Idol Hands: Top 13 ' Michael Jackson week
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Idol Hands: Top 13 ' Michael Jackson week
We like American Idol ' too much.
Tommy Button: I got a sneaking suspicion that this season isn't really guonna get good until Top 5 at least.
Molly Eichel: I'm a little pissed at the judges this week. They are always, always complaining about how no one can sing Michael like Michael. They gave Kris Allen crap during Top 36 and now they are going to make everyone do it? I call bull shit. Also: Paula, cool it with the self-tanner.
TB: I'll give it to 'em that Michael Jackson songs is a pretty tall order. There are only a few contestants that I think can even touch that shit. And Lil Rounds, the one that I thought would blow my box all over the damn room, left me cold and limp.
Lil Rounds - "The Way You Make Me Feel"
TB: Lil disappointing. Thinking about it, I can't even remember what song she sang. I have no doubt she'll be fine and get many more opportunities to go ape shit on my box but I didn't think it was a very powerful Top 13 debut. Having to say 'Top 13' pisses me off too. Why 13? Why 13 when you're just gunna cut 2 contestants the first week anyway? Nevermind. Simon also made a comment about Lil's outfit which I have no opinion on but I think when Simon insults your clothing it's good. He knows anything he says is useless because she'll be back next week so why not talk about clothes?
ME: This is my third favorite Michael Jackson song of all time so I'm biased but I don't think she was that horrendous. The problem here still lies with the theme of the week: The only person whose voice really suits this song is Michael himself. I'm glad she didn't cop out with a ballad, that would have be too easy (see Jasmine Murray).
Scott McIntyre - "Keep the Faith"
TB: This guy should quit Idol and tour the country as an inspirational speaker. I might actually think I could defeat global warming if Blind Guy just fucking sang about it. I wasn't even listening to the guy as much as I was thinking about his blindness and how I have two perfectly good eyes that I've done nothing with besides watch American Idol. I didnt know this Jackson song but he still did a good job and sang his heart out. Kudos. He's a def Top 5er. And someone should cut his hair. Is his stylist blind too?
ME: To me, Blind Guy always sounds like he should be soundtracking a Christian youth group. You have to be squeaky clean to win Idol, but he's gotta dirty it up a little bit. The best thing for him right now? Innocuous sex scandal.
Danny Gokey - "PYT"
TB: If anybody deserves love in this world, it's Danny Gokey. Everytime they do a little "get to know the contestant" segment I watch Danny Gokey and just think about how much of a bastard I really am. "P.Y.T." might be one of my favorite Jackson songs and he fucking got down with it. Putting the mic to the crowd being like "shiiiiiit, i could let you assholes sing and i'll still get through."
ME: Danny Gokey makes me think that life is worth living. "PYT" is definitely up there when it comes to Michael songs and I'm also glad he didn't cop out with a a ballad. With that in mind, he actually sounded better on the bigger notes, which worries me when it comes to other genres. Screw that, this guy could sing Joy Division and I'd still want to hug him.
Lindsey Proulx: Danny Gokey will you marry me?
Michael Sarver - "You are not Alone"
TB: The problem with a lot of these contestants this season is that I don't think many of them have the capacity to grow on people. Oilrig sang his heart out no doubt but I still ff'd on my dvr half way through. I'm not very interested and being from Texas myself, I'm usually really into people/things from Texas. Funny thing. Well 'funny' isn't really the word. BUT Oilrigs hometown of Jasper was the town where a black man was dragged to death behind a truck for something like 3 miles. Vote for him NOW, America...
ME: This guy's problem is going to be genre hopping. He's one of these guys who will do well when he's in a genre that he's comfortable with (country, rock-pop) but be totally fucked when he has to do something that calls for more elasticity. He'll make it to the middle of the pack and then get ousted on disco week or something. I like how they keep trying to tell us how manly he is, though.
Jasmine Murray - "I'll be There"
TB: How the mighty have fallen. She was sooo good in Hollywood and was granted a second chance as a wild card and is following Anoop's bloddy footprints. I hate to say it but I think she sang her swan song last night. and swans sound terrible.
ME: She's too young! Her voice isn't mature enough for this song. She's going to sound so much better in a couple years. She just needs to thicken it out a bit. And for christ's sakes, she's like 12. Cool it with the terrible ballads already. Here's why she should leave: The judges told her to pick songs that show off her voice while remaining young. That's good advice. But she just doesn't get it and song choice is almost as important as performance.
Kris Allen - "Remember the Time"
TB.Guitar was a smart move. Bringing out the wifey, not really. They haven't even been married long. They're in that "love" phase of their relationship still I guess. But will the pressures of having a husband with a bone every teenage girl wants to jump strain their marriage? Stay tuned!
LP: I don't really care for him musically, but he's just so cute that it doesn't really matter. And I agree with Simon and Tommy, he should have kept the wife hidden. Katy and Kris, barf.
ME: Say hello to this year's Jason Castro ' minus the possibility that he's totally blazed during the live telecast. Which makes me like him less. I say Top 5 for him, then he's gone.
Allison Iraheta - "Give It To Me"
TB: The only time this girl's mouth should open it should be only to sing. Seacrest, just stop asking her questions. It's uncomfortable. That whole "I'm not, like, cutting myself" comment was weird.When I reference self mutilation I always go with setting myself on fire jokes. It even illicited a "zip it" motion from Paula who looked like Cindy McCain if somebody loaded an elephant gun with green eye liner and shot her in the face. But when Paula thinks you should shut up, you should probably just cut yourself.
ME: For the love of god, will someone give her media training? This girl reminds me of an old, French prostitute and I say that in the best way possible. Barring maybe Lil and Matt, she's the only one who gives off a real sense of what she would like to be doing post-Idol.
Anoop Desai - "Beat It"
TB: The Indians were doing so good too what with Slumdog Millionaire and Ghandi and all that. The judges probably picked Michael Jackson songs just because they wanted to see who would fuck up and sing "Beat It" or "Bad" or "Thriller" or some other song only the Mike I like can sing. By the end of Anoop's performance that stage was covered in blood from where he shot himself in the foot.
ME: Look, here's another kid who knows he's not the best singer in the bunch. But he also knows he can perform the fuck out of a song and the girls will scream and get excited. This has never been a competition about musical talent; it's always been about charisma. And Anoop has had it since he walked in to the audition room. I wouldn't be surprised if he makes it farther than you think he will.
Megan Joy Corkery - "Rockin' Robin"
TB: Super. Fucking. Hot. I would be the father to her child if only I could actually marry Danny Gokey and just bang Megan. It might just be her hotness but she's kind of growing on me in a weird way. Not in any way that would make me buy her album or anything. Maybe in a way where Google image search her when I'm bored at work.
LP: Stupid song choice. Stupid dance moves. Wicked hot.
TB: Stupid ex-husband.
ME: As a heterosexual female, I, too, would do Megan. Is it the tats? Is it the awful dance moves? I'm gonna disagree with you, Lindsey, on song choice. She knows she doesn't have a great voice and this way she got to perform. Kara said she didn't show her range but maybe it's because she knows she doesn't have one. And: Happy Birthday, Megan's brother! You are also attractive!
Adam Lambert - "Black or White"
LP: I want to hate him so badly but every time he gets on stage I totally fall in love with him. The guy can perform. And he was much better at being Mike than Mick. But please, stop with the close-ups!
TB: Not an Adam Lambert fan. Never was Lambert fan. Never will be a Lambert fan. That being said, he kind of fucking rocked. He was clearly the only dude on the stage that night whose voice was suited for Michael Jackson. But the dude looks better the further away you get. In close ups he looks like a drag queen who forgot his rouge.
ME: Wow, I go a completely different way here. I loved Adam at first and while I know the kid's got stage presence, this made me hate him. Still, unless he fucks up, he's got an easy path to the Top 3. But Adam shares another problem with Kris: He's unavailable to screaming females 'cause dude is obvs gay. Sure, he's gonna have every gay male on his side but will a bunch of horny teenage girls keep voting for a Judy Garland fan? Sure, they voted Clay Aiken through, but he never, ever had the sex appeal thing going for him. This is precisely why I find American Idol so fascinating.
Matt Giraud - "Human Nature"
TB: I liked this dude so much in Hollyweird when he sang Georgia On My Mind but he's gotten into the habit of not blowing it out the box. Like his Coldplay rendition. My box was actually totally recontructed during that performance it was so shitty. But he's getting better. If he can stick around for a little longer I think he'll find his niche and might actually fuck up some boxes.
ME: "Georgia" is his best performance so far but I think the Coldplay thing was fluke. He seems so much more comfortable with a piano and I love his voice. It's got the silky smoothness of Elliot Yamin. But he's not hideously ugly like Elliot Yamin. So that helps.
Jorge Nunez - "Never Can Say Goodbye"
TB: Can't wait till this guy gets an eyebrow trim. I really like him. I like that Idol auditioned in PR this year and found a really good PRican. True, it also gave us Tatiana but nutjobs are half the reason we watch this show. His performance was good, not great, but I like rooting for him and I think also Michael Jackson songs are not his forte.
Alexis Grace - "Dirty Diana"
TB: Alexis vaguely reminds me of the woman who used to cut my hair from ages 11 to 18. Her name was Trisch and I don't know what happened to her but seeing Alexis takes me back to my buzzcut days so I have an affinity for this young starlet. I can't even say I really like her singing all that much but I just want her to do well. She was the best girl this round and a shoe in for the Top 5.
ME: That's Ms. Grace if yo nasty! I'm so glad someone did "Dirty Diana" and I'm so glad it was Alexis. This girl has a got a nice little growl on her but I don't know how long she can keep up the bad girl facade. I'm afraid she's gonna slip into being a sweetheart again and then what am I going to do with her?
Went home: Jasmine, Jorge
Whoa! Anoop coming outta left field with the safe!!! I had all my money against him but I guess I'd rather see him stay then Jorge,even though I also like everything about him but his brow. Jasmine was no surprise and I'm glad to see her go.
ME: I find it ironic that both Attack of the Killer Eyebrow men were on the chopping block. Conspiracy? Probably. When it all comes down to it, Jorge is a better singer but Anoop is the one I want to see perform every week.
TB: But enough about that, what is this new rule?! The judges have a save and here's how it works: After you get kicked off, you sing your heart out one more time and if the judges unanimously agree that you deserve a second chance, you stay and the next week to contestants leave. If you don't get a second chance then you just get told for second time that night that you suck. I dunno if I like this rule, what with the judges lording over the voters. Trying to undermine the American people, eh? Well, I don't like it! And I won't stand for it! Unless of course they use it to save someone I like. It's fine in that case.
ME: Here's the deal, though: Simon always hated on Jennifer Hudson. Always! From her outfits to her performance. Would he have saved her? Probably not. Tamyra Grey was a better singer than Kelly Clarkson. Should she have gotten the save? Considering Kelly fights it out with Carrie Underwood for the most successful post-Idol career, I say no. Daughtery should have won. There's no arguing with that.
TB: The most flabbergasting moment of the night, though was Kanye West performing. I really used to like Kanye but ever since 808s and Heartbreak or whatever Bass and Bitching, I dunno, I've had my reservations. His performance was super self-indulgent in his Canadian tuxedo touching girls hands like some attention starved Idol contestant. Rap, dammit!
ME: What is this? American Autotune? Although, I would really enjoy seeing T-Pain on next week. But, I really enjoy the new Kelly Clarkson's new song, a) because you know Clive Davis took her aside after her last record and was like "Bitch, please," which I think is funny coming from a slight 80-year-old man and b) it's essentially a happy version of "Since U Been Gone."
TB: And Kelly is looking a little plump. Maybe she's pregnant. She seems like one of those chicks who doesn't know they're pregnant until there's a baby in the toilet.
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