IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Ellenwood

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Ellenwood

POSTED: Wednesday, February 10, 2010, 7:34 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV | Idol Hands Watch

We like American Idol. Too much.

"Hollywood is a disgusting town." —Ellen Degeneres

Tommy Button: The first three weeks of American Idol are basically a parade of goons and crazy people bookended by some talent right after the commercial break. But this. This is serious. Hollywood week is where the pant-splitting antics won't cut it anymore and if you suck, it's time to look into the eyes of the four-headed monster and accept your fate. However, one of those heads belongs to one of the most absolutely charming people ever! Ellen Degeneres has pretty much everything: She's funny, she's smart AND she thinks its cool to wear jeans and a jean jacket!

Molly Eichel: Propensity for the Canadian Tuxedo aside, Tommy, you're my favorite male lesbian.

TB: The stand out of the whole first day was Compton native Andrew Garcia with his Allen-esque rendition of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up." If anything, he was the most honest of any of the contestants. He was comfortable and he was feeling it. Kris Allen pulled this shit like this out around Top 10 so if this is what Andrew has to offer for the first day of Hollywood, he'll be awesome in the Top 5. That's right. Top 5. I'm calling it.

ME: GangDad Andrew came up with something vastly different than anyone else and I'lld remember him for that. But that's what I don't get about Hollywood week: If you know exactly what you're in for (singing a capella or with your own musical accompaniment for the judges) wouldn't you come up with something that would blow each and every judge's boxes?

TB: Haley Vaughn (the black Carrie Underwood) is another sure thing. I'd bet the farm on that little ray of country sunshine.

ME: If this girl doesn't go Top 12, I may have to rethink my Idol love/move to Mozambique to further avoid the idiocy of the American people. The producers are giving her a ton of camera time though, so I think they're also digging her and considering that Idol is fixed to a certain degree, this is def a good sign. Other high lights for me included Didi Benami, who sounded shitty and shaky at first and then pulled it out at the end. And Dreads Mom Crystal Bowersox, who along with her amazing last name, is totally adorable but desperately needs some Crest White Strips. This is Idol in 2010, baby, and we're living in an HD Nation.

TB: Yet for every sunny day, some rain must fall. It was a sad day for Mr. Skiiboski who, in this humble fan's opinion, was fucking robbed. Sure, he wasn't that great and kind of obnoxious but you can't tell me this man was not good for another day in Hollywood or at least a round in the group audition. Skiiboski, baby, was never gunna make it, sure, but he still got shortchanged.

ME: RIP's Skiiboski's 15 minutes. We hardly knew ye.

TB: Unlike auditions, there are no real crazies so everyone who doesn't get through is just kind of bad. The only loser screen time we get is seeing those bright eyed hopefuls from the past few weeks go home with their shattered dreams. A particularly tough one for me to see leave was Vanessa Wolfe. I can't even look at her without sobbing like a little bitch. But tonight she sucked. I don't think she is in a constant state of suck, but her nerves got the best of her and she just blew it. American Idol is great for the few who make it far but there are others who probably get more out of one day than the winners get out of the whole shebang. Vanessa Wolfe is one of these people.

ME: I, too, was sad to see her go but if I learned anything from watching this show, it's that American Idol is a cruel bitch of a mistress. You just weren't meant for stardom Vanessa, but with a boob job and a manageable alcohol problem, you could be the best stripper your backwater Tennessee town has ever seen. The real tragedy here is Big Mike Lynche, who missed his child's birth to take the Idol stage. Then his dad went blabbing to the local papes about his son's good fortune and the Idol producers kicked him off the show. See, cruel bitch.

Judges' Table

ME: I dug Ellen as a judge. She has this nicey-nice persona as a comedian, but she wasn't afraid to tell it like it is. Even when Paula was being a bitch, she masked it in enthusiastic niceties or vodka-infused slurring.

TB: I don't even feel like I can write about Ellen Degeneres without getting goosebumps and giggling like a school girl. My hearts all a flutter! OH, I hope she likes me back! I don't want to make any rash decisions here because we are in the honeymoon phase still, but she might just be my personal new fave over Randy Jackson. Now, the two as a team — I can get behind that all the way. Simon leaving will destroy the show but replacing him will destroy it faster. Especially if it's Howard Stern. Fuck that guy. Ellen should just take his spot and be Randy's PIC (partner in crime.) They can make fun of Kara, talk about pussy. It'll be great.

What Language!

Posted 2010-02-11 22:09:44

Sorry, but I quit reading your review because of your foul language! Is that supposed to be impressive?

high speed card

Posted 2010-02-11 04:51:37

one day than the winners get out of the whole shebang. Vanessa Wolfe is one of these people.

Posted by Molly Eichel @ 7:34 PM Permalink | Post a comment

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