IDOL HANDS: American Idol, 666: The Mark of the Beast

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, 666: The Mark of the Beast

POSTED: Wednesday, April 28, 2010, 7:53 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV Idol Hands

We like American Idol. Too much. Unfortunately, Tommy Button is in rehearsal for his upcoming musical Half-Gay: The Tommy Button Story (working title: The Only Thing Not Gay About Me is My Attraction to Women) and couldn't make today's re-cap, so you're just going to have to put up with me. After weeks of wading in tepid waters, the Idols finally stepped it up by feelin' a little bit country with the music of Shania Twain, probably because Tim Urban wasn't around to make boils spontaneously pop up all over my body. I was a fan of Shania's mentoring, probably because she cougared it up with letdown John Park during auditions. In fitting fashion, she was wearing a blue sparkle cardigan considered formal wear in the condominiums of Boca Raton. But I do love Shania (even though I never knew how Canadian she really was, clearly lessening my opinion of her. Eh.). As she said, she lived these songs, she wrote these songs. And man, if you don't believe she feels like a motherfucking woman, that you can kiss her maple leaf emblazoned ass. Lee Dewyze turned down the schmuck a bit for slow-building "You're Still the One." He was epileplitcally shaky at first and the bigger he got, the more generic he sounded, but goddamnit if he's not a B101 hit waiting to happen. Seriously, your mom is gonna love him. Big Mike went back to the wheelhouse with "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing." Something wrong with him? Why'd he start on the steps like that? He looked massive — Jabba the Hutt singing a shitty Broadway version of a mediocre song. The whole thing was overwrought, this style:

The judges were nursing a huge hard-on for Casey James' rendition of "Don't!" but I wasn't buying it. Like Tommy and I have said before and Ellen mentioned this week, Casey reminds me more and more of Bob Seger (Silver Bullet!) every week. Soon, Casey James will be soundtracking Ford comercials all over the place(no disrepect to the Seg. Dude's got a make living). But it never reached Seger-style passion, so I don't get why Kara thought he felt that he connected to the song. Probably hoping for a handy after the show. The four tops weren't feeling Powersox for the first time. But if Lee is B101, then Powersox is WXPN — safe and friendly and ripping the bong in between air time. To everyone who bitched that Baby Gaga Lilly Scott got kicked off the show too early, remember that this is the shit she was gonna pull every week. Also how cute was her BF's t-shirt?

Note to Powersox's paramore: Lock it down. Now. Aaron Kelly turned up the Eeeeew by signing "You've Got a Way" to his mom, rather than an intended lover. I'm feeling a little Groundhog Day with Aaron. I've seen him do this before. He's got a lot in common with Punxsutawney Phil: Both hail from the great state of Pennsylvania, both have tiny rodent-like features and both attract people who like to wear holiday-themed sweaters. But Aaron doesn't have Bill Murray. And if I learned anything from Charlie's Angels, it's that Bill Murray makes even the insufferable slightly tolerable (that, and Drew Barrymore's boobs). Siobhan Magnus has picked up this weird, pseudo-Arsenio hand motion that I'm not feeling mainly because I'm worried it's a message to her underlings to ready the spaceship. But I totally dug her version of "Any Man of Mine." Everyone else seemed to forget that Shania is pop star just as much as she's a country star. And what is American Idol without enough pop to give ya a toothache?

Tommy Button

Posted 2010-04-28 15:52:02

thanks for explaining my absence, molly. unfortunately, we're going through some serious re-writes of HALF-GAY. it turns out the "half" part may get cut and the story will focus mostly on aaron kelly.

SPEAKING OF....kara's comment about aaron's presumed virginity (im assuming she was talking about the 'p' in the 'v' kind of virginity) made me almost like her.  which was the opposite effect ellen's "twain" jokes. yes, ellen, it sounds like 'train' only with a lisp. other than that, i think everyone did a bang up job. and it's bout fuckin time.

anyway, i was pissed about not getting to blog so i hijacked the comments board. i think it like it better, anyway. you don't even have to think about grammar. not like i really do in the first place.

Lindsey

Posted 2010-04-28 17:51:01

Bob Seger was probably like "Oh, I'm already super badass and awesome. And now they want to use my song in a commercial? Normally I'd think that was lame, but I'm Bob motherfucking Seger and I'm gonna show everyone that you can still be a super badass and have your song in a commercial."

Bob Seger for life!!

Celine Dion

Posted 2010-04-28 19:06:42

Ok, so I was with you for everything except for the whole lessening your opinion of something cause it's Canadian. If Idol did an entire show dedicated to Rush, you'd think it was awesome. Would the fact they're Canadian change that? Uh, I don't think so.

Lindsey

Posted 2010-04-29 14:16:34

I'm pretty sure molly or tommy would not think a show dedicated to rush was awesome. the band or neil young, sure. but certainly not rush.

Lindsey

Posted 2010-04-30 14:38:29

oh, also, shiobhan, i've got your first album cover for you!

close up  of the side of her face holding her finger up like she is whispering (SHHH) and then just bhan.

genius!

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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