IDOL HANDS: Chicago seemed tired last night

The Web site for the award-winning alternative weekly, the Philadelphia City Paper.

0 comments

IDOL HANDS: Chicago seemed tired last night

POSTED: Wednesday, January 20, 2010, 6:50 PM

Filed Under: Music | TV | Idol Hands Watch

We like American Idol. Too much.

Chicago Auditions

Tommy Button: The Windy City sure did blow last night.

Molly Eichel: Rim shot! But, seriously. It sucked. 13 golden tickets? C'mon, Chicago, step it up.

TB: Last night's episode peaked at the first audition — Broken Home Girl. I mean, it's not like I haven't heard that story before — not me, of course, my parents have been married forever, which is why I'm so well-adjusted — it was because she was actually pretty good. And she's got this woman scorned thing going on that might really play in her favor further up the road. I also just love scorned women because, really? Who doesn't like a challenge.

ME: Really? I thought Katelyn Epperly was mediocre. She was totally adorable but she had White Girl Singing Voice, where she tries to sound deep and soulful but can't pull it off because her voice is just naturally thinner and reedier. She's gone in Hollywood week unless she has some crazy musical chops and can pull out some ridic instrumentation, a la Wonder Bread's rendition of "Heartless" from last season.

But it was Angela Martin — who made it to Hollywood twice before only be royally fucked with God's dice playing — that caught my attention. She's got a sob story that beats out any run of the mill divorce: retarded daughter, murdered father, traffic violations! I'm already setting my DVR to her upcoming made-for-TV movie.

TB: The 16 year old, Taylor Momsen weirdo who got through, I'm not really a fan. She's only worth mentioning because of her hairstylin' family. Molly, roll the clip.

ME: Must I? Charity Vance also got hardcore White Girl Voice. Although she sounds better in lower register than previous White Girl. Although, my AI viewing party (Note to Idol Handsies: Tommy and I, gasp, don't actually watch together) also referred to her as Taylor Momsen girl. Maybe she also hates Haiti.

TB: John Park was surprisingly good. I like the wild card air he has about him. I don't think he'll win. He'll probably make it up until America gets to vote, then he'll sulk back to his strict parents. I mean, it took over 200 years for America to elect a black man president, American Idol's only in it's 9th season. I don't think an Asian is gonna win for at least another 300 seasons.

ME: Anoop Desai from last season was Indian and he got freakishly far on his Peter Gallagher eyebrows alone. Maybe America's ready. YES WE CAN ... choose and Asian-American Idol.

TB: But Park is also, worth mentioning because of Shania Twain (see judging table.) The only really terrible person was Gomer Pile but I'm pretty sure he was a fake. People like that who are for real tend to bring along their diabetic mother. Nevertheless, HI-larious.

ME: When Brian Krause came on, I was first, like, 'No. No. American Idol, making fun of products of incest is even too mean for you!" But then he said he was going to sing a Tiny Tim... The only other weirdo worth mentioning was boob flexer Amy Lang who went from slapworthy obnoxious to kind of hilarious all the way back to slapworthy obnoxious.

Although, I bet all of her super gay friends love her. Redefines the term fag hag.

Judges' Table

In which Tommy and Molly judge guest judge Shania Twain

TB: Shania Twain was just OK, but she made up for it with he sexual harassment of now resident Asian, John Park. Any woman who can make that many penis jokes in a row is fine by me.

ME: Shania would've done better for herself if she didn't play with her blouse the entire time. She looked like a nervous teenager when the hot college kid is around. I wanted a little more sass from Shania. Alas, no.

Posted 2010-01-20 16:51:57

" I mean, it took over 200 years for America to elect a black man president, American Idol's only in it's 9th season. I don't think an Asian is gonna win for at least another 300 seasons."

I think that comment was unnecessary and a bit impolite.

Lucky

Posted 2010-01-20 15:25:21

Okay-- you made this episode of Idol better than it actually was. And the girl with astmas will never make it out of those room they're put in. And do you think the two of you could watch Biggest Loser and do the same comentary.

Posted by Molly Eichel @ 6:50 PM Permalink | Post a comment

0 comments

Comments (0)

Q&A with SHARI SOLANIS: "The goal isn't pornography"
What we're trying to do this weekend
SEXY TIME Q&A: I've never had an orgasm during sex with a man — and I'm 30!
Coming soon to Philly: Two cockamamie movie promotion schemes
Q&A with Tony Goldwyn: "Life is gray, and relationships are, too"
ICE CUBE: In Memoriam: Joe Tartaglia
CONCERT REVIEW: Primus (3D & quadraphonic sound) @ The Tower 10/17
NOW SEE THIS: Transit cop arrests marijuana activist for alleged disorderly conduct.
ICEPACK ILLUSTRATED: The Archbishop meets the Geator, the Mayor goes suit shopping, Le Bec Fin fin.
NOW SEE THIS: Tim and Eric direct Terry Crews for Old Spice

About this blog

Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

Follow Critical Mass editors Patrick Rapa and Emily Guendelsberger on Twitter:

@mission2denmark | @emilygee

Search this blog:

Topics:

Blog archives:

May
April
March

February
January

Past Archives: