IDOL HANDS: American Idol, O-Town auditions

POSTED: Thursday, January 21, 2010, 5:50 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV | Idol Hands Watch

We like American Idol. Too much.

Orlando Auditions

Tommy Button: I think it goes without saying that Florida is the worst state in the nation. Florida is essentially the worst parts of New Jersey and the worst parts of the South mashed up in the shape of an old man's lumpy penis. I mean, that's where Cougar Town is set. And while flaccid is an appropriate description of the Orlando auditions, there were a few bright spots.

Molly Eichel: Those are some strong words, Tommy. I take umbrage so you better watch yo'self. I like Cougar Town. But, yes, Florida is Redneck Eden and Orlando is its Tree of Trash.

TB: My two favorite go to the men. Seth Rollins — that ol' teddy bear — was such a big sweetheart and his voice was absolutely lovely. He made me wanna hug the TV. Fuck it. I'm not ashamed. I did hug the TV. But it might be his hugability that could lose it. The guy is huge but has no edge, like I feel like I could boss him around if I didn't love him so much. Believe it or not, there are actually people who would take advantage of this guy. Nice guy's finish last, Seth.

ME: By 'no edge,' do you mean fat? America doesn't like fat Idols, save for Reuben Studdard but that's all part of the Barry White-persona. And he's not famous anymore proving that no one gives a shit. Part of the reason I like American Idol is that it's purportedly at meritocracy — you'll go far if you work hard and have the talent. But what it really reveals is that its not a meritocracy at all — no matter what, Americans still want their celebs to be pretty to look at. Shed the pounds, Sethster, and you might have your shot at an Idol title.

TB: But really, the star for me was Prison Matt (aka Matthew Lawrence), so-called because he went to fucking prison. Probably, Juvee, seeing that he was 15 when he tried to rob a bank with a BB gun. I don't know if he's from Florida but the kind of people who try robbing banks with BB guns tend to end up there at some point. But I forgive his bonehead crime. He served his time and now he wants to make right and audition for American Idol. The system works!!

ME: Yes! Prison Matt! Maybe Matt and Angela Martin can get together and talk about their time in lock-up. Plus, everyone time Simon starts talking shit, he can go all Road House on his ass and say, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison," which I'm personally really looking forward to. Matt stayed perfectly in his range with Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" but I think he should try some Sam Cooke; there are very few people who can do Master Cooke justice. He had my favorite voice, beating out the super smooth Jermaine Purifoy.

TB: In true Idol fashion, the show kicked off with maybe the most ridiculous person on the show thus far — Theo Glinton. He had mirrors and feathers slapped to his face with body glitter and sang "Something to Talk About" — a song I've only heard one other person besides Bonnie Raitt do justice to.

ME: I kind of thought he looked like a gayer version of a character in the third Mad Max movie. Welcome to the Thunderdome!

TB: If he hadn't looked so fucking nuts, he actually would of just been regular, karaoke bad. Instead, we got uncomfortable. And shock. Boy, was he shocked. Good thing his "assistant" was there to help Ryan Seacrest wipe the sparkly tears from his feathers. Speaking of shock:

ME: Prison Matt should give him some tips on handle to himself in the clink.

TB: Surprisingly enough, one of my favorite fuck ups actually got in!! The Splits Guy!! First of all, gotta love anybody with a bunch of stripper friends. And I'm only saying that because everyone knows all strippers are paying their way through grad school and dolling out single after single is ensuring our future by creating the next generation of doctors and lawyers. Cornelius Edwards wasn't my favorite and I'm pretty sure he only got to Hollywood because now he's out a pair of pants and those thing are priceless. I once knew a guy who traveled all through Europe using only Levis as currency. But as long as Mr. Splits does a chair dance in Hollywood, I'll be set. After that, I'm good.

ME: I was disappointed that they let through this douche:

Seriously, Jay Stone, you want to have the same gimmick as Blake Lewis? Blake Lewis who is most likely coming to a state fair near you? Sigh. But I secretly loved the DeSimone Sisters of Cherry Hill, NJ, especially because Kara sniffed out their Jerz. At first glance of these Old City regulars, I had Blondie pegged as the one to go through and uglier brunette sister as the one crying home to Mama. I ended up preferring Brownie, though, but that may be because she picked "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" and I have an undying love for Whitney Houston.

Judges' Table

In which Tommy and Molly judge guest judge Kristin Chenowith

TB: The fact that basically the whole judges table was hungover the entire episode is fantastic. They got hammered in Miami, then arrived hours late on their private jet. I'm glad to see these guys riding the wave. Normally, if this were a show like So You Think You Can Dance? — which is way more difficult to type than American Idol — I would bitch about how disrespectful this was to the fans, how wasteful and elitist, blah, blah, blah. But I woulda killed to be in that conga line.

ME: I liked that they admitted it too. There was entirely no point in saying, "Yeah, we went out, partied, did blow off Randy's ass and were late for work the next day." But they did it anyway, maybe simply to prove that their lives are considerably better than ours.

TB: Kristin Chenoweth was just little ball of adorable.

ME: Agreed! She's just so cute and seemed like she was having such a good time. Dare I say it? Fave guest judge so far.

TB: But I gotta be wary of anyone who appears to like Kara so much. She didn't do much on the show besides gab with Kara then got "called back to New York" (which is code for "Florida is shitty") the second day so she wasn't even there. But she was on Glee, another fine Fox program, and I love me some Glee. And if you'd like me to advertise your product, I take checks.

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