IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Boston auditions

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Boston auditions

POSTED: Wednesday, January 13, 2010, 5:50 PM

Filed Under: TV | Idol Hands Watch

We like American Idol. Too much.

...Ladies and gentleman, this is American Idol

Tommy Button: My expectations for this season of American Idol are so high I might just drink a jar of acid if it disappoints. Can you really live with my blood on your hands, Simon? Of course you could. And that's why you're the best.

Molly Eichel: Last year — for all of its Gay Pixie Dust Clusterfuck Vs. Wonder Bread with an Acoustic showdowns — was kind of a disappointment. Other than the glorious Danny Gokey, there was no one I really championed. And I mostly liked Gokes because of his dead wife.

TB: If you haven't been keeping up with the off-season news, allow me to drop some knowledge: Every season the producers of AI tinker with the format in their unrelenting pursuit of pop perfection but Season 9 will bring some unprecedented changes. Paula Abdul's off the show, most likely because they stopped stocking Bloody Mary's and Quaaludes in the green room. But in her place will be America's favorite non-porn star lesbian, Ellen Degeneres (although she won't be taking her seat at the judges table until Hollywood week.) And quite possibly the saddest news of late, this will be Simon Cowell's farewell season and he better be out for blood. It's about time Simon Cowell slapped a contestant. The man has nothing left to lose. This is the season to turn up the asshole all the way to 11. Shit, I know I will.

Boston Auditions

TB: American Idol kicked off it's ninth season in Boston, Massachusetts. The first contestant said "friggin' ahhsome" at least twice in her audition. She also used the American Idol video game as a testament to her singing ability. Annnnnd that's all I have to say about Boston. Really though, the talent was pretty slim in Bean Town but all the better. It just made Ashley Rodriguez look like the fucking champ she is. She came out looking like a super fox and had the chops to back it up. The only thing that could possibly of made her better was if she had a Maddy Curtis story (she's the 16-year-old Hollywood hopeful whose parents, after giving birth to a child with Down's Syndrome, adopted two more also with Down's. Fuck you, Sarah Palin.) Here's Maddy:

Anyway. Ashley Rodriguez: Sure thing.

ME: Ashley does have chops and so many people butcher the song she did — "If I Ain't Got You" by Alycia Keyes — but lemme give a shout out to my girl, GFS-grad Claire Fuller. She was in it for maybe 20 seconds but she's from Philly and was solid (she's at about 6:55 of Maddy's video). I also loved Amadeo Dirrico doing "Hootchie Coochie Man." His name literally means for the love of god. Dude probs won't make it in the Top 12 — he's not attractive enough and his voice isn't controlled enough— but I love his personality. He also revealed Kara's inner Guidette when she responded with that "I bet your mom makes a mean sauce" comment (no Kara, I bet she makes a mean gravy). Plus, bonus points to Idol producers for the shot of the pile of Italian men post-Amadeo's Golden Ticket-win set to "Funiculi, Funicula" (thanks Charlie), which is a song about how fun it is to ride a train about a mountainside ... but will now forever be associated in my mind with jumping in a large pile of sweaty, Italian men. Or what Tommy likes to call Monday night. Here's the clip of Amadeo because I love him:

TB: Besides its lack talent, Boston also had a lack of weirdos. I mean, sure, it's got you're run of the mill weirdos but nothing spectacular. Just you're average delusional contestant set to take the world by storm only to be berated by the rich and famous.

ME: Let's not forget anime freak Mary Doyle, who is clearly into cosplay. Or Andrew Fenlon who responded to the question "Why are you here?" With "I'm here auditioning for American Idol. That should be fairly obvious." He's single , ladies!

TB: My favorite was the "holla" kid — aka, Pat Ford. I'm going to go easy on him, though because I'm pretty sure Randy called him a loser after he sang. Here's his segment:

Yeah. Randy Jackson just called that kid a loser. He at least had some moves.

ME: Yeah, but Randy also said he would want to hang out with that kid. In what fucked up Terry Gilliam universe is Randy Jackon's straight chillin' with Derry, N.H.'s Pat Ford? But I'll hang with you Pat. Call me!

Judges' Table

In which Tommy and Molly judge guest judge Victoria Beckham

TB: Before tonight I don't think I've ever heard David Beckham's wife speak — Posh or whatever. She was actually really charming, nice and a good counter balance to the endless bottom of suck that is Kara DioGuardi, who seemed to suck even more without Paula. That was the only thing missing this year — vibeology. Ten minutes in and I was already jonesing for the ol' boozehound. I even wept a little when a contestant mistook Kara for Paula. If only...

ME: I would have liked Victoria Beckham more if SHE ATE A MOTHERFUCKING CHEESEBURGER. Seriously, give Karen Carpenter over there a ham sandwich and I'd be much happier with her performance as a judge.

TB: The return of Idol was like the sex after a long time apart--a little sloppy and rushed but still feels good to be in the arms of someone you love. A couple more fucks and we'll find the groove again, don't you worry.

Posted 2010-01-14 15:22:01

stuuupid

Jessie Bikel

Posted 2010-01-13 15:46:25

9 seasons to many, would rather eat a cheesesteak while watching biggest loser any day.

Lucky

Posted 2010-01-13 15:08:34

You cannot be serious, Tommy, about Posh. What did she say? 10 words the entire night? You must be kidding.

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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