Idol Hands: Top Ten ' Motown Week
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Idol Hands: Top Ten ' Motown Week
We like American Idol ' too much.
Tommy Button: Before we even start talking about the real contestants, I want to take a moment to discuss how truly depressed I've become with Norman Gentle no longer on the show. Does this guy have a YouTube page or something? I need to be back in those gangly, pasty arms or I might just snap. He was the only contestant I was truly excited about. Except for, of course, Danny Gokey: my one, my all, my everything. I saw a new era coming with Norman. Fuck that Obama guy, real change comes in a sparkly shirt. Think about that come 2012, America.
AND SPEAKING OF MR. OBAMAAAAA ' what.the.fuck.dude. You interrupt the World Series before you're even president. Then you interrupt Idol. THEN you do it again!! Where do you get the gall, mister?
Molly Eichel: Honestly, if it was between Barack Obama and Lil Rounds for president, I would be on the Rounds bandwagon ' even she ran on the platform of clubbing baby seals (not that different from aerial wolf hunting when you think about it). Can Barack Obama own a Mary J. song? No.
TB: You asked for it, Mr. President. This better be the best damn speech of your career because you are giving it to a panel of the toughest judges on the block.....Molly and Tommy. BOOM!
Barack Obama - Public Address
TB: Poor song and dance choice. I don't think I've heard this particular version before but it does sound vaguely familiar compared to his other performances.
ME: Loving the stage presence and natural charisma but the timing was all over the place.
TB: Great outfit, though. Guy knows how to fill out a suit.
TB: Let's talk about what really matters now. We have our Idol tour group!!! Look for me at Jones Beach this summer, kids. I'll be the only one there without my parents (unless Rev. Button wants to join me) and probably hammered drunk. But I dunno, last time I saw Kelly Clarkson at Jones Beach they didn't sell alcohol. Lucky for me I got the backstage hook up and drank all of Kelly's beer. Then was told by her security that me and my cohorts were making Kelly nervous and she likes to be alone before going on stage. True Story. So next time the thought crosses your mind that maybe I'm just a cynical jerk operating in detached irony, think again. I love this shit. And a follow up on that Kellie Pickler album I scored, it really blew. Not even ridiculously bad or anything, just bad. What happened to her?
ME: This opening montage is touching, really. I like how as the contestants are whittled down, they try to waste more time with montages. But you gotta have a montage.
TB:Tuesday was my birthday and I was really hoping the Idols would churn out some box wrecking because Motown week had the potential of being the BEST week but it was really just OK. I tried to watch the episode after getting back from the bar but I passed out after Matt Giraud. Lucky for me, I'm able to review the tape via DVR.
Matt Giraud - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye
ME: Kalamazoo looks like a TA in that outfit, with his little tie and sweater vest. Like, he shouldn't be singing Marvin Gaye, he should be grading my Logic paper.
TB: And after he grades your paper, he'll slowly and sweetly fuck the shit outta you. I thought Kalamazoo did a great job. At least he's getting back on the right track and off the Coldplay road to destruction. Loving Matt Giruard could never be wrong.
Kris Allen - "How Sweet it is to be Loved by You" by Marvin Gaye
ME: I love how all of the guest judges get flustered by Kris Allen. Smokey is like on the verge of tears. The problem I'm having with Kris is his extreme whiteness. His voice is completely devoid of soul, like many of his extremely white bretheren (see: Jason Mraz). But he worked the arrangement well and that's what's gonna keep him going through from week-to-week. And that he's adorable.
TB:I wish I was as charming as this mothefucker. It's true, though, he's white as paper plate full of rice and boiled cod but he has this weird way of making it his thing. He's this year's Jason Castro except I don't think he's gunna crash and burn the way he did.' And I dunno if Smokey was about to cry or that's just what cases of botox does to your face.
Scott McIntyre - "You Can't Hurry Love" by Diana Ross and the Supremes
ME: Oh! Scott's single! I wonder if he has groupies? What if Blindguy is actually a badass in real life and this whole nice boy thing is just an act? After the show, he puts on his leather jacket, lights a cig and hops on his motorcycle. But I think this performer is kind of dinner theater, you know? Like people should be eating really chewy prime rib right now. Paula tries to show up Simon by giving him crayons and a coloring book. How long do you think she was planning that? I bet she thought of that and just laughed and laughed to herself, maybe made a mental note on a personal recorder. Also, 10 points for Scott for pointing out the color of his pants. Funny, 'cause, you know, he's blind.
TB: Blind guy keeps freaking me out when he performs. Take a cue from Stevie Wonder, wear some sun glasses and scream things like "I LOVE YOU BARACK OBAMA!" when you perform. He's getting a little stale and boring. I wanna see him do something crazy, like a Norman Gentle performance, maybe? It's time to turn your volume knob to 11, Blind Guy. I was glad to see him in the bottom three, though. Give him a little humility and maybe he'll try something new besides inspiring the piss outta me.
Megan Joy Corkery - "For Once in My Life"' by Stevie Wonder
ME: I'm getting kind of bored of her voice.
TB: Not getting bored at looking at her, though. And really, not a bad song choice for her. She just didn't really do it well. But she wouldn't be the first pretty girl on TV who doesn't really do anything well.
Anoop Desai - "Ooh Baby, Baby" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
ME: For a guy with such a great sense of performance, he always does so much better on the ballads. Also, his jacket makes his head look really small. Like, massive.
TB: NOOP DOGGGGG! I was so certain it was going to be him instead of Jorge a few weeks back so it was glad to see Anoop soulfully, and sweetly blow my box.
Michael Sarver - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by the Tempations
ME:That song was too big for him. Kara says for the second time that this show is about artistry. Come on Kara! This is Idol, not Skating with Celebrities. That, my friends, took artistry.
TB: Yeah, Kara is full of shit. American Idol is about the exact opposite. I got pretty angry during his performance only because about :30 seconds into it I felt like he was yelling at me. And I get yelled at enough. By my family, girls, random people on the street. I wanna be loved, Oilrig. I think he needed to get eliminated off the show, but I am gunna miss him. Oilrig is just such a great nickname.
Lil Rounds - "Heat Wave" by Martha and the Vandellas
ME: She keeps fighting her strength - the big soul ballad. Don't fight it, Lil. Come on, Lil! Martha is notoriously hard to cover. Must I remind you of the shit show that was Bowie and Jagger doing "Dancing in the Street"?
TB: I thought this was a werid song choice, especially for Lil and ESPECIALLY for MOTOWN WEEK, for chrissake.
ME: This was Lil's week and she fucked it up. I'm starting lose patience with her.
Adam Lambert - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
ME: Goddamnit, Adam! Why do you keep making me like you! He's butching it up tonight but he looks like the love child of Zac Efron and an elf.
TB: Alright, alright. I'll say it. Adam Lambert did a pretty kick ass version of the Smokey classic but I can't say more than that or I might wanna jump off a building. But, yeah, the guy still looks weird. I don't know why the judges say they like his style. He kind of scares me.
Danny Gokey - "Get Ready" by the Temptations
ME: Killed it. Best part: Dance moves with back-up singers.
TB: You can do no wrong, Gokey.
Allison Iraheta - "Papa was a Rolling Stone" by the Temptations
ME: I just don't understand how this girl was bottom three last week.
TB: I don't really have much to say about her singing but she's getting less annoying which, actually, will help her singing a lot. Or at least how I hear it. I don't know if you guys can tell yet, but I have hard time admitting when people I think are assholes do a good job.
Results - Michael Sarver
Not much to say on this one. It was the right choice and he was very gracious afterwards. No sniveling, no tears. You can tell he's a really stand-up guy but it was time. We're gonna miss you, Oilrig!
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