Idol Hands: Top 36, Group 2

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Idol Hands: Top 36, Group 2

POSTED: Thursday, February 26, 2009, 9:39 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass

In which my friend Tommy Button and I have far too intense discussions about American Idol.

Tommy Button: I did not watch Obama's address to the nation on Tuesday. Instead I went to bed early because there is no 1-866 number to call or a panel of judges. Just talking followed by more talking. And after such a humdrum Tuesday evening with absolutely no singing, you might think the second batch of the top 36 would wanna bring their A-game and show the Prez who the real American Idols are but mostly it was a whole lotta suck.

Molly Eichel: Agreed. I already voted for Obama. What's the fun in paying attention to him now? And last night's show was beyond suck. This is Top 36 people, let's get it together.

TB: Most everybody picked a terrible song. It seemed like they were choosing songs by how much they liked them. I mean, go ahead and sing a song you like but make sure it's a song you can sing first. Jasmine and her rendition that "not gunna write you a love song" love song was arguably the worst choice of the night. and her eyes look like they're about one inch too close to her ears, like a fish.

The only other person that could possibly have beat her out was Matt Giraud with that damn Coldplay song. And he was so good Hollywood week. I liked him, he reminds me of Eliot Yamin. Siiigh...it's just depressing.

ME: I had such high hopes for Jasmine. She killed it at her audition, she had a nice little story and owned throughout Hollywood week. She needed a big ballad to bring it all home. The girl's got the chops and, as Randy so eloquently put it throughout the rest of night, she didn't blow it out the box. These two encompassed the whole night: The thing about pop stardom, not everyone has a stellar voice (why, hello Taylor Swift), so when you add vocal runs to a song that can't handle vocal acrobatics like that, you're asking for trouble.

TB: Most everyone else was pretty forgettable, except for Allison Iraheta with sassy red hair and balls to the wall voice. A little shy, but hey, that's nothing a few weeks on national television won't fix.

ME: Worst. Personality. Ever. Seriously, how hard is it to say some canned answer about how going to school and doing American Idol is hard but you're really enjoying yourself. It's just like Crash Davis said in Bull Durham: You gotta learn your cliches. But daaaaaaaaaaaamn, girl's got a voice! And she can work a mic, unlike Tat Single Mom, who did this weird shimmy dance the entire time. I thought she sounded awful, but the judges disagreed. I think it was Randy who compared her to Duffy/Adele/Amy Winehouse, but having a smoky voice and sounding off-key are two different things.

TB: My least favorite of the night was tool bag extraordinaire, Adam Lambert and his neck full of gaudy jewelry. Personally, I don't think you should mess with the Stones but I guess I can see why the judges like him. Randy likened him to Fall Out Boy, which would explain why I hate him. But no doubt America will vote for him, though.

ME: I'm gonna have to disagree with you on this one. Yeah, he sounded idiotic most of the time but he also performed the shit out that song. Half of this show is performance, which is why a totally competent singer like Ricky Braddy from the first group had no chance. Sure, he had a nice voice but he was so innocuous and boring, I forgot about him by the end of the show (there's a reason the producers stuck him in the beginning). At least Adam Lambert had stage presence. And he's cute as a button.

TB: The real star of the night was one Mr. Nick Mitchell, otherwise known as Norman Gentle. After three lackluster performances, that red sweatband appeared, slinking the stairs like a khaki shorted sex tiger.

ME: YES. My theory about Nick is he auditioned to make a fool of himself on television and when they let him through, he was like, "Holy fuck, this was a joke. What the hell am I supposed to do now?" He said it best in his intro: He's not going to be the next Justin Timberlake. So why not put on a show?The funniest thing about him is he can actually sing. When he held the note at the end of "And I'm Telling You," it was clear and in key, which is more than most of these clowns can say for themselves. Norman Gentle is my American Idol for now and forever.

TB: Norman Gentle is actually one of the only contestants on the show who actually bears a little part of his soul when he performs. Everyone else is some kind of pop culture Frankenstein pieced together with last month's OK! magazine and VH1 clip shows. While Oilrig [Matt B.], Flouder Face [Jasmine], Kalamazoo [Matt G.] and the rest of 'em are trying so hard to be themselves (or at least how they want America to see them) Norman is spazzing out all over the stage celebrating the sparkly-shirted freaks that we all know we really are. As the economy tumbles and more shit flies at the fan I can't help feeling ignored, helpless and frustrated. And it makes me wanna do crazy things. I wanna stand on my desk and do a little tap routine. I want to come to work dressed in a zoot suit and called everybody daddio. I want to walk around my neighborhood shouting scripture and poetry. I want to go on stage at American Idol and give a double fuck you to Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia, Clay Aiken, Taylor Hicks, and Carrie Underwood and scream "NO! YOU'RE TIME IS OVER! THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE FREAK!"

Norman Gentle might just be able to save America. Maybe Even the world.

ME: Well said, sir, well said.

Going through this week:
Adam Lambert
Nick Mitchell (Norman Gentle)
Allison Iraheta

Wild Card:
Sleeve Tat Single Mom

Lindsey

Posted 2009-02-27 14:12:13

I think Adam Lambert should borrow some sparkly shirts from Norman. I'm not buying the whole Mick Jagger thing, but add some sparkles and I could definitely go for it.

Posted by Molly Eichel @ 9:39 PM Permalink | Post a comment

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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