IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Hotlanta auditions

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Hotlanta auditions

POSTED: Thursday, January 14, 2010, 6:10 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV | Idol Hands Watch

We like American Idol. Too much.

Atlanta Auditions

Molly Eichel: The ATL is always fruitful for American Idol. Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson, Seacrest? All from the 404. I've always wondered what it is about Atlanta. The rich musical tradition of the American South? The myriad of opportunities for Coca-Cola product placement (ahhh!)? The roller skating?

Tommy Button: Let's cut the bullshit: Vanessa Wolfe. If you weren't completely moved by that then go ahead and wash down that bottle of Paxil with a fifth of Jack because you will never love anything ever. Now, I have a certain affinity for the South — an affinity I won't try to explain to anyone born above the Mason-Dixon. Vanessa was country in all the right ways. Even in the kind of fucked up grill that will totally get fixed when Taylor Swift gets too old, which is a time, let's face it, that is quickly approaching. Vanessa is what American Idol is all about. I am worried, however, that Hollywood will swallow her up. She needs to get a little swagger and a little sex. It sounds like a daunting task but twenty bucks says Vanessa Wolfe is the hottest piece of ass in wherethefuckever, Georgia. It should come naturally. As long as she doesn't think too much about the competition and keeps her head high she'll do fine. Still, nothing can ruin a good country girl like California.

ME: I have to agree with you, Tommy. She had the most interesting voice of the evening, kind of like Hot Tattoo Mom from last season but with an actual voice. And, too, I love "Wagon Wheel" by the Old Crow Medicine Show. But I'm worried that she'll end up getting lost in the Hollywood shuffle because she can't do the runs that other girls can do, like Keia Johnson who simply killed it with "My Heart Will Go On":

Those highligher pants were a bold move but, as Vanessa said, sometimes you need to take a risk or two in life. Just don't do it again. What Keia and Vanessa really represented, though, was the best part of this episode. Usually when a singer steps up to the plate, you can tell whether they are going to be good or not simply by looking at them. But this time around, all the fucknut weirdos seemed to pull it off. Like Skii Bo Ski, whose own shirt bearing his own moniker was spelled wrong and who apparently was tasered by police while strapped to a hospital gurney after admitting to swallowing crack. Already a winner, he could have been one of those squeaky freak outs but wasn't half bad.

Look, I said half bad.

TB: Also: Mr.Pants-On-The-Ground. Lookin' like an awesome man, Mr.Pants-On-The-Ground.
If I have to tell you this is the best thing ever, just stop reading. You're wasting everyone's time.

ME: Musical genius and civil rights crusader? General Larry Platt, I will buy whatever you're selling.

Judges' Table

In which Tommy and Molly judge guest judge Mary J. Blige

ME: First off, love the outfits she wore, especially that white, floor-length tube dress with the black belt. She could have given some style tips to Randy who decided wearing white pants was OK. Look, Dawg, I figure you taped this during the summer but the no white pants after Labor Day rule should sometimes be amended to no white pants ever.

TB: I love Mary J. Blige (referred to as 'MJB' from this point on.) Her random cell phone commercial appearance aside, MJB is a class act. And so damn cool. She was accommodating when necessary but MJB is real y'all — when you suck she's gonna laugh at you. She's basically woman Randy Jackson. And that's not because they're both black. Calm down, ya racists.

ME: Kara and Mary looked like two high school girls smoking their first J — all giggly, trying to hold in their laughter. It was kind of adorable. Do you think Paula woulda felt left out if she was there? Granted, I would have liked some more technical criticism from Mary J. but I'll forgive her because it was only auditions. They also introduced her as the Empress of Soul but I always thought that was Gladys Knight. Thoughts?

Josh

Posted 2010-01-14 22:54:45

MJB is the Queen of Hip-Hop/Soul!

Posted 2010-01-14 14:50:50

did anyone catch when skiiboski let mjb know that he thought she "looked pretty prepped already"? is that a horrible come-on? was he talking vagina?

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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