IDOL HANDS: American Idol, From Boyz II Men

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, From Boyz II Men

POSTED: Thursday, March 11, 2010, 8:59 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass

We like American Idol. Too much.

Tommy Button: For the first time since we got outta Hollywood I think the boys did better than the girls. After Seacrest's infinite intro I thought this episode was doomed for failure. But the boys appeared to have become men. Stools and acoustic guitars aside, I offer you my commendation, gentlemen.

Molly Eichel: Are you deaf?! Last night was awful. Everyone rocked the same singer-songwriter bullshit with little-to-no innovation. I feel like Amber after Cher gives that speech in debate class in Clueless. "Hello! Was anyone listening? I thought it wreaked." Tommy, I'm honestly rethinking our American Idol BFF status.

TB: Molly, you ignorant slut. It's you saying things like that that make me wanna smack you around. You know I only do it because I love you. Now, let the men talk so we can get down to business.

ME: The only person who came close to Powersox yesterday was Michael "Big Mike" Lynche's extraordinary version of Maxwell's "This Women's Work." I'm glad he's figured out that he's more neo-soul than white boy folk rock.

TB: At least we agree on that. Finally, Big Mike put down that pussy acoustic guitars and brought out the big guns. He made Kara, Satan's bride in the frozen ninth circle of hell, cry. She cried real human tears. I don't believe it. Big Mike obviously gets a huge seal of approval from me. I was falling off the Mike train but this performance got me right back on board. And even though it feels wrong to say it, Lee Dewyze was probably the other alpha dog of the night. I don't think I'm ever gonna be 100 percent about this guy but he had a better night than anybody besides Big Mike so fair play to you, Lee Dewyze. Live in this moment, because I will probably never give it to you again.

ME: Ick, really? So not feeling Lee this week. I think he either needs to be amazing or I'm just gonna ignore him and he deserved to be ignored this week. I don't know what it is about him, but he I always picture him giving Aaron Kelly wedgies and sticking his head in the toilet.

TB: Look, Lee Dewyze is a perfectly nice fella with a good voice for the radio but who listens to the radio? Sure, hands down one of the best performances of the night but I just don't like him that much. Whatever, call it personal taste but Lee Dewyze is not my bag.

ME: I also dug Alex Lambert doing Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble." But it didn't blow Ray's version out of the water. I think this was a so-so performance from someone who could do better. And boy musta gotta laid or something recently because his confidence is way up.

TB: Apparently, Alex can only be talked about in bananalogies. That being said, his song choice was a like a sweet plantain, like Maduros. His hair, on the other hand was unaPEELing. If you wanna be taken seriously as a Top12er, you gotta trim that mullet. On a similar note, Casey James was back on the stool doing his stooly thing. Out of all the guys who decided to whip out their axe, he pulled it off the best. That goes for the stool, as well.

ME: I think one of the reasons I wasn't on Team Casey this week was his show placement. By the time we got to Casey, I had stooly white boys and their guitars fatigue. but after seeing Tim Urban do yet another version of "Hallelujah" how could you not be?

TB: Shut up. Just shut up. And take back that Ellen hug. If you can't tell, I hate it when Tim Urban does a good job.

ME: Right?! Because it means people I like will get the boot, like Todrick Hall doing just okay with "Somebody to Love." A song Elliot Yamin killed during his season.

TB: I hate the way 'Todrick' is spelled. But I love Queen. Not sure how I feel about Todrick the person. The jazz hands definitely help him stand out in the crowd of weepy guitars. Just maybe not in a good way.

ME: But because Todrick did just good enough, he might edge out someone far more talented like Andrew Garcia who had a shitty week with "Genie in a Bottle." Look, dude, just because the pop starlet thing works once doesn't mean you need to keep doing it.

TB: Christina Aguiliera?! Wah?! I was trying to figure out how I really felt about that performance then the Iron Man 2 trailer came on. I wanna say I liked it but there were parts of that where I found myself on the fence. It's a shitty truth, but he has to top "Straight Up" otherwise it's just gonna haunt him. I don't know what he can do but he if he makes it this week, I'd say he's got one more tops to pull a Big Mike.

ME: God, at least he wasn't poor Aaron Kelly. I've hated on Aaron but he doesn't deserve the boot at this point. He's just too young. He's not there yet as an artist.

TB: Playing the stool card in the beginning was a bad first move. He hit his stride here and there but most of it was about as awkward as the next couple years of his life. There weren't any dude Paige Miles tonight so it's a little more difficult for me to choose a bottom two but I have put Aaron Kelly and Andrew Garcia on the chopping block.

ME: I don't know if Todrick has built up the necessary fanbase to make it to Top 12 because his other performances have licked donkey balls. He may be on his way out too.

TB: Really, I'd like to see Todrick and Tim hit the road, but that's just because I don't really like them. But my gut is telling me Aaron and Andrew. Or I just have to poop. Only time will tell...

Lauren Bacall

Posted 2010-03-11 21:29:22

You two need to take your act out on the road. Nicely done.

Posted by Molly Eichel @ 8:59 PM Permalink | Post a comment

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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