Idol Hands: Top 8 ' Birthday Week

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Idol Hands: Top 8 ' Birthday Week

POSTED: Thursday, April 9, 2009, 5:46 PM

Filed Under: TV | Idol Hands Watch

Tommy Button: First of all let me give a giant, resounding double fuck you to the fucking chuckleheads at Comcast. If you send my bill to the wrong address, I will receive no bill and therefore pay no bill. But I guess the jokes on me because last night, of ALL nights, you turned off my cable and let me know of the $200 I owe you. I don't think I ever experienced true loss until that night. Now, I'm stuck watching everyone's performance on the tubes. Comcast, suck my dick.

Molly Eichel: I'm a huge b-day week fan because it's a ludicrous theme. What's is picking a song from the year you were born supposed to prove? That you can sing a song from the '80s? Just call it '80s Week, explain to Allison Iraheta what that decade was and get it over with. But baby pics, oh man, do I love the baby pics. Seacrest was such a chubster and Kara was a hideous child baby ' although it must be noted that her boobs looked massive in her top.

Tommy and Molly pick their prospective Birthday Week song choices:

Tommy's songs -- March 25, 1986:
"How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston (mainly because the video is hilarious)
or possibly
"Invisible Touch" by Genesis

Molly's songs - October 28, 1985:
"Road to Nowhere" by the Talking Heads (picture it: me + gospel choir + huge suit = great)
or
"I Want to What Love Is" by Foreigner (I want you to show me)

Danny Gokey - April 24, 1980 ' "Stand by Me"

ME: Nice song choice. Middle wasn't so great but he picked it up at the end. Lovin' the outfit though, very New Wave. I feel like he should be singing the Knack or something.

TB: I'll stand by you, Danny. And unlike your wife, I will never die. My real name is Angus MacLeod and I've been alive for more than four and a half centuries.

ME: Highlander reference! Nerd!

TB: But, anyway. I really like this song. Pretty much because I just think about a fat Jerry O'Connell when I hear it. It got a little boring/not that good about a minute in but lucky for him he was able to turn it out in the end. When singing a song on Idol you have to revert to fifth grade when they taught you how to write essays for standardized testing. Intro: Let us know what this whole thing is about. First Paragraph: Knock us out the ball park and present your strongest argument (don't suck at the beginning). If you have to suck somewhere, suck in the middle because if you got a kick ass third paragraph and conclusion they'll be saying "what middle?"

Adam Lambert - January 29, 1982 ' "Mad World" by Tears For Fears

TB: So at least I'm not the only one youtubing Adam Lambert. His performance was cut short due to Idol running over but I wouldn't know this because Comcast is operated by a bunch of douchemongers. Normally, I wouldn't complain about Lambert getting airtime cut off his performance. I kind of enjoy it. However, it really pains me to say this but...he did a pretty good job. I'm sticking by my guns on this guy ' I hate him ' so don't expect me to say anything about my box and what Madam Adam Lambert may or may not have done to it. I'm gunna call it and say he's gunna win the whole shebang. Sorry Danny, I feel a close second. But you know what they say, nice guys finish last. Just take that as me politely calling Adam an asshole.

ME: That's the worst part about him doing well. I hate him so much but he's consistently better than everyone else. Kid's got stage presence and he's the type of contestant that will always, no matter what he does, have crazy fans who are just obsessed with him. He's attractive, non-threatening and always puts on a show (jazz hands NEVER optional). The best part of his entire performance though was when his parents essentially admitted that he was gayer than Christmas. Sidebar to Tommy: This what I believe Ted was like as a child.

TB: I figured. I mean, you've seen the picture with the pink socks. It's on your fridge, I believe.

Lil Rounds - November 14, 1984 ' "Whats Love Got to Do With It" by Tina fuckin' Turner

TB: Tina was getting her ass beat by Ike, love was on the rocks and maybe that sweet ol' fashioned notion didn't really exist. Maybe America took it out back and shot it and just told us it ran away. This is a sad, angry, fed up song and it needs some real crotch kicking vocals to make it worth the page it's printed on and for like the bajillionth week Lil has left my box less than blown. She sounded too wimpy. There was a point near the beginning where she sounded like she was about to bust her shit out and I got a little turned on, not gunna lie. But she backed off. Give it to me Lil I can fucking take it!! And if you don't give it soon, you're going to be back home with your kids and husband, singing in the shower talking about how you almost had it all...What's good, though, if she is kicked off this is a song you can win the judges back. IF you slay their boxes.

ME: Lil, you're killing me with this. Tina has this great, gravelly voice (see: the intro to "Proud Mary") and Lil's voice just doesn't have that. Her voice doesn't have the distinctiveness to make this song work, which is why someone like Adam or Allison are faring better. But, dayum, girl looked smokin' hot.

Matt Giraud - May 11, 1985 ' "Part Time Lovers" by Stevie Wonder

ME: Kalamazoo, I know they keep saying soul is your strong suit but I'm getting kind of bored with this.

TB: There's an expiration date on ol' Kalamazoo. But it's a good fucking song and the kid I think has gotten the hint that all of that Fray and Coldplay malarkey he'd done before just wasn't cutting it. If he can upstage Anoop next week he should be ok. And if Lil Rounds can't get it together, he'll be a Top 5er for sure.

Kris Allen - June 21, 1985-- "All She Wants to Do is Dance" by Don Henley

TB: For a guy singing about dancing, he sure is standing still a lot.

ME: The arrangement owned him on this song hardcore. But this kid is so squeaky, he could be a Jonas brother.

Scott MacIntyre - June 22, 1985---"The Search is Over" by Survivor

TB: Sounds like Scott is singing in a Disney movie. He would have been way better had a cartoon dog and cat did the backup vocals. Really, though, watch it with your eyes closed and you might think you're watching Aladdin.
ME: So musical theater! With those soaring vocals, like the supporting character in Adam Lambert's Greatest Show on Earth.

Anoop Desai - December 20, 1986 ' "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper

TB: Anoop better revel in UNC winning the Final Four because that's as close to victory as he will ever get. Ever. He did a pretty good with the song but it doesn't really change the fact it's kind of a pussy song to sing. Or maybe it's not, maybe Anoop just made it particularly pussified. I got to hand it to him, though, he's lasted pretty far for a wild card. In fact, I believe he's the only wild card left?

ME: Kalamazoo is also a wild card. He did a serviceable job to what could have been a shit show. But he also took all of the life outf a very distinctive song. What a Southern gentleman apologizing to Kara like that but I think he needs to badass it up a bit. "What, bitch, you don't like my singing? How do you feel about my dick?" That's what I predict will happen on next week's show.

Allison Iraheta - April 27, 1992 ' "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt

ME: Consistently excellent singing, consistently terrible personality. "I Can't Make You Love Me" is a notoriously hard song and I think she rocked it. But, please, someone please take the awkward out of this girl. She makes me feel 16 again and nobody should have to go through that hell. Especially Tommy, because that's when he was fat.

TB: Thanks, Molly. I'm not even that fit now. I just get mildly out of breath walking up a flight of stairs or carrying something. I think I should have a sit down with Allison and give her some tips on how not to be AS awkward. Because, let's face it, she's always gunna be a little awkward, it's just about diminishing the awkwardness and thus projecting less awkward feelings on to the people around you. My method is do not talk to anyone. Only sing. But only on American Idol. Don't go running through the streets of whereever it is your from singing and dancing like your Gene Kelly. Unless, of course, you happen to be Gene Kelly or of the Kelly bloodline. Allison is a good singer and she did a fine job but I don't think she has much time left on the show.

ME: I disagree, I think she's not #1 material, but she's definitely top four and the judges love her. Other than Gokey and Lambert, I think at this point Allison is the only person they would save if they were kicked off.

TB: I don't think America is ready to warm up to this girl enough to make her an American Idol. Most people (except for your sexual predators and what not) don't really like 16 year olds in general. It's a weird age for the kid and an annoying age for everyone else. Damn kids.

RESULTS:

TB: What. The. Fuck? That was the most bizzarre results show I ever saw. Franky Avalon opening up for Flo Rida opening up for Kellie Pickler. It boggles the mind, really. And Franky was the only really worth a damn. And only really saying that because the guys got stature. I don't really care about Franky Avalon. I was pumped to see Pickler, though. She sucked but I still love/want her to be my wife along with Tat Mom and Danny Gokey. She looked pretty hot, and sounded pretty dumb. Fucking killer combo. If only she could sing she'd be a fucking hat trick.

ME: Blind Guy deserved the boot. He was not pop star material. What I'm really interested in seeing is how they deal with him on the Idols Live tour. Like, he's not going to be able to do the dance routines and what's Idols live without the dance routine. The only thing I'm going to miss about Scott is the occasional shots of his super hot brother.

TB: As for Blind Guy. We all knew this was going to happen, because just like Highlander, there can only be one. And Blindey, it ain't you. All his songs sounded the same and he never really blew the box out. Sure, he inspired the shit outta boxes across the nation, as Paula put it, but he never went beyond that. A box needs inspiration, but that's only potential energy. He strectched the rubber band (and our heart strings) but he never released and turned that stored energy into box rocking mayhem. The worse thing about Scott getting kicked off is that we'll never know how good his hair could really look.

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