IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Fanastic Mr. Foxx

We like American Idol. Too much. Molly Eichel: Seacrest started off the night by introducing everyone with a close-up of each face in the background. I wish when they focused on the contestants' mugs, their faces morphed into one another like in the "Black or White" video. Either way,this is your top four, people. Tommy Button: The top four are real clusterfuck this year. Powersox is really the only player in the game still with the chops to be here but a big part of her success has been the sucking of others. ME: Know who doesn't suck: Jamie Foxx. I forgot that Jamie Foxx just spouts out vague platitudes that don't really mean anything. Next time he comes on, we should play a drinking game: Take a shot every time he mixes a metaphor? TB: I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his head tattoo. It takes a special kind of retarded to get a tattoo on your skull so seeing Jamie Foxx half an inch from sticking his tongue in Lee Dewyze's mouth wasn't much of a shocker. ME: Ugh, Lee's "Kissed by a Rose" was Rip Van Winkle-boring. They keep talking about how he has this great voice for radio. But would I stop the radio dial if I heard this? No. But I do for Seal because I enjoy epic songs that don't make sense. And large penises. TB: You suck. Put on your 'Contestant' T-Shirt. Unless, Jamie Foxx wants to whip you up a 'Douche' shirt real quick. ME: While Big Mike may have deserved the Contestant shirt for his lukewarm "Will You Be There" from Free motherfuckin' Willy (alright, but not Idol-worthy), I'm gonna go with Artist because the poor guy is a sitting duck, which is especially heartbreaking because his only goal was to make it into the top three. He's going home tonight and nothing short of a Jesus rising from the dead for a duet would help him. TB: Mike, I'm afraid America is going to do to you what those nasty aquarium people wanted to do to Willy. Too bad there are no starry-eyed white boys to save you. ME: Then the duets! Powersox and Lee -- TB: Bowerweyze. ME: Okay, Tommy, Bowerweyze did "Falling Slowly" from Once. TB: The duets were about one bajillion times better than the solos. ME: I agree but I think their voices didn't fit well together. And Lee came out on top while Powersox wasn't done justice. TB: Disagreed. I don't know if they were more comfortable or having more fun, but no one could seem to stand on their own last night. I thought Bowerweyze did nice job with that number. I could see those two drunk in a bar singing that song then making out in an alley. ME: I think their biggest asset was their song choice. Unlike Casey James who did "Mrs. Robinson." That was a stupid song choice. Too iconic to be fucked with like that. TB: I actually thought Casey had the best song choice of the night and had he maybe sexxxed it up a little more or just fucking tried. I suspect Casey has made his way through a number of cougars so I expected a little more. ME: See, you agree. He doesn't take this seriously. Every time I see him smile, it looks like he doesn't give a shit about American Idol and just wants to be banging the bongos McConaughey-style. TB: The really stupid song choice was Powersox's "I'm Alright." I like Caddyshack and cowbells as much as the next American but give me a fucking break. The only reason that song is so popular is because it's synonymous with the image of a dancing gopher. ME: Are you kidding? That was amazing! She took a totally ridiculous song and made it legit. Goddamn, I wanna hear "Danger Zone" next. But what was more amazing was Powersox's boyfriend's pants: American flag pants! One leg was stars, the other was bars. TB: Touche, Mr. Powersox. Next up, "Have you Ever Loved a Woman" by Casey and Big Mike. Or Big Masey Lames. ME: Oh Tommy, I'm embarrassed for you. That was nice but I still would have rather heard Casey/Lee and Big Mike/Crystal. TB: Ladies, Big Mike and Casey James are here ... and they want to fuck you. Or maybe just each other. Lindsey Posted 2010-05-12 17:46:50

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Fanastic Mr. Foxx

POSTED: Wednesday, May 12, 2010, 8:30 PM

Filed Under: TV Idol Hands

We like American Idol. Too much. Molly Eichel: Seacrest started off the night by introducing everyone with a close-up of each face in the background. I wish when they focused on the contestants' mugs, their faces morphed into one another like in the "Black or White" video. Either way,this is your top four, people. Tommy Button: The top four are real clusterfuck this year. Powersox is really the only player in the game still with the chops to be here but a big part of her success has been the sucking of others. ME: Know who doesn't suck: Jamie Foxx. I forgot that Jamie Foxx just spouts out vague platitudes that don't really mean anything. Next time he comes on, we should play a drinking game: Take a shot every time he mixes a metaphor? TB: I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his head tattoo. It takes a special kind of retarded to get a tattoo on your skull so seeing Jamie Foxx half an inch from sticking his tongue in Lee Dewyze's mouth wasn't much of a shocker. ME: Ugh, Lee's "Kissed by a Rose" was Rip Van Winkle-boring. They keep talking about how he has this great voice for radio. But would I stop the radio dial if I heard this? No. But I do for Seal because I enjoy epic songs that don't make sense. And large penises. TB: You suck. Put on your 'Contestant' T-Shirt. Unless, Jamie Foxx wants to whip you up a 'Douche' shirt real quick. ME: While Big Mike may have deserved the Contestant shirt for his lukewarm "Will You Be There" from Free motherfuckin' Willy (alright, but not Idol-worthy), I'm gonna go with Artist because the poor guy is a sitting duck, which is especially heartbreaking because his only goal was to make it into the top three. He's going home tonight and nothing short of a Jesus rising from the dead for a duet would help him. TB: Mike, I'm afraid America is going to do to you what those nasty aquarium people wanted to do to Willy. Too bad there are no starry-eyed white boys to save you. ME: Then the duets! Powersox and Lee -- TB: Bowerweyze. ME: Okay, Tommy, Bowerweyze did "Falling Slowly" from Once. TB: The duets were about one bajillion times better than the solos. ME: I agree but I think their voices didn't fit well together. And Lee came out on top while Powersox wasn't done justice. TB: Disagreed. I don't know if they were more comfortable or having more fun, but no one could seem to stand on their own last night. I thought Bowerweyze did nice job with that number. I could see those two drunk in a bar singing that song then making out in an alley. ME: I think their biggest asset was their song choice. Unlike Casey James who did "Mrs. Robinson." That was a stupid song choice. Too iconic to be fucked with like that. TB: I actually thought Casey had the best song choice of the night and had he maybe sexxxed it up a little more or just fucking tried. I suspect Casey has made his way through a number of cougars so I expected a little more. ME: See, you agree. He doesn't take this seriously. Every time I see him smile, it looks like he doesn't give a shit about American Idol and just wants to be banging the bongos McConaughey-style. TB: The really stupid song choice was Powersox's "I'm Alright." I like Caddyshack and cowbells as much as the next American but give me a fucking break. The only reason that song is so popular is because it's synonymous with the image of a dancing gopher. ME: Are you kidding? That was amazing! She took a totally ridiculous song and made it legit. Goddamn, I wanna hear "Danger Zone" next. But what was more amazing was Powersox's boyfriend's pants: American flag pants! One leg was stars, the other was bars. TB: Touche, Mr. Powersox. Next up, "Have you Ever Loved a Woman" by Casey and Big Mike. Or Big Masey Lames. ME: Oh Tommy, I'm embarrassed for you. That was nice but I still would have rather heard Casey/Lee and Big Mike/Crystal. TB: Ladies, Big Mike and Casey James are here ... and they want to fuck you. Or maybe just each other.

Lindsey

Posted 2010-05-12 17:46:50

Molly, morphing faces are the worst things ever!!! Need I remind you of the horrible Roseanne opening credits morph? And they do it on Two and Half Men too and it freaks the shit out of  me. 

And would America please vote Lee off the show already? God damn it, I can't stand that kid. Or maybe it's just my presumption that he loves all things jam band/dave matthews band related and I can not, and will not, get behind that. 

And Idol aside, Kenny Loggins was made to make songs for movies. They are always the best!

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