IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Inspiration!

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Inspiration!

POSTED: Wednesday, April 21, 2010, 8:17 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV Idol Hands

We like American Idol. Too much. Molly Eichel: Inspiration? Gag me with a spoon and then pull my innards out of my nostrils, please. Last night's show was anything but. Tommy Button: I dunno. If you're thinking about jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic, it just might give you the edge of inspiration you need to do the deed. ME: I was disappointed in mentor Alicia Keyes, who just seemed like a plastic PR machine. I'm gonna give her credit though, she was probably just thinking, "I've listened to these glorified Coca Cola advertisements fuck with my songs for years." Her payback was to pick up the phone, dial in some warm platitudes and say some stuff about helping other people to pimp Idol Gives Back, which airs tonight (egads! She has me doing it too!). Let's start from the very beginning, a very good place to start. TB: Casey James opened up the show with "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." If Fleetwood Mac worked for Bill Clinton, why not Casey James? ME: Because Clinton had balls, that's why. If the great Daniel Desario once posited that rock 'n' roll comes from your crotch, then Casey's performance demonstrated that he's a Ken doll with no angle to his dangle. There was no heart, no soul, no burning sexiness that even Lindsey fuckin' Buckinham has. Despite his luxurious Robert Plant locks, this performance proved that Casey is the frontman for a band where the drummer or something can go screw the kinky groupie Casey is too afraid of. Someone needs to do it. And I think that someone just might be Lee Dewyze at this point. TB: Lee Dewyze is inspiring the way Chicken Soup For The Soul is inspiring. I bet some fat chicks were crying out there during this one. ME: Singing Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer," Lee's confidence keeps growing — it's deserved, in part because this was one of his better showings. But, with that little date rape smirk, my inner ratio of wanting to throw a drink in his face as opposed to giving him a hug telling him it'll all gonna be okay is sincerely out of whack. Keep it in check Lee. Still, the best thing Lee did of the evening was make Tim Urban look even worse. TB: Tim had a few weeks of shots in the dark but he's back to his shitty self. 'Bout time. If you thought the Goo Goo Dolls could be any lamer, boy, were you wrong. ME: The Goo Goo Dolls ... Ha! So apt. Just like Tim Urban: All-style, no substance with unmerited designs on being more than just haircut. At least he didn't sing "Iris." My head would have exploded from sheer frustration. Kind of like it did last night with Aaron Kelly. Like Casey's song, this was just a dickless version of the "I Believe I Can Fly." Maybe Aaron just needs to pee on a few underage girls to get the chops necessary to sing this song. TB: First off, if you're gonna pick something from the Space Jam soundtrack, stick with the Quad City DJs. It was good to see him out-perform the likes of Tim Urban. And of course, A. Kelly was inspiring. Youth are always inspiring. ME: Continuing in the vein of soundtracks was Siobhan Magnus with that horrid song from The Prince of Egypt. TB: Siobhan's dress looked like that shitty Crazytown video. And her performance was also shitty like that Crazytown video. Or anything about Crazytown. ME: I suspected this was gone be cracked but then thought, maybe just maybe, the combined craziness of Mariah and Whitney had created a golem of divadom that became Siobhan. This was not correct. Instead, it was the song the heroine of musical sings in right before intermission that gets reprised again in the final love scene. Translation: Nicely sung, totally Broadway. But I guess that's better then a nicely sun canceled out by the fact that it was originally sung by Nickelback. TB: Big Mike was already voted off once so I hope he's built up some sort of emotional wall to help him cope getting kicked off a second time. ME: This was not the song to save yourself on BM. I'm worried for ya boy. Which brings us to the only reason I can still stomach watching this show without being heavily medicated. TB: Jesus, Powerox. Just, fucking Jesus. ME: That's pretty much all you can say. She gets a pass every week from us for being so good but that was beyond. Still, the best part was her dad, decked out in a motorcycle hat and sunglasses, he looked like he was leaving a leather bar. And that something as beautiful and earth shattering as Crystal Bowersox came out of that Village People-looking motherfucker is inspiring enough as it is.

Lindsey

Posted 2010-04-21 17:04:28

Least inspiring show about inspiration ever. And I love the Daniel Desario shout out, Molly (it was my away message for about 3 years. so glad you made me remember it now)!

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