IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Stoned

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, Stoned

POSTED: Wednesday, March 17, 2010, 9:00 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV Idol Hands

We like American Idol. Too much.

Molly Eichel: Clearly when i think processed pop star a la Idol, I think the Rolling Stones, who were this week's theme because Exile on Main Street is super old, or something. God, the Stones will do anything to make a buck. Although, it forces a lot of the contestants to change up the arrangement.

Tommy Button: Girls were able to sex it up more than the guys were which is why they were able to keep their heads above water. Makes sense though. The closest person on that stage resembling Mick Jagger was Didi Benami.

ME: Didi was on last night with "Play with Fire." Loved the arrangement, loved the 'tude. great performance. She looked like she was about to cut a bitch during that song.

TB: When Didi is safe this week it won't just be because America has a strong affinity for pretty white girls. She was actually, pretty good. And Seacrest went for the shoulder grab this time!!! BARE shoulder grab!!! Then, after the song, Seacrest touched the lower back.

ME: Seacrest: What a stud. You're right, T-Bone, they're so in love. But tonight, I really feel in love with Siobhan Magnus, who did a crazy good version of "Paint it Black," complete with ending banshee wail. The arrangement was over the top, the screaming was indulgent, but she's so weird it fit. Also: Love the new look.

TB: I was onboard till that squeal at the end. I'm sure she was just trying to make a moment or some bullshit like that but seriously, it was a little too much. I really want to like Siobhan but every time she opens her mouth I become the most uncomfortable I've ever been around a person in my TV before. I've only spent a weekend in Cape Cod before, maybe that's what people there are just like.

ME: The only boy I really felt earned his salt was Aaron Kelly doing "Angie," an overwrought song that I love unapologetically. At first, I was annoyed Aaron chose it, but he made it into a nice little country ballad. Along with Didi, Siobahn and Powersox, Aaron was the only person who really made the Stones his own. Still, I wish this had gone Also: Why hasn't it been brought up that Aaron Kelly's mom is named KELLY KELLY. I didn't think that actually happened!

TB: Pretty sure Ellen pointed this out, but Aaron is turning into more and more of a lesbian with each week. That said, Aaron was pretty good but I don't think he gets to go home as the best guy of the night. I'll hand it to him, hes giving it his all trying to come out of that shell or closet or whatever but his performance was off. Every time he gets on stage I feel like he's reaching big and just coming up short. I don't think it was any better than Casey James, and that was just so-so. But you gotta give Casey some slack, apparently he's part r-word. That's what his mom says anyway.

ME: Depsite his mom's claims of brain damage, I wasn't feeling Casey last night. It was a pretty contrived version of "It's All Over Now" and he coulda done better with something like "Angie" or even a Seger-esque rock out to "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll." Kara praised his soul, but I thought that was rather soulless. He wasn't the worst of the night. That clearly goes to Tim Urban. "Under My Thumb" is not some lovey-dovey song. It's a vengeful song full of bile. It just doesn't sound like it. So good job Tim Urban for ruining the rhythm and melody of one of the best songs ever written. For the record, I no longer thing Tim is cute. Sigh, where is Alex Lambert?!

TB: We totally agree on worst. Pussy cover of a kick ass song. No girl will ever be under Tim Urban's thumb unless he's stabbing her to death. That smile is one of a sociopath. And the way he laughs when he gets upset. Tell me that kid is not crazy.

ME: I'm also going to continue to hate on Lacey Brown for giving the Tim Urban pussy treatment to "Ruby Tuesday." She took all of the sadness out of this song, especially in second verse and at the end of the chorus. Her outfit was atrocious. She needs to pray to Jesus for a miracle, or at least to be more than a subpar Nikki McKibben.

TB: Good thing I finished my cigarette before that was over otherwise I would have put it out on myself just to distract me.

ME: Then there's a sea of mediocrity to wade through: Big Mike doesn't know how to move onstage and that's becoming a problem.

TB: If he didn't run around everywhere like a cat with it's head in a bag he might be able to hold some better notes. I always want Andrew Garcia to be good, but he's never as good as I want.

ME: Just like I want Paige Miles to stop pretending she has white girl voice and let it loose. I think Paige needs a good ol' fashioned banging and she'll loosen up. Katie Stevens, on the other hand, could get fucked two way from Sunday and she'd still wouldn't be able to connect to a song.

TB: Katie should be watching this episode on the family TV in Connecticut. She took what might be her last shot and just kind of dabbled around. Just like Lee Dewyze. As far as lame guys go, Lee Dewyze is cream of the crop. Take that which ever way you'd like.

ME: I didn't think it was possible to take all of the sex out of "Beast of Burden," but it's apparently possible. Then there's our girl Powersox, who did "You Can't Always Get What You Want." See, this is why she's so good: She changed the arrangment she retained the song's structure.

TB: It gets rough every week trying to come up with other things to talk about regarding Powersox besides how awesome she is.

Chopping block: Paige Miles. It should be Katie but she's younger than Paige, with a bigger fanbase. With Lilly Scott gone, the vote will swing toward Crystal and Didi. leaving Pagie in the dust. Sayonara, sweetheart.

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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