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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Gentleman's Club
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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Gentleman's Club
We like American Idol. Too much.
Tommy Button: I didn't watch last night as much as I rubbernecked. The men were demoted to boys after the first round made them her bitch. Thank God there were a few Alpha Dogs to lead the pack, otherwise this woulda been a complete waste of time. The whole show was all over the place. I didn't know what the fuck I was watching.
Molly Eichel: This was straight up embarrassing. For all my talk yesterday about how the girls didn't bring it, I would have kept my mouth shut if I had known they would put the boys to shame. The worst part is, there is no Angela Martin to mourn for; no one I thought who should have made Top 24 but didn't. I'm worried for Season 9. I truly am.
Todrick Hall — "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
TB: 'A' for effort and thats about it. Probably 'A-.'
ME: I like Todrick, he's got spunk and style and I'm excited to see what he does next. But he's more of a hyphenate, then just a singer. Don't listen to the haters that say he's going home.
Aaron Kelly — "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts
TB: Someone get this kid some ProActiv. I heard Jessica Simpson uses it, so you know its good. If Kevin Covais can land a role in College then Aaron Kelly is set for life. I really liked him a lot but Simon's right, kiddo needs to grow some sack. Stop saying 'thank you' for starters and get some smaller shirts.
ME: Blech, seriously? He could have taken it all if he had just waited a couple years instead of trying to push his voice farther than a 16-year-old should. This was like when Peter Brady's balls dropped in The Brady Bunch and all of a sudden he could sing.
TB: Right. but you can say that about any of the youngens in the group. I hope his voice hasnt fully matured seeing that he is only 16. You're right, he won't win or anything but he'll pull in some grandmas and 13-year-old girls that don't recognize that he's gay. I'm just saying he showed up some people with 10 years experience on him and thats impressive.
Jermaine Sellers — "Get Here" by Oleta Adams
TB: I hope the steam punk pallbearer outfit was supposed to be some sick joke about him digging his own grave. I thought the worst was over when he finished singing but it really all went to hell when he asked "Who is Michael?"
ME: Ellen said she liked his look but I think that's because she was only imagining herself in that outfit and she would look fantastic in a top hat and tails.
Tim Urban — "Apologize" by One Republic
TB: It is too late to apologize, good sir.
ME: Yes, he's terrible, and Vote for the Worst is giving him a kiss of death endorsement of the likes of Jermaine Sellers and John Park. But he looks like a boy I had a crush on in high school and I figure that's how most people vote so I'm down with Tim. Odd how they talked about how Time got a second chance call from the Idol producers but never mentioned Chris Golightly, the corkscrewed-haired boy bander who got the boot for a previous contract. Or because Tim Urban has better hair. You be the judge.
Joe Munoz — "You and I both" by Jason Mraz
TB: Well after the previous train wreck, this guy sounded okay. And the way things have been going, okay is a helluva compliment. Talk about great field position. He could have sung the alphabet and my ears would have thought it was genius after the Tim Urban massacre.
Tyler Grady — "American Woman" by the Guess Who
TB: Leather Pants-Neckerchief Horseface was about as cool as the nickname I just gave him. Speaking, of horses, he keeps beating this neo-hippie dead horse . Audition for Hair already or try something new.
ME: I hate to say it, y'know who would have killed this song? Adam Lambert. Know who didn't kill this song? Tyler Grady.
Lee Dewyze — Charsing Cars by Snow Patrol
TB: He sells paint and is about as fun as watching it dry.
ME: I know Lee Dewyze! Oh wait, no, he's just every seemingly sensitive, but secretly date-rapey, guy who brings his guitar to parties and makes panties drop with every poor rendition of "Stairway to Heaven." Five to 10 days later, the symptoms start and the party ain't so grand.
John Park — "God Bless the Child"
TB: The whole thing seemed a little awkward. The song. The chat with Ryan. In fact, this is so awkward I don't want to talk about it anymore. Hey, look over there! It's Big Mike! He's back!
ME: A standard? Christ. Idiot.
Michael "Big Mike" Lynch — "This Love" by Maroon 5
TB: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Big Mike's pit stains. They're the size of dinner plates. I know it's nerve racking and they're under the lights, but really, if you plan on doing some pointing just be conscious. Now that's out the way ... He did liven up the room but it still wasn't that good. When he gets through to next week, he needs to thank the sucky people around him.
ME: I loved this performance. This is what good Top 12 performances are about: getting the crowd going. He also removed everything I hate about this song (i.e. the lead singer of Maroon 5's voice) and replaced it with elements I like (i.e. his voice).
Alex Lambert — "Wonderful World" by James Morrison
TB: The last thing I would want after a clusterfuck like that is a hug from Kara. I feel like he might have seen into my soul the way he was staring into that camera.
ME: MULLET.
Casey James — "Heaven" by Bryan Adams
TB: Jesus. I haven't seen eye-fucking like that on TV since Johnny Carson and Dean Martin. I need a cigarette.
ME: Maybe it's the Olympics that has spurred my love for Canuck Bryan Adams, but I was no Casey James fan before this performance. Fantastic. Also: Whoever taught him about conditioner is a genius.
Andrew Garcia — "Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy
TB: I wanna say that this is just the anger from the Fall Out Boy song selection that's speaking, but I didn't really enjoy Andrew. I love him and it's hard to see him not be his best. But you know what, I'd vote from him if I didn't DVR the show.
ME: I wasn't so upset about the song choice. I figure Andrew's got Top 12 in the bag, if not Top 5. Why not save the magic for when it really counts?
Judges Table:
TB: Ellen kind of stumbled through that episode. She should just limit herself to one-liners. She has a talk show. Ellen chats you up and makes you feel awesome, not tell you how crappy you are. It's almost not fair for her having to placate douche after douche. It's depressing. I'm still gunna cut her some slack. It's her first season and she isn't on the steady diet of Cherry Vodka and pills that Paula was. It wasn't just her though, everyone was terrible. Simon was pissy in a bad way. Randy wasn't even laughing at how bad everyone was. Ellen looked like the fat kid on field day. And it's not like I give shit at all about what Kara says but when you got an awkward Ellen, an angry Simon and a blasé Dawg, it makes everything that much worse.
ME: These are the shows when I really miss Paula. When the performances are boring, you could at least count on P-Abs to say something ridiculous or least wear something ludicrous (well, this ep, Kara had that covered). I'm not opposed to American Idol doping. I'm just saying.
I watch American Idol everytime, but it is just because I am bored and not for the show.
American Idol is for me just fun to watch, but not really an outstandig tv-production.
Not that I'm here to defend assholes, and I think we can all agree this Tommy Button guy IS an asshole. But he said he liked Aaron Kelly and that he was impressive...so, if he likes Aaron and still decides to make a gay joke (because thats all I suspect it is) then what's your argument? There was no implication that only people who don't know he's gay could like him because Tommy likes him. Apparently you do too and you seem to get the same vibe.
To Tommy Button, You are an asshole, buddy. A total asshole. Your comment toward Aaron Kelly, "he'll pull in some grandmas and 13-year-old girls that don't recognize that he's gay," is what makes you an asshole. Your implication that only people who don't know he's gay could possibly like him is what makes you an asshole, boy. But I suspect you are already quite aware that you are an asshole. Otherwise, you would not feel the need to denigrate others. How's about being part of the SOLUTION and not the PROBLEM, asshole. Signed, A Person Who Hates Assholes
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