IDOL HANDS: American Idol, We're #1

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IDOL HANDS: American Idol, We're #1

POSTED: Wednesday, March 24, 2010, 6:52 PM

Filed Under: TV Idol Hands

We like American Idol. Too much.

Tommy Button: Last night Miley Cyrus crossed off "Be Mentor On American Idol" on her Things To Do Before I Can Vote list. And I crossed off "Make Fun of 17 Year Old Girl" on my Things To Do Before I Go To Bed List. I don't care how talented she is, Miley Cyrus is a terrible mentor. The only person who seemed to get anything out of mentor Miley was Katie Stevens. And I'm pretty sure Aaron Kelly got a boner.

Molly Eichel: Aaron Kelly was totally in the bone zone during his mentoring sesh, but the problem with Miley is that she has an awful voice. She's great at being a celebrity, but she's a terrible singer. Considering it was Billboard Hot 100 week, I guess it made sense to have her. Miley's only advice was to do crazy runs, "make it bigger" and "push it," which is terrible advice for a show as over indulgent as this one. The only person she could legit not to tell to go bigger was Best of the Night winner Siobhan Magnus. Her version of "Superstitious" was spot-on and it was the first time I really saw her as a contemporary artist. Love the look, too.

TB: Despite her crazy Cape persona, Siobhan brought the most to that stage tonight. Siobhan must have come up with the idea to skat while she was high. It was like she hit a mental block and thought rolling up a spliff might free up her creativity. That never works. You set out to write the great American novel and end up with an American Idol blog.

ME: If Siobhan is rocking the reefer, then Paige Miles is most certainly huffing glue. "Take a Look at Me Now"?! For fuck's sake, Phil Collins is worse than the Eagles. I know she's doing the Mariah version and all, but, sweetheart is no Mariah. Dreadful on all levels.

TB: Up to this point in my Idol viewership I have never seen something that bad in the Top 12.

ME: God, then she was followed up by the horrorshow that is Tim Urban.

TB: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" is probably the most boring Queen song ever and in Idolville, a cop out. It's a little catchy diddy that you can polish with jazz hands and crowd schmoozing to cover up how much you suck and don't sound like Freddy Mercury. That's exactly what Tim Urban did except he did it with a crazy sociopath grin. Don't say I didn't warn you when your family is dismembered by the Urban Family.

ME: Oh my god, oh my god. What if he wins? What if the 'tween vote takes him over the top? This is just another reason how the budding sexuality of America's youth is ruining my life (the first: The career of Robert Pattinson.) If the 'tweens are gonna skew one way, I hope it's toward Aaron Kelly, whose version of "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing." I've been room temp on Aaron the entire time but he sounded great despite being sick and I know exactly what kind of artist is trying to be.

TB: When Aaron Kelly got all googley eyed over Miley Cyrus I must have smiled for the first time in a week. No shit. Of course, it's just a little celebrity crush and probably the bi-product of his repressed homosexuality, but it's so darn cute! And after the stinkers before him, it was good to see someone step up with some talent, personality and heart.

ME: And that's the problem I'm seeing with Andrew Garcia, Lee Dewyze and Casey James. No heart, no connection.

TB: But I'll rock out to Huey Lewis with Casey James. It was a little cover-bandish but then again, I'm a Bjorn Again fan.

ME: Singers like Huey Lewis don't exist anymore. At least they're not famous. And that's beginning to be a problem for Casey. Who does he want to be? This was all a little Vegas showcase, but worse because I see Casey as more down home alt country ... and because they weren't actually in Vegas and there were no titties. There are always titties in Vegas. Andrew Garcia has the same problem. He kept fighting the rhythm of the "Heard it Through the Grapevine," pumping up the horns so it was show off-y.

TB: Is it better to burn out or fade away, Andrew? With Lee, there are probably a few Nickleback fans out there with rocked boxes but Lee left my box tepid at best. Besides being not interesting, his white guy rock voice is wearing thin.

ME: It was a big risk doing "The Letter" and it didn't pay off. He couldn't make an album of music like that: First off, because it was all a lounge act. Second off, because it was not good. Didi Benami was also pretty lukewarm last night with "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt, which is disappointing because she did so good last week with the whole woman scorned thing.

TB: Introducing Didi Benami, Seacrest stumbled and called her Didi Ben-imi. Which if you ask me is definitely a pet name or a safe word. What I am dubbing 'Didicrest' might as well be all but confirmed by their close friends in OK! Magazine.

ME: You know who did pull it out? Katie Stevens. I'm not into the tone of her voice. But she saved herself for another couple weeks with this song. Although, I gotta disagree with Kara, Katie is too White Suburbia for R&B leanings.

TB: Katie had the cards stacked against her picking "Big Girls Don't Cry" because before she even starts singing because I know I'm gonna be annoyed. I can't believe that song was a number one. But to her credit, Katie didn't screw the pooch totally. In fact, it might have been her best so far and it's about time because the way it's looking she's going on tour. Joining her is Michael "Big Mike" Lynche. Big Mike was the classy gent he always has been except for that one time when he wasn't there for his daughter's birth. But, Ellen hit the nail on the head: It was like driving the speed limit. Maybe even five miles under.

ME: Yeah, I wasn't psyched when I heard he was doing "When a Man Love a Woman." It's all getting a little samey-samey and the arrangement aged him. But loved his outfit. Very Esquire. Still, to me, this was a second place performance.

TB: No surprises with Crystal Bowersox either. Powersox picked a Janis Joplin song. STOP THE PRESSES!! Really though, who didn't see that one coming? I love Powersox and she's clearly set herself to win this thing in a big way but tonight was not my favorite of her performances.

ME: Yeah, Powersox is on cruise control but I don't mind at all. I thought she sounded great and I love the conceit of the carpet. Except when Simon started talking about it, rugs were not the first thing I thought of. It was definitely vagina.

TB: I wasn't really waiting for her to sing this like apparently everyone else was because I already knew what it would be like. But I don't know what it would be like to hit the bong with Powersox and listen to her sing gangsta rap to me.

Going Home: Do we need to say it? Paige Miles.

ricardo

Posted 2010-03-24 14:20:41

The clearest evidence that Phil Collins is both a stronger drummer/singer/songwriter than fellow drummer/singer/songwriter Don Henley can be found when comparing the music of both.

charlie

Posted 2010-03-24 17:55:34

<3 Ricardo

Also, do you two need a copyeditor?  Because I will work cheap.

charlie

Posted 2010-03-24 17:56:15

Sorry, "I will work cheaply."

Posted by Molly Eichel @ 6:52 PM Permalink | Post a comment

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