Idol Hands: Top 36 Group, Group 3

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Idol Hands: Top 36 Group, Group 3

POSTED: Wednesday, March 4, 2009, 9:02 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass

Von Smith

Tommy Button: If I sound like I'm phoning it in this week it's because I am. I didn't feel particularly moved for the most part and with no Norman Gentle to bring back the starry-eyed wonderment I felt as a child I have reverted back to bitterness and solitude. Baron Von Douche Smith makes me feel weird watching him. His performance was kind of like a high school talent show that he was taking REALLY seriously. So if I know anything about losing high school talent shows, he'll probably cry when he loses which will only make me more uncomfortable. He's got a sick, quiet desperation about him that makes me all cringey.

Molly Eichel: His mouth is huge. I bet he could fit three to four tennis balls in it.

Taylor Vaifanua

TB: A big oh MEH!. Wait. A little meh. Maybe just an eh ' This is the type of contestant that would be cut immediately if we were elimating by old Idol rules.

Alex Wagner-Trugman

ME: What is this? Awkward white boy week? This is probably the worst song ever. What is that growl? Oh, you're killin' me Alex. Also, I like how Simon said this show wasn't a democracy, except for the fact that it is. And that he's singing this for his long distance girlfriend. Aw!

TB: Spaz. I don't even believe he's got a girlfriend. And if he does, and it's a long distance sorta thing, she's def boning some other guy. While he's singing Elton John she's in her dorm room somewhere shacked up with a guy from the lacrosse team ' Now I feel kind of bad for him ' I guess that's why they call it the blues.

Arianna Afsar

ME: She has this stupid smile on her face throughout her performance until Simon tells her how truly awful she sounded and then it looks like she's watching the judges collectively rape her puppy. Why would she pick this song? Dude, not even the A*Teens could make this work. Scratch that, the A*Teens could make anything work.

TB: I'm pretty well versed in the A*Teens songbook for reasons I won't get in to just now. But if you're going to try and cover a song that's already been covered by a Swedish teen pop juggernaut you better buck the fuck up.

Ju'not Joyner

ME: Q: How many babies were made during this song? A: 47 million.

TB: I. LOVE. JU'.NOT. I'm pretty sure I got pregnant during his performance. And does he have the cutest baby, or what?! I haven't "awwwwwwwwwwed" at a small black child since this sensation. If this show was about who could birth the most adorable children Ju'not would be a shoe in. The only weird thing was those handcuffs on his pants. Were they supposed to match the new super shiny mic "Idol's" now sporting?

Kristin McNamara

ME: God, I've hated this girl since Hollywood week. Why do I want to slap her? 'Cause she sucks.

TB: Because I have nothing to say about this Kristin McNamara character I'm going to use the space to talk some shit about Kara Dio-whatsherface. It's pretty safe to say no Idol fan out there really gives two shits about what she has to say. She's actually kind of a bitch to the contestants. And not in the "everyones thinking it" sorta way Simon is. She's a legitimate bitch. The only reason that I'm not going to host that Kara Awareness 5K is because I found out on Ellen (that's right, Ellen) she's good friends with Neil Patrick Harris. And a friend of NPH's is someone I won't try to erradicate like a vile cancer.

Nathanial Marshall

ME: You know how after that awful Billy Joel musical, they were anothologizing every musicians with more than a couple records? This is like the musical theater version of the Meatloaf ' Bat Out of Hell-o!

TB: Nathanial Marshal would only get my vote if everytime someone called his 1-866 number an electrical shock passed through his body.

Lindsey Proulx: Even to a big meatloaf fan like myself, that still made me want to shoot someone! Maybe if he sang Paradise, or my all time favorite meatloaf song bat out of hell, I could have enjoyed him. Scratch that, I could never enjoy him. And I would never want to go sing karaoke with him eithe

Felicia Barton

ME: This is the girl that kicked out Mayfair's Joanna Pacitti, who got kicked off for having too much experience in the music business. Out of Philly pride, I should hate this girl, but she's not bad. Yeah, she's got some problems with going flat and her phrasing isn't stellar but I like her little underdog story. Also, totally digging that Jenny Humphrey haircut. Still, BLAND.

Scott MacIntyre

ME: Ah! Blind guy! Did he seriously pick Bruce Hornsby? Who does he think watches this show? Every 12-year-old girl in America is collectively saying, "Blind guy, you're an idiot." How could the judges like that? Wasn't feeling the vocals, wasn't feeling the song. Plus, I keep waiting for this guy to say, "Aw, shucks, Mr. Cowell!"

TB: What can I say about the blind guy except that he's blind. I'm gunna disagree with you here, Molly, and say that I found Blindy to be pretty damn inspirational. I know, I know, it's probably only because he's blind but the guy can sing and he just needs a little more confidence. And to be able to fake an eyeline. Simon was right, he'll sail through.

LP: Blindspirational

TB: "Blindspirational" is kind of mine ' Perhaps, Inspirblindational ?

Kendall Beard

ME: This girl is so blond she makes me feel racially inferior. I can't wait until she's a housewife in Dallas, pumped up with sillicone and collagen, drinking straight vodka at 11 a.m. Her vocals aren't the best, but she chose a song that suited her and she's def got the Carrie Underwood thing going on.

TB: The girl's got some country chops. But I don't think the winner this year will be doing country.

Jorge Nunez

ME: Shit, son, that's how you do it. Give that boy an eyebrow pluck and here's your next American Idol. Although, holy christ, could the judges be more patronizing? He's from Puerto Rico, he's not slow.

TB: If Peter Gallagher and Enrique Iglesis had a baby it would be Jorge Nunez. And I don't even know if Enrique Iglesis is Puetro Rican.

LP: I don't know why, but I really hate this guy. I think it's just because his eyes really scare me. Those eyebrows could fucking attack!

Lil Rounds

ME: Why is this girl on this show? Just give her a record contract now and let her be on her way. And "Call this show if you just can't be without me baby!" I like how Kara gets all "Uh huh girlfren! *snap, snap*" with her.

TB: AAAaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooOMG! I love Lil Rounds. She's got a great name. And it fits perfectly with "round" ass. Really, Lil Rounds has got a phenomenal rear end. AND she's a MOM! i LOOOOOVE Moms!!!!! Just quit all you other chuckleheads. Lil Rounds is here to stay.

Going Through:
Lil Rounds

Jorge Nunez

Blind guy

Wild Card - Ju'Not Joyner

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