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We like American Idol. Too much.
Molly Eichel: First off, let's talk about how someone has finally put my immense talent to good use: Spike Eskin from WYSP asked me to participate on his Idol podcast. Yes, be jealous. Listen as I discuss the episode at length, feign shock at the break-up of Fall Out Boy and try my darndest not to say fuck every other word.
Tommy Button: Molly, I always said you had a face for radio. And a personalty for public radio! But seriously, folks. I've been working on my radio voice for at least two weeks and I think I got it down pat. Prepare to have your eardrums sexed real good in the coming weeks.
Denver Auditions
TB: So, American Idol kicked off Black History Month by featuring one of the whitest cities in America. Sorry, Seattle.
ME: Yes, but how many cities can make that many "rocks" puns? I love a good rock pun. Denver rocks, Rocktober ... Naw, fuck it, they suck.
TB: J.D. Salinger (R.I.P.) once said something about sitting above a trap door and maybe, at some point, it might give way and he would disappear. If only there had been a trap door in Denver last night. Denver was a super yawn-fest for me and that only has a little to do with how much LOST blew my mind and more with the fact it was Becks' second round at the judges table. I felt like I had already seen this episode.
ME: Right, they kept telling us how great everyone in Mile High was but I didn't see that much that blew my mind. I was also disappointed that it was Becks, again too. While I had to wait to see his episode, NPH was clearly the strongest judge. Becks was in the words of Randy "My hideously-colored orange shirt matches my watch" Jackson: "It was just awright, dawg."
TB: According to the montage and omnipotent Seacrest voice over, Denver was supposed to be some sort of beacon of talent but I didn't see it. Ever since Obama rolled through town Denver acts like it shit doesn't stink. The thin air was getting to the judges head's. Especially Becks. You need a hearty bangers and mash before you make a trek like that, mum. It seemed like anybody could get in. So while Denver made a splash this week I'm sure it'll just ripple off and Elway will once again be the only thing to come out of Denver that was worth a damn. Because God knows Rocky Mountain oysters haven't made a name for you yet.
ME: This ep showed what I've always hated about Idol: The proliferation of White Girl Voice. Much like the girls who are usually cursed with it: It's too thin, kind of a bitch and is only awesome in small doses. Like Kimberly Kerbow.
What really worried me about Kimberly wasn't her White Girl Voice, so much as her awful wig. How terrible does her real hair look if she thought polyester hair was ok? I'm going to go ahead and assume in the morning that she looks like this:
TB: One of my favorites was that little ball of YEAH!: Haeley Vaughn. If I didn't say it earlier, I'm saying it now that it's a girls year. And it's not just a girl's year, it's a COUNTRY year!!! Haeley had a lot and then some. Her voice is so different than her look but she's so confident in the way she sings. Look out, Charlie Pride.
ME: Agreed! Haeley's already a favorite of mine for the Top Twelve. What excites me so much about Haeley is that while she wants to sing country, she doesn't only have to sing country. She's got the same thing that Patsy had: She's got twang but also soul. Plus, sob story much? Preemie baby, dead dad. Man, if there's one thing this show teaches us, it's that life sucks.
TB: Besides Haeley I thought there was only one other stand out — Mark Labriola. He came out looking a little like the Fly wearing a dumb hat but ended up impressing. He even told his crazy, Runaway Mom story candidly instead of the usual "My life has been a struggle" mumbo-jumbo. Really though, Mark seems like the perfect candidate to grow. He has what it takes but Hollywood is all about keeping your head above water and nothing sinks faster than a goofball.
ME: Yeah, he had an okay voice but he sounded really nervous and out of breath the entire time. Honestly, what I liked most about Mark was his adorable kid. I'll be shocked if he makes it out the semifinals. Still, I was kind of hoping at the end that Mark would end the sentence "This is for my mom who couldn't be here" with "because she's in prison." Then he could commune with Prison Matt!
TB: Even Denver's crazy people were sub-par. However, "long snapper" (I think we all know what that means), aka Paul Austin, made a pretty strong impression. Merely because he embodies what I love to see fail.
Believe it or not, America, I played football. I was a center. A center. Even I fucked with the long snapper. And I had another guy's hands beneath my balls all afternoon. But it was the quarterback's hands...
ME: I'm going to say with 85 percent certainty that he has a small penis. He drives a motherfucking moped for chrissake.
Judges' Table
ME: What was about with Becks' eye make-up both nights? It all got a little "Hey, baby, you want a date?"
TB: There isn't much I have to say about Victoria Beckham that a nutritionist hasn't said already. So I'll just leave at that.
Tommy, You stole that radio joke from Aaron. Shame.
Well you totally omitted the real lady standout of the night, guys. WAY TO GO.
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