chorus. The contestants think that being sassy to Simon is charming, so Oilrig's comeback to Simon was, "If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need this show." That kind of debases the entire premise of the show, that there's undiscovered diamonds in the rough that is America. He's essentially saying, "There's a reason I'm not famous already and that's because I'm terrible."
TB:What does that mean? That American Idol is a show is about obtaining perfection? Well, I hope so. Because somebody needed to say it. Once again, guy gave it all he had and fell short ' a feeling I know all too well, Oilrig. Some of us were just born losers. Not me, though, I cheat my way to success or at least hitch a ride on whose ever coat tails I can get my grimy suasage fingers on.
ME: T-Bone, re: coat tails ' you're welcome.
Allison Iraheta - "Blame it on the Heart" by Patti Loveless
ME: Randy Travis is so confused by her. She's not talking nearly as much so that's a plus.
TB: Allison was awwwwesome! And less annoying.
ME: It's Marianne Faithful! Allison reminds me of Marianne Faithful. But not, like, young pop starlet Marianne Faithful or current 47 packs of cigarettes a day Marianne Faithful. She's a combination of the two ' pre-Rolling Stones gang bang-era, post-having a normal voice-era Marianne Faithful if she grew up on Avril Lavigne and pixie sticks.
Kris Allen - "To Make You Feel My Love" by Garth Brooks
ME: Did you see Randy Travis' eyebrow lift?! Even his knees are knocking for Kris. I think Kris is doing a fabulous job here. He took a genre he's probably not very comfortable with and is making it his own by de-twangifying.
TB: Way to make up for the wife slip last week. You other contestants watch out! Kris Allen is somewhere crouching in the bushes of your mansion like a green beret ready to snap your neck into American Idol oblivion.
Lindsey Proulx: Girls all across America just fell in love with you Kris Allen (if they weren't all ready).
Lil Rounds - "Independence Day" by Martina McBride
ME: This is a terrible choice ' she should have sung a ballad. Like a Tammy Wynette song 'cause Tammy had pipes. But, I LOVE THIS SONG. It's part of that great tradition of country songs where women sing about killing their husbands. This man hits his wife and nobody ever says anything so she sets him on fucking fire. Although, I don't think Lil sang that verse, which changes the entire meaning of the song. I think Lil could've pushed it more. Martina McBride has a pretty strong voice and I think Lil could've taken it there. She says she wants to show that R&B wasn't the only genre she could do but I don't think she needs to prove that. I think she's got a niche and she should stick with it. A lot of contestants think they can bounce from genre to genre, but very few, actual pop stars do this so why should Lil have to?
TB: I'm always gonna love Lil Rounds. Even though for two weeks I've been disappointed only because I know next week or the week after that or the week after that Lil is gunna strut out on that stage and show my box things its never seen or heard before. Besides, America can't vote her off, she's the only remaining black contestant. You're not a racist are you?
LP: You know what would have been better than this song? "I Will Always Love You." Kevin Costner would totally save her life while she was at the Oscars if she sang that song. But I don't think he would do it after this performance. The man has standards after all (Whitney Houston, before the drugs).
Adam Lambert - "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash
ME: Ha, Adam just sent Randy Travis into full gay panic. This arrangement sounds like "One Night in Bangkok" from that Chess musical, which I think is about people who don't have sex and only play chess. But you know what? I'm kinda digging it! It's got this Devotchka tarting it up Top 40-style going on! Simon will HATE this. Yes, yes he did.
TB:I can't. I just can't find the right words to describe how much I hated that crazy bullshit. I need to take a break...
LP: Thank you Adam Lambert. Thank you for reminding me of how much I hate you. You had me fooled for a second there last week, but not anymore! You just don't fuck with the Man in Black. I hope Johnny Cash rose from his grave after he heard that and kicked the shit out of Adam Lambert.
Scott McIntire - "Wild Angels" by Martina McBride
TB: Still an inspirational powerhouse. I hate inspirational country songs too. I prefer the depressing "let the train blow the whistle when I go" types. I dont think this guy is ever gunna get any better. He's peaked and he's gunna sound the same every week until America kicks him off or let's him win.
ME: Adding to the list of awesome country songs: Songs about jambalaya.
LP: His hair looked so good!!
Alexis Grace - "Jolene" by Dolly Parton
ME: It's funny, for a girl who really came out guns blazing in her performances, she's really cutting the balls of this song. It's like I said last week, she's gonna neuter herself by thinking that America wants a nice girl.
TB:Couldn't have said it better myself. Balls: gone. Even when she tried to redeem herself after getting the ol' heave ho from 'Merica she still pussed out. I like the song choice a lot she just can't do what Dolly does, but who can? It's probably because her boobs aren't as big.
Danny Gokey - "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
ME: He's having the same problem as last week where his bigger notes are better than his more reserved notes. Come on Danny, step it up.
TB: I thought he was gunna cry the whole time!! Which made me wanna cry! Then I started crying and he started crying and we both just looked at each other and it was amazing ' Oh God, he's just amazing. He really knows how to make a song about Jesus totalling a car and killing a mother and child work.
Anoop Desai - "You Were Always on My Mind" by Willie Nelson/Johnny Cash
ME: Great song choice. Please, box = blown. Anoop just saved himself for another week.
TB: AGREEEEEE! Anoop earned his spot. He got lucky last week but totally redeemed himself this time around.
LP: Great job! Imagine if Anoop had went home instead of Jorge? I'm so happy America was smart enough to keep him around one more week! Plus, he's the only person that I would want to hang out with. So good job with that too, Anoop Dog!
Megan Joy Corkery - "Walking After Midnight" by Patsy Cline
ME: She kind of dumbs this song down because Patsy's voice is kinda of insane but it's working for her. She's gonna get a pity vote for being sick either way. Still hot.
TB: Super hot. Fuck that. Super haaaawwwt. Her boobs looked awesome. I mean, stellar. And this isn't my penis talking (although he is doing the typing) she's kind of growing on me. Her voice has this deranged quality to it that I kind of dig. And if you think that's stupid then you probably like Adam Lambert fucking Johnny Cash's corpse. So let's agree to disagree.
LP: Even when you're sick I still wouldn't kick you out of bed.
Matt Giraud - "So Small" by Carrie Underwood
ME: Liking this better than Danny's Underwood, although I haven't heard the original version of this. But Matt Giraud just became a competitor with that.
LP: LOVE HIM! Do you think Paula is trying to put the moves on him behind the scenes? And more importantly, do you think Matt is going for it?!
ME: Yes. No.
TB: This kid's got a potential! I see Eliot Yamin in him and that dude came outta nowhere Season 5 to stomp on some bitches. If he keeps up this soulful, Joe Cocker thing I think he can climb to the top. And he's cute.Not in a way that would make me wanna look at him more than twice a week but in a way where normal American girls will like him. And that's not a knock at normal American girls.
ME: Yeah, he's that non-threatening guy who you're a little embarrassed about having a crush on because he's not hottest tail on the playground but he's no slouch either.
Results ' Alexis Grace:
MB: Mind blowing! And After the supposed leak that it was going to be Lil, Danny, Adam and Alexis in the finals. You know what though? I don't think this was a huge mistake. The judges gave her a personality by saying she needed to dirty herself up. She did but never really owned it. I blame her ridiculous hairdo, because I'm pretty sure my aunt has the same one. Not knocking you, Aunt Judy, 'cause you own that frosting.
TB: It's sad to see Alexis go. She busted out Top 13 and I had some high hopes. I also felt bad when Randy called her Allison. Bad move on the Dog's part. The thing about Alexis leaving was that it kind of made sense. All she needed was one bad night. I was pretty sure she was gonna be a Top 5er but it's so early in the game that the voters haven't picked their sympathy votes yet. Like, I'll always vote for Lil Rounds no matter what, even if she sucks. But luckily for Lil she's already started a fan base, at least with me. Alexis didn't get that chance. If she blew some boxes last night and got one more week of box mayhem she coulda got her fanbase locked down and a much greater chance of sticking around.
- Arts Events
- First Person Fest
- Last Chance
- On the Fringe
- Philly Artists
- The Curator
- Visual Art
- Arts News
- Artist Profile
- Arts Preview
- Street Art
- Been There, Done That
- Big Ups
- LOL With It
- Critical Mass
- Friday Fill-in
- Ice Cubes
- In Memoriam
- Just Do It
- Just Opened
- Art Phag
- Film Fest
- Movie Review
- On set
- 10 Track Mind
- Album Review
- Concert Review
- Local Support
- Now Hear This
- One Track Mind
- Philly Bands
- Somebody Else Was There
- The Showdown
- concert photos
- DJ Nights Blogged
- Night Watch
- Now See This
- Poetic License
- Printed Matter
- What We Heart
- Idol Hands
- Mad Men
- True Blood
- Useless Lost Recaps
- Couch Potato
- Shore Trash
- Turned ONN
- Video Games
- Free Online Game
- PlayStation 2
- The 1-Upper
- Web Junk
- CAGE MATCH
- Free Online Toy
- Weekend Omnibus