IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Fall of the House of Usher

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Fall of the House of Usher

POSTED: Wednesday, March 31, 2010, 9:52 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV Idol Hands

We like American Idol. Too much. ME: So Usher takes on the Idol for R&B/Soul night. TB: I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, but I only where my shades indoors when I'm really high or really annoyed. He seemed to be in good spirits though, so I'm just gunna assume Usher was blazing the whole time. ME: He may have been digging it but I thought it was so long. Did this show feel like Silly Putty being pulled until it just sinks in the middle? Let's speed it up, people. You aren't as witty as you think you are and two hours takes up a lot of my time ... to watch other TV shows. TB: I still don't understand how there can be fewer and fewer contestants each week but the show gets longer and longer. If AI insist on jamming 90 minutes of bullshit down my throat they could find something a little less awkward than the post performance interview. ME: I actually like those. TB: Sure, it seems like a good idea but then there is always that one terrible person who refuses to talk so we get to see them cry while being stalked by a camera. ME: Unlike Andrew Garcia, who just thanked his momma for birthing him after that amazing performance of Chris Brown's "Forever." Finally, finally he's coming back. It's not "Straight Up" but Chris Brown is no Paula either. I'm so glad he's back in the game, even if it is due to a misogynist little cum sucker. Also, isn't this song about gum? TB: The best song about sweets since Van Halen wrote "Ice Cream Man!" In the greater context of all-time best American Idol performances, Andrew Garcia's performance is a ripple in the pond but in the context of Andrew Garcia performances this was fucking Mozart. ME: Sue me, but I also liked Lee Dewyze's "Treat Her Like a Lady." He made a very old-fashioned song current. Aw, Lee remember when I liked you that one week? Nostalgia! I like you again! But when he pushes his voice real hard — like many middling rock singers before him, from Eddie Vedder to Chris Cornell — he sounds like he's pushing out a giant poop. TB: He also looked like he was pushing out a turd too. But turd face aside he did pretty well for himself. For once I didn't think he was just another lame white guy! ME: Of course, the real shitter of the night was Tim Urban. Fuck, I don't even remember what song he did because he makes me seethe with rage. I thoroughly enjoyed how Usher was trying to subtlety say that Tim is terrible. But this week was going to be the death of Tim Urban as it is. It's hard to fake soul and when you're an empty vessel built to promote Crest white strips and abstinence. TB: I hate Tim Urban, and seeing his failure is one of the last joys in my life. But that joy means nothing when America still votes for him. I've gotta the same about Siobhan Magnus' "Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. I usually hate on Siobhan, you know, because she's so fucking weird. But whenever she uses "wicked" in a sentence I want to fall in love a little bit. But then again, when she sings like she sang last night, I suddenly want to headbutt a unicorn. I'm actually pretty pleased she did so poorly because it finally validated my weeks of Siobhan shit-talking. ME: I'm glad Usher told her to keep those outfits in check. And to her credit, her face and hair were beautiful. Too bad the rest of her was a hot mess, from the boots to her weird toga dress to her voice. Not good. But I knew Siobhan wasn't going to do well this time. The banshee wail isn't that impressive when she's dealing with an original singer who has a legit voice. Her sister-in-hot-mess-arms? Didi Benami. Didi needs to keep her emotions in check. It's not funny anymore. Like, you're on American Idol. Not a character in Beaches. I would have heard this performance at my high school talent show and later in the week, someone would have written "Didi licks balls" or something in the bathroom. TB: Somebody give Didi a whamburger and some french cries so she'll shut the fuck up. Thankfully, the performance was the least uncomfortable part of Didi's possible last moments on Idol. Seacrest was there to grill Didi about her song choice for her dead friend to the point that she almost cried. ME: Um, did you check out the Didicrest action? He wouldn't let go of her hand. Gross, Seacrest, keep it in your pants. I guess that's this season's theme, though, 'cause everyone is still stroking it for Casey James who did Sam and Dave's "Hold On, I'm Coming." Great song choice, he sounded solid but I still don't think singer's like him exist anymore. There's a reason Johnny Lang isn't famous, and it's not because I don't have a major boner for him. TB: Last week I actually gave Casey props for whipping out a little Huey Lewis, but really, this day in age Huey is pretty much only good for weddings and bar mitzvahs. I let Casey slide because if he had played "The Power of Love" at my wedding, I would have ended up marrying him that day. But this week, performing "Hold On, I'm Coming" started to push the cheese factor to the tipping point. ME: Let's continue that dairy metaphor while discussing Katie Stevens' version of "Chain of Fools," shall we Tom-Tom? I think she sounded fine but she was like that Skinny Cow faux-ice cream goop my mom eats. It tastes okay, it's not bad for you, you just really wish you were eating a triple scoop with banana split. Covered in whipped cream. TB: I still think she's caught a bad case of the boring whiteys. Maybe someone like Big Mike can sit her down and help her get over her whiteness. Because he's a good singer, guys ... He can tutor her ... He's clearly on a war path now and taking no prisoners. He plays the nice guy, but he knows what he's doing. He's in it to win it. ME: I heaved a heavy sigh of relief when I heard he was doing "Ready for Love" by India.Arie. He could have gone so safe with this song choice, this is his wheel house but instead he went outside the box. Did he blow it out the box? Box annihilated. Know who else I kinda dug? Aaron Kelly's "Ain't No Sunshine," but that may be for song choice rather than song. He's nowhere near the best but I don't hate the little Keebler Elf anymore. TB: In a night full of ups and downs, Aaron landed right in the middle for me. 'Meh' is the closest word in the English language that describes how I felt about that whole thing. ME: Must we repeat another up, though? Crystal Bowersox doing "Midnight Train to Georgia." Powersox and the Pips. BAM. TB: Saturn is the least dense planet in the solar system. It has a density of 0.687 grams/cubic centimeter. Just for comparison, water is 1 g/cm³ and the Earth is 5.52. Since Saturn is less dense than water, it would actually float like an apple if you could find a pool large enough. Just thought I'd throw in some information you didn't know rather than repeat how awesome Powersox is.

Jessie Bikel

Posted 2010-04-01 08:58:57

Is America going to ruin this for everyone?  Why is that Tim weirdo still around?  Crystal should already be making a record, what are your thoughts on the odds that she doesn't win and thus crushes my soul?

Celine Dion

Posted 2010-04-01 11:59:39

Don't worry -- after idol Tim Urban will become a US postal worker and will wind up going on a killing spree.

Posted by Molly Eichel @ 9:52 PM Permalink | Post a comment

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